The Missus and her Boss

[henrynormal]

Hello,

I'm looking for some advice - situation is myself and partner have been together for nearly 3.5 months, she has 2 kids (5 & 6) from a previous relationship and I bring an 11 year old daughter to the mix. We live 70 miles apart, and we are now engaged (since last October)

My partner started a well paid managerial job last May, and I noticed that in order to bring her up to speed, her boss (male, mid forties, working away from home) would organise after work catch ups to bring her up to speed. Over the next 6 months they have developed a close working relationship, until the point in December where he declared his feelings for her. I've had my eye on the situation for a while and my partner has found it difficult to tell me what has been happening, as she sees him as a good friend, swears that nothing has happened and she doesn't find him attractive but does admit that they talked all the time, and often lunched together. After a marketing event in London, my partner stayed at a hotel and her boss stayed also, even though he didn't need to. My partner didn't tell me until some time after the event as she found his behaviour awkward. Later, my partner told me that her boss had started to confide in her about his failing marriage (in November), and that she and her boss did have a connection but she wasn't interested in him 'that way'. We had a big argument about this recently, as the whole picture became clear and unfelt insecure and a little betrayed. She says that because he is married, she never felt the need to be explicit about boundaries but she has now backed off and no longer finds herself alone with him since he declared his feelings. However I am struggling to move on and i feel that she should have put boundaries in place early doors, and told me more at the time about what was going on.

My question is - how do I get back to a position of trust, especially as she swears, and I believe her, that nothing happened anyway. I'm realistic in that we find other people attractive and other people will provide things I can't. This must be such a common scenario so any advice is appreciated!

[RealityCheque]

So you live 70 miles apart and got engaged practically as soon as you met?

Couldn't be arsed to read the rest after that. Sorry.

[witsender]

I'm assuming he means 3.5 yrs?

[Annarose2014]

So she's effectively been harassed by her new boss and you feel betrayed???

You seem to think that just because they got along and she had started to think he was a nice guy that she thought he was an absolute sexgod. It really doesnt sound like that. at ALL. You talk about getting the trust back. Exactly what the fuck did she do wrong??

He was in a position of power. She was new in the door and trying to work with him and develop a decent working relationship and he effectively took advantage of that. He's the one who didnt establish boundaries. You try telling someone in a position of power over you who's babbling on about their marriage "I really dont want to hear this". Could you do it??

Grow up and support her. She's in a really difficult spot now. She has to work with this guy and not let a terrible and unproductive atmosphere develop. She could use your support. Instead you're effectively slut shaming her, even though she did nothing wrong.

Continue like this and she's going to realise that when she's in a tight spot, you are not on her side.

[JohnLuther]

Even if he meant 3.5 years what's wrong with getting engaged quickly reality? It's not my cup of tea but I'm not rude about it.

[henrynormal]

Yes 3.5 years and engaged after 3 years

[Gazelda]

What Anna said.

I really can't see how you think she's betrayed you. You either trust her or you don't.

I'd be trying to support her in getting her working relationship firmly back on a professional basis.

I truly can't see that she's done anything wrong.

[RudeElf]

how do I get back to a position of trust, especially as she swears, and I believe her, that nothing happened anyway.

You're going to have to spell out for me what exactly she did that broke your trust. you seem to be annoyed at her for something her boss has done.

[hellsbellsmelons]

I had a colleague like his.
Except I was his boss.
I just had no feelings like 'that' for him at all.
He told me how he felt and I just explained that NO - not a chance.
He's married etc..
This was a few years ago and we are still friends now.
In fact had lunch with him last week as he wanted my advice on divorce.
He's a lovely guy but we are friends and that is all.
I love my OH massively and wouldn't think of doing anything to jeapordise that certainly not with someone I don't fancy at all.

I don't see what she has done wrong either.
Have a talk and let her know how you feel and why.
Then take it from there.

[RealityCheque]

OK. Makes more sense. Apologies.

Like the others I fail to see what on earth you feel she has done to lose your trust? Read Annaroses post again. It sums things up perfectly.

[henrynormal]

Well, that's me humbled. Great response....thank you. I will endeavour to not be too much of a dick, moving forward, and grow up a little. Thanks - I'm new to this place and it's like being given a really good talking to by good friends.

Cheers all

[Gazelda]

happy to help!

[Claraoswald36]

Agree with other posters. She could only have put boundaries in if she knew the situation was going to head that way. Which she couldn't have. It sounds a hideously awkward uncomfortable situation for her. I think she's been very very open with you and probably you have a really good relationship

[loveyoutothemoon]

Another one thinking the same. Why can't you trust her? Be more supportive. Don't push her away.

[pallasathena]

And why is it when something goes wrong its always the woman"s fault o/p?
You need to stop perpetuating a totally defunct, inappropriate social construct. Its bloody antediluvian.

