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Am trying to make sense of something I don't understand about me.

(271 Posts)
Lanark2 Tue 26-Jan-16 20:32:09

Hello,
I am trying to understand something about me that frankly I can't seem to get right, or get help from family or friends over, and I really would be very grateful for input from people here.

The problem is, that I don't feel appreciated, but its worse than that, it that I don't feel that anybody knows or cares who I am. Its not a weird emotional state, its just kind of true.

By that I mean that I can't remember the last time I had a conversation about things I am passionate about, out one of those end of week debriefs that reset your view of humanity, but on top of this, my e employer thinks I don't have skill in advance of my role, yet I have run projects that are bigger in scope than the department. I have had brilliant relationships, that seemed to just end, either when I was discussed too much by my partner and her friends, or that just fizzled out, and now I am often viewed as 'not boyfriend material' yet I always feel that I am in love with commitment, shared vision, would desperately love a family, and am without exception supportive of my partner, perhaps more than I am supportive of myself.
In my group of friends, I used to be viewed as the successful one, yet in the last six years have been bullied out of three jobs, sometimes aggressively, sometimes passively, and I can't put my finger on why so many things for me go the opposite to the way they go for others.

The relationship thing is the most puzzling, as my last relationship ended up with my partner being in a constant power struggle with me without my playing back, which just deflated everything.

any help or suggestions welcome.

Offred Tue 26-Jan-16 20:40:58

If you have people pleasing characteristics it could be that.

People often don't treat people pleaders with respect or consideration.

QuiteLikely5 Tue 26-Jan-16 20:44:39

Maybe therapy would help you identify some things about yourself that you aren't aware of, we all have our blind spots - things about ourselves we just can't see!

Alternatively talk to a trusted friend and ask them to be completely honest with you

Lanark2 Tue 26-Jan-16 20:53:04

Hi Quitelikely, I think that's it, I don't really have a trusted friend. I have a few friends I can talk to but the list is something like this, friend 1 always thinks I'm someone I'm not'you don't like that do you..etc and will, for example always encourage me to do the thing 2.a friend who if I talk about work or relationships he thinks I am boasting, 3. A family who sees everything as 'a problem with me' ie they are never on my side against the world, more the other way around..
The friends I had 10 years ago were nothing but positive about the hidden me.. Caring, considerate, genuinely supportive, ideas person etc but now almost no one sees that inme, or if they do, they use it to attack..'you are only an ideas person, 'you need to be reigned in' 'you need to be grateful you are working at all, 'you have roof over your head'..so I can't trust asking them for advice

IrenetheQuaint Tue 26-Jan-16 21:04:52

Hmm. Do you come across as needy, do you think?

I have to say, my friends never comment on the 'hidden me', positively or negatively. I just presume they like me or they wouldn't bother hanging out with me. Maybe you're expecting quite a lot from your friendships?

Lanark2 Tue 26-Jan-16 21:33:11

Shouldn't you expect a lot from your friendships? sad

Offred Tue 26-Jan-16 21:36:12

It's best not to!

ravenmum Tue 26-Jan-16 21:52:37

Maybe the character traits that seemed cool ten years ago are less cool on someone the age you are today?

Maybe your friends today are older so less inclined to excited chat abouthow amazing things are?

Maybe you've just reached that stage in life when you realise you are probably not, after all, going to have an incredible career etc but are just pretty average? Can be a letdown if you got a lot of praise as a teenager.

springydaffs Tue 26-Jan-16 22:41:11

Or maybe you're as fired up as ever (and always will be) and people your age have settled, got lazy, don't have/never had the same fire. Tall poppy syndrome, basically.

Have you thought of going it alone in business? If you're a visionary/pioneering sort you will have a lifetime of being attacked/brought down. You have to learn to climb above the rubble.

Your family sound crap btw.

lorelei9 Tue 26-Jan-16 22:43:27

This is interesting because I had a phase where I felt my friends weren't fully understanding who I was/am

It passed as they realised I was in fact making decisions that were right for me and that brought me happiness

However, I was different than you in that I was being very hard headed and practical and for whatever reason, some people didn't like that.

Are you being told off for being a bit head in the clouds? Sorry if that's wrong, just something I picked up from your post. Are they worried about you?

lorelei9 Tue 26-Jan-16 22:44:58

Also, why do you think people view you as "not boyfriend material"? Has anyone actually said that?

TheSnowFairy Tue 26-Jan-16 22:47:57

Are you still in touch with your friends from before?

Lanark2 Tue 26-Jan-16 23:02:30

Oh, the head in the clouds thing is weird. But I am ready for that big career, I just can't get to a platform to stand on to achieve it.not because of lack of ability, but because of other people.

