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Advice please. Stay or go.(16 Posts)
I'll give you some background from my perspective, a brief insight into the state of out relationship, tell you the problem and then hopefully have some feedback as I am lost.
My partner have been together in a loving relationship for the past eleven years. The only thing my partner regrets is not having had previous sexual experiences before our relationship started, I was in my twenties and she eighteen. This has sometimes been a distraction for her and having myself had numerous sexual partners, something which I never boasted or bragged about, could understand where she was coming from. We've had a healthy sexual relationship although, as many men would probably say the same, we never seem to have enough. I say this tongue in cheek but sometimes it did seem like an age would pass.
I'm not the easiest person in the world to live with but have a good job, have ensured she hasn't wanted for anything and have been affectionate and considerate, although sometimes grumpy. Our general family life seems good and we spend lots of quality time with our children though probably not enough together. When we do go out friends sometimes comment, especially if it involves dancing, that we're like two in love teenagers. We're definitely more affectionate than most of our peers. She is generally laid back and I'm more practical in terms of everyday things like money etc.
The problem is this. In the summer of 2015 we were at a rather drunken garden party. We were talking to a couple who we were friendly with and unbeknown to me, the chap, in the darkness started stroking my partners shoulders etc and asked her to go help him fetch me and his wife some drinks, cutting the chase he and my partner ended up kissing. A couple of months later she told me this, grief stricken and very upset. I told her that everyone makes mistakes and knowing that she and most of the other mums at school fancied him, put it down to a drunken blip. There was no further contact between him and my partner but cut forward to October and we're out with his wife etc, I am most cross but manage to hide my anger. Nothing further happened. Just after the 30th of October my partner turned 30, this frightened her somewhat and our sex life exploded, it transformed overnight, as you can imagine I was very pleased!
Over the next couple of months she became very distracted, always in the other room on her phone, started listening to romantic music, became very distant to me and the children, almost to the point whereby you could say she neglected us. The kids were always washed, clean and fed but there was little emotional input into their lived, they're 7 & 3 and up until then she had been a fantastic mum. On December the 26th I discovered she'd been seeing this man since mid November, shortly after our sex life took a turn for the better. There had sent each other almost a thousand text messages in December. He said he was going to leave his wife and kids, made his wife out to be a monster and not very good housewife, basically told my partner everything a man would say to get a women in bed. They slept together once (he had penis issues due to an operation, I believe I was being used for sex as she couldn't get it from him, although that may be paranoia). If you read the text messages it was like to star crossed lovers. I confronted them both and he told me on numerous occasions he was going to stop. We changed her phone number and she told him to stop contact as he was married, I did get the feeling that had he not been married she may not have said that to him. I decided not to tell his wife as it was xmas and my Christmas and family life had been blown apart, I didn't see the point in ruining hers and her children's. My kids were already suffering due to the lack of attention they'd been getting and the ensuing arguments.
Throughout January I had to put up with them texting each other, my partner was absolutely torn and constantly in tears sobbing uncontrollably. She was torn between her admitted love for me and her children and the fact she'd fallen for a another man, who unfortunately was also the husband of one of her good friends. Thankfully it came to a head when his wife found out. I was initially frightened as I didn't want his wife to discover the affair. I wanted to make our relationship work and I thought if his wife found out she would kick him out and my partner would end up leaving as well, them ending up together. The evening after the day his wife found out I sent him a drunken text stating I would ensure my kids grew up despising him. He sent me one back the following morning and to also to my partner stating that he had promised his wife it was over and there would be no more contact. My partner initially wanted to know why he had left her in the lurch after she had risked everything and essentially destroyed her own life and relationship, he never answered her and it looks as though his wife has allowed him, after an absence of a day or two, to move back into the house.
We have spent the last few days with me looking after my partner as she's suffered from the flu and been bedridden, she tells me she can't forgive herself for what she's done to me and that she wished she could turn back time. She did say she didn't regret the time she spent with him despite realising how destructive it had been. She was truly sorry for the lies and deceit and for putting our kids through hell. I know this as I could see it as clear as day. The other thing I could see was that she appeared to be genuinely devastated that it had come to an end although she never said as much. She has been as considerate as it is possible to be for someone in her position and had told me everything I've asked. Sometimes you wish you could un-ask a question though. As a side note I caught her day dreaming, I asked her what she wanted more than anything and she stated 'both of you'.
