Escorts or drugs?

[confusedfriend1]

I've NC and although not a regular poster, I've been a lurker for years.

My BF found out last year that her DH had an affair. They are trying to work through this and are going to couple counselling. He isn't living at home at the moment but goes around a lot to see the kids and they do things as a family.

He also has a history of drug taking and when on drugs looking at porn.

She has been going through his phone records and has found lots and lots of numbers that are only connected for 1 second and lots of numbers that have phoned him and he doesn't pick up and then he immediately phones that number back but again it's only connected for 1 second.

We have tried to phoned these numbers to get to the bottom of it and they either go straight through to a generic answer machine message (i.e. o2, ee etc) but also lots and lots of them say number disconnected.

I think the reason she's asked me to post, is after advice from me (through reading on here for so long) she knows she can't go to her husband with suspicions as he could lie his way out of them so she needs to get facts before having it out with him so wondered whether any of you wise people might know about these type of calls.

Also if she was to go down the personal investigator route how would she find someone? I've read that nowadays they need to be tech savvy but wondered what we would search for?

Thanks so much in advance

[confusedfriend1]

Sorry, was meant to add from googling it seems like drug dealers quite often change their sim cards so that might be a reason why these numbers are no longer being used and we can't find how escorts deal with calls etc.

[hellsbellsmelons]

Why is she even bothering?
Seems he's a lying cheating scumbag and she would be far better to keep him away permanently.
She doesn't trust him.
As AF would say - No trust = No relationship
It's a lot of bother to go through just to have proof that he's a lying cheat. She already knows this.
Life is way too short for all this crap.

[BlondeOnATreadmill]

What's the point?

She could torture herself by trying to figure this out.

She could spend her hard earned money on a private investigator.

But why? It's not needed, is it?

She already knows he's unfaithful. She already knows he takes drugs. Does she need to know anything else, to make him a shit catch?

My advice would be to dump him and concentrate on making a better life for her and the kids, without this cheating, lying, drug user.

[AlwaysHopeful1]

If she's gotten at the lowest point of wanting to hire a PI, then that relationship is already over.

[Offred]

Agree with others.

Why bother?

He has a history of taking drugs, he's been unfaithful. He's got dodgy stuff on his phone.

Just why bother with any of this crap.

[confusedfriend1]

I do agree, but I don't feel it's my place to say this to her. I feel I just have to be there to support and do anything that she wants so that she can reach this point of view herself.

If anyone can guess as to what these calls mean that would be great.

Thanks

[Offred]

Supporting someone doesn't always involve indulging them in ridiculous flogging of dead horses.

Stop enabling this relationship.

[Bogeyface]

Well purely from what you have written and what you have asked, I would say that drugs seems the most likely of the two. An escort would need to make arrangements and you cant do that in a one second phone call.

However, I agree that if she is tying herself up in knots about this, and knows that he wont give her a straight answer then there isnt really much of a marriage left to fight for is there?

[AlwaysHopeful1]

Being supportive and a good friend also means telling them the truth.

[ThisIsStillFolkGirl]

I'm sorry but I think you need to tell her.

People often look to their friends reaction as a baromater against which to gauge their own. If she is confused but sees you being supportive of the current situation, it disempowers her to explore the alternative.

The bottom line is he is a lying, cheating drug user. There are no positive qualities that are going to make this ok.

Any of these things would have me dump them.

[redfox2015]

Agree with pretty much all of the above - just a rotten apple.
Trying to get my head around why people hang around so long with bad people

[confusedfriend1]

Thank you for your advice, I really appreciate it. I absolutely agree with everything you've said and I do understand that I need to be honest with her to support her and not just listen.

Thank you

[david8341]

It being about drugs is pretty unlikely. I did a fair bit in my younger days and have friends that still do. I've never done anything too hard but I've never heard of dealers doing anything like that kind of 1 second and hanging up rigmarole. It's usually fairly casual and chummy. You call or text.. how's things? can I score ? sound.

I was reading another thread here where a poster mentioned escorts are all about the "babe" and "hun" texts. They want to create a rapport with the clients..which makes sense to me so I think that's unlikely too?

Either way he sounds awful and the phone thing sounds shady.

[Offred]

I've known drug deals with this kind of set up. It was known as 'a Johnny one ring' when I was a teen.

It doesn't matter though, I don't think this relationship can be rescued by any kind of investigation into what precise dodginess he is involved in.