But for example people will say 'you can't do x' as if no one ever does anything but shit jobs, like there are magic people and real people, but those 'magic people' are just people to me...I feel like, for example a solicitor saying ' I'd like a job in the law' and my friends and family are saying 'don't be a fantasist, have you tried washing up in a kitchen.. Eventually you might be a hotel manager' its weird..

Lanark2 Tue 26-Jan-16 23:06:28

Re boyfriend thing, I have had people say I have the wrong personality for a long relationship, and yet I totally don't agree.. There is one friend, who is more positive, and she openly says I would make a brilliant father etc but it seems to be women's friends that 'help' them realise I am 'not serious' without asking me.. The sad thing is that I have struggled to have relationships at times, because I am still committed to past relationship.. So I've had periods without relationships that now sound like red flags to new partners...

IrenetheQuaint Tue 26-Jan-16 23:09:08

Do you mean that you apply for more senior jobs in other organisations and don't get them? Have you asked for interview feedback?

Maybe your friends and family just don't understand the industry you work in? Outsiders don't, usually.

springydaffs Tue 26-Jan-16 23:10:24

You need to do a bit of therapy to unpick this a bit. You'd be glad you did!

Lanark2 Tue 26-Jan-16 23:13:50

Hi springydaffs, would be good maybe, but think that meeting my old friends would help.more but am scared to..

Also I really genuinely can't afford anything.. Am currently working only at a living level, which is part of the problem..

Lanark2 Tue 26-Jan-16 23:18:18

Actually this has made me think about another thing, a friend has either been being helpful, or slowly getting more stifling and controlling.. I can't understand which, but she has been 'lending' me money which is impossible to refuse as it always is needed, but I would rather she didn't as I can't pay it back, but its making me feel dependent rather than in control. My family did this to me when I was a kid..described me as a problem, then made me feel unemployable, then lend me money then moan about my 'problems'

lorelei9 Tue 26-Jan-16 23:29:29

Are you currently in the field you want to work in?

I'm sensing contradictions in your posts. If you didn't take the money offered by your friend, would you be literally be unable to pay food and bills?

Why do you think you can never pay it back, if ultimately you think you will get a better job?

AyeAmarok Tue 26-Jan-16 23:32:05

What age are you? You sound a bit like a very enthusiastic graduate.

Don't ever take money that you can't pay back though, that situation never ends well.

Lanark2 Tue 26-Jan-16 23:36:49

Yes, if I didn't take the money, I would be unable to pay bills..though my Christmas wasn't ultra poverty frugal.. It wasn't far off.. To put it this way, I ate corned beef and cheap ondate great for a week.

Glad that you think I still sound enthusiastic. I do feel like a graduate in one way, in that there is lot I can do that isn't being utilised, but I"m 42.

I'm 42 but still don't feel like I've started my life..sad

Sleepingtom Tue 26-Jan-16 23:41:57

What happened to your old friends that you want to see but are too scared, why don't you see them now?

lorelei9 Tue 26-Jan-16 23:45:28

If you're that broke, you need to do whatever job you're able /qualified to do with the most income

i don't want to make assumptions about you so I'm wondering if you can expand on the job situation. Also, you mention difficult people. I get that arsehole bosses can ruin everything, but I used to have a mantra "mortgage paid, mouth shut". Not always applicable if they are treating you badly, but if it's standard management crap, a good mantra. You don't have to piss on these people if you find them on fire! grin

Offred Tue 26-Jan-16 23:47:36

You sound a lot less mature than 42, dependent on money from friends, dreams that don't happen because of others, hung up on past relationships, over invested in the idea of what a friend should be....

I don't know, I just think you maybe would benefit a lot from some therapy, everything you write makes it sound as though you feel your whole life is in the control of other people...

Lanark2 Tue 26-Jan-16 23:53:55

I don't really know from their perspective, but I know there was a time when we all seemed to keep in touch, but then I went through a time when I realised that I was driving contact, but that if I didn't call, they wouldn't call me. There was also a time when I realised that I would never get visited, but others did, also one person was someone who ripped off ideas from friends (media). We all shared ideas normally just as part of friendships, he engineered a series of discussions with me that were very one-way, and then I found out he was going for an interview and had told everyone he had thought of the ideas he had directly stolen from me. Not a problem if he'd been open, but it was underhand. I called him on it, and it sort of revealed who he had been for ages.. He then very aggressively slagged me off and drew people in so that parties arranged with him there meant that I was excluded because of 'my problem with x' but after that would logically dissolve, there was a period of slow contact, but then I realised some, mainly couples, had kept in good regular contact

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