[DragonsCanHop]

I agree with pp. your fiancé has done nothing wrong and she has confided in you in the hope that you will have her back and support her at this awkward time.

I have to work closely with my boss and it helps that we get on and have similar views an interest. I would be sick all over the desk if he showed an ounce of anything over a professional relationship, I wouldn't know how to start to deal with that!

Have a chat with her and let her know you are there for her, she is only trying her best at work.

[LucySnow12]

Sorry I disagree with the other posters. I feel almost that I am reading a different post. Their relationship from the get go did not at all sound professional. It obviously was intimate enough for her married boss to develop feelings for your fiancé! If I was you, I would be worried. Your fiancé didn't confide in you. She only told you anything when you asked! She admits they have a connection! Of course, his marriage is failing he's spending all his time with your fiancé. I think you have every reason to be struggling with your relationship.

[TooSassy]

Op.

I'm another voice of reason here.
She started a new job. He was in a position of authority. He was married. They work closely together. The majority of catch ups I have with senior leaders in my business are nearly always over a quick coffee/ bite to eat. It wouldn't even dawn on me that they had any ulterior motives. Why would it?

Then he starts to confide in her, she as a woman feels a degree of empathy (but again he's still her boss), so listens. He starts to feel a connection.

This is all totally him and quite honestly putting someone more junior than him in an awful position. It's borderline harassment if you ask me.
She's come to you, she needs your support.

You live 70 miles apart and are not married. If she wanted to be with him, she could. Quite easily from a logistical point of view. But she's not.

She's with you. Remember that z

[dontcallmethatyoucunt]

Glad you can see sense. If she was fucking him, you'd be none the wiser. Don't punish her for being honest.

[ExasperatedAlmostAlways]

Wow what the fuck is the deal with the absolute snipey replies men usually always get on here.

If this was a woman posting her fiancee started a new job and he started going out after work to do catch ups with his female boss and she also stayed at yhe same hotel when on business when their was no need to. That he'd admitted there was a connection and he was helping advise her through a breakup etc I can assure you the replies would of been different.

Op, I can only advise you the way I would a woman as I'm fair like that. Keep an eye on things. The reason she dditn tell you he stayed isn't because she found his behaviour 'awkward' that's nonsense. If someone was making me feel awkward id be straight on the phone to my husband. She didn't tell you because she's already had you questioning her and she didn't want you to know. Of course she is obviously not going to admit to fancying him!

Of course your trust has been rocked a bit after she withheld information about things. Its great she's distanced herself but I agree she shouldnt of been lunching so much if it wasn't required professionally, advising on his marriage break up, withholding info about hotels etc. I'd just keep an eye on the situation and if is true to her word about minimising contact other than in a business sense you will find yourself naturally getting back to the way you are.

[mintoil]

Many years ago, when I was much more naive I had a male colleague - senior to me but not my boss - who I got on famously with. We always met up and had little chats. At conferences etc we would have a few drinks, go for dinner together. I thought he was brilliant. I did not fancy him one little bit.

As he was married, it honestly never occurred to me that he viewed our relationship in any way differently to how I did. I thought we were just colleagues who got on well. Turned out he thought he was on a promise, and one night at a hotel, he went in for the big snog. I was literally disgusted and pushed him away. I was bloody mortified. But worse was to come.

When I confided in my best female work pal, she looked mystified. She told me everyone thought we were having an affair and had been for ages I couldn't believe how utterly ridiculous and stupid I had been. I was so embarrassed.

So, it is entirely possible your partner has been similarly blind to what has been going on. I hope so.

[MatrixReloaded]

It sounds like you had concerns about this for a while. The fact she didn't tell you about him staying at the same hotel would concern me greatly.

[JohnThomas69]

exasperated. Your wasting your time. If they can't see it for themselves no one else is ever going to convince them.
Same ones time and time again.
Treat it as a form of light entertainment and try not to think too much about the ops on the receiving end. I'm pretty sure most of them are bright enough to filter out the crap.

[RudeElf]

[WiseUpJanetWeiss]

I think you're really asking how to stop being afraid that your DP's boss is going to steal her away, and how to stop that fear seeping out into your relationship with her? This seems to me to be an eminently sensible request for help, and the flaming you have had for being a normal, flawed human being is unjustified.

I think focusing on supporting your DP in dealing with the difficult situation she is in, and remembering that it's you who she's chosen, may be the best thing to do. Good luck OP

[CityMole]

I an understand entirely why you feel a bit funny about this scenario, because you can obviously sense that there is some kid of inappropriate behaviour of feelings involved at some level. She has been open without you about the declaration of feelings, and while it is a bit off that she didn't tell you about the hotel straight away, I do wonder why that was? Perhaps for an easy life? It would have been preferable if she had felt she was able to talk to you about her concerns, but she did not, for some time you say. Think carefully about how you come across to her when discussing her relationship with her boss. Are you supportive or accusatory? She may feel like she cannot do right for doing wrong.