I am at a loss as to what to do now, I love this woman more than anything, she completes me and I'm frightened of losing her from my life. I want normality to resume although I admit things have to change. I don't think being bored and lonely at home has helped her and realise I've made a rod for my own back by enabling her not to work. I also understand that I have some changes to make to my own outlook on life if I'm to be a more enjoyable person to be around. I know that given time I can get over what was done to me, but I don't know if this is what I should be doing. Please, any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
Don't be a doormat. She's had you dangling on a string for long enough and you've been standing there saying "please pick me, please?"
If I was in your position I would need to end the relationship. The trust would be gone for me. What is she doing to make things right? To openly tell you she wants both of you is really disrespectful to you I think.
So even after you found out what she was up to she still continued to contact him and doesn't regret the time she spent with him. I'm sorry op I'm beginning to get angry on your behalf don't let her treat you like this any more. I would honestly look to ending your relationship because I suspect if the other man becomes available she's be off.
You'll find it impossible to re-develop the trust you had.
Your children will pick up on the tension and be negatively affected by it.
She will do it again - she knows you will forgive her again.
If your children know they will see it as a demonstration of what to do if cheated upon. You're being a bad role model by being a doormat.
She clearly cares more about her lust than your happiness. And you're scared of leaving someone who holds you in such low regard.
You're blaming yourself for her bad behaviour. She's an adult. She should not have done this.
Your children will be happier with two separate happy parents than two unhappy together parents.
If I was you I'd be out of there now.
Wow her saying that she wants "both of you" would be a breaking point for me. I guess she is being honest but I would find that so hurtful. It's not just a one night stand it's a prolonged sexual and emotional affair.
Her initial reaction to him saying he was staying with his wife doesn't look good. I get the impression she was expecting to carry on with him and that now you are a consolation prize. Do you want to be second best?
She sounds like she is expecting you to cheer her up and support her thought this "difficult time". What about you? Where is your support? How is she trying to make amends? It sounds very one sided and all about her needs.
Only you can decide on the stay or go question. It's very raw, but you have been treated disgracefully by this cheat. In your position, and I have been, I would leave, the trust is gone.
My initial choice when my ex did it to me was to "work through it". Utterly useless. I took a similar line that you seem to be taking-people make mistakes etc etc. But even though I was willing to put in the work (even though I hadn't cheated!), my ex said he was willing too, but deep down he wasn't. We went round the houses for a few years til, to cut a long story short, I saw him for what he was and chucked him out. I sincerely regret wasting those years on a cheating wanker who didn't really love me despite protesting daily to the contrary.
Don't be me.
She's treating you like a mug. You will never trust her and she will never trust herself. This is your new normality. Don't allow your love for her to blind you to what a destructive, selfish thing she's done. And will do again if this man offers.
you need to work through this if that is what you both want to do - counseling would be a good starting place and I think she needs individual to allow her to forgive herself before she can allow you to forgive her and then you can work on being together if that is what you both want
Surely she needs to prove that she deserves forgiveness! If she had been remorseful from the beginning that would be one thing but it sounds like she is only sorry because it all came to an end!
lukeseri does any of this script (inverted of course) ring any bells for you?
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My issue would be that she hasn't gone running back to you knowing she's made a massive mistake.
What has happened is the other man has blown her out to stay with his wife.
Your DW would be with this OM now if the circumstances were different.
I was cheated on and I was going to try to make a go of it.
After literally a couple of days I knew it wouldn't work.
I know I could never forgive or forget so ended it.
You had a lot of warning signs and chose to ignore them.
Be far more aware in future.
If you want to make a go of it I think she needs counselling.
I also believe she needs her own life outside of being a wife and a mother.
Does she want to work?
I would suggest it would be good for her to get out there and do something for herself.
The forgiveness and trying again road is a long a painful one and I always admire people who take this route. I couldn't though.
No trust = no relationship.
You have already put up with too much. Cut your losses when you can still stand.
Go, and run!
This will be hard to take but she does not love you, her actions prove that despite what she says.
She is distraught because he does not want her and wants to try again with his wife, she is staying with you out of loyalty I would say, not any deep love for you - stop being a doorman and an emotional rock for her, she has literally broken your relationship, nobody forced her to do that, I would recommend you separate from her as soon as you can - I can't believe you have sat back and allowed her to carry on taking the complete piss out of you.
Believe me, there are women out there that can give you 100%, not the crumbs she is offering you.
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