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Crap DIL (long and possibly triggering)

(167 Posts)
CrapDIL Tue 26-Jan-16 14:00:45

Please, please don't flame me - I feel very delicate about this sad

Background - PILs (moved 100 miles away a few years ago, still have a house locally which BIL "bought part of"/"invested in" (don't know, and don't care) and they visit every month or so)
BIL is over 40, lives alone in what (is? Was?) the family home, never had ANY sort of relationship AT ALL. 4 years older than DH.
ILs are extremely insular and DH has essentially been outcast anything outside of the immediate family (ie the 3 of them) doesn't exist).

Been with DH for 16 years, married for 7.

PILs have behaved questionably towards me to say the least over the years. FIL told me right at the start that he wished one of his boys would go out with one of my closest friends (ie not me). Wanted details of our financial situation (on a fairly regular basis, including inheritance that I was left by my grandparents). Talked down to DH at every opportunity. Made to sit in another room by myself when mil's family were visiting so that they could have a family meal. When my grandad died and I was distraught, comments included "why are you so upset? He was just your grandad" sad The list is endless and these are only off the top of my head.

I used to make a huge effort with them. Cooked a weeks worth of meals and even washed/bagged veg ready to cook when mil's dad died suddenly. Picked up packages, cleaned, offered and given lifts, entertained their relatives when they decided to go away when they visited from abroad.

Ds was very poorly when he arrived. 3 days in hospital, we desperately needed support (we thought Ds had died sad ), Ds in SCBU and vomited every single feed straight back up. PILs didn't bother to visit as the visiting times weren't convenient (first grandchild and PILs are retired, absolutely no other commitments).

FIL had an "event" before Christmas and was very unwell but is now recovering. I've spent a long time looking into how to support them both, looking at specialist websites etc. One of these sites has a talk forum. FIL told me that he had started posting (you can see where this is going, can't you?)

So, I happen to see a post today that blithely mentions that he would like to "swap DILs" for another poster that has been going onto this forum for support for her FIL. A throwaway comment, a passing joke. But it has hurt me very, very much. Out of DH, BIL and I, the two boys have done precisely fuck all, whereas I'm the one who has been trying to be supportive (including sending stuff via post) and to try to help.

I don't really know what I'm hoping to achieve by posting here, but I'm gutted. I've always known they don't like me but to see it in black and white feels like I've been punched in the stomach.

I'm over reacting, aren't I? (Feel free to offer a kick up the arse) sad

piglover Tue 26-Jan-16 14:03:45

You are not overreacting at all. They sound mean and unkind and unworthy of your efforts (my mum's PIL treated her not dissimilarly). What is your DH doing to support you?

Gazelda Tue 26-Jan-16 14:07:17

My God, how awful for you to see that (and for him to say it!).
From what you say, you are by no means a crap DIL, you have done your best to be supportive.
But I'd take a step back now. Keep a distance, don't get involved. If you PIL or BIL need anything, they can talk to your DH.
If you feel inclined, I'd post a little detail on the thread that might spark some recognition in your FIL, so he will forever wonder whether it was you who posted and hopefully be ashamed of himself.

CrapDIL Tue 26-Jan-16 14:08:06

I haven't dared tell him and tbh I don't know if I will. I'm 99.99% sure he would downplay it.

PollyPocket100 Tue 26-Jan-16 14:08:18

You sound lovely, OP. Extremely kind and thoughtful.
I'd take a massive step back. You don't deserve this. thanks

Woodenmouse Tue 26-Jan-16 14:15:14

You sound like you have done much more than a lot of people would. Maybe it's time to take a step back if they aren't appreciative of your efforts!!

Theresadogonyourballs Tue 26-Jan-16 14:16:02

Fuck 'em, they sound appalling and you sound fab.
Let their kids deal with them - you've done nothing wrong at all.
Ungrateful tossers.
Life's too short for this kind of shit OP, believe me. Distance yourself and let their family deal with everything from now on.
Just keep repeating, "not my circus, not my monkeys".
For you flowerswine

AttilaTheMeerkat Tue 26-Jan-16 14:16:20

Would suggest you change your username to something else, that name is unjustified and pulls you down more.

No you are not overreacting in the slightest!.

They have taken your kind and caring nature and thrown it back at you, such toxic and disordered of thinking people like his parents see such kindness as weakness. Emotionally healthy people after all do not behave like his parents have done.

What does your DH think of his parents behaviours?. What sort of a relationship does he have with them these days?.

I would suggest you read "Toxic Inlaws" written by Susan Forward as this could really help you.

You need to raise your own boundaries a lot higher with his parents and as of now stop doing so much to help them, they do not warrant your kindness honestly. They have not helped you or put themselves out in any way to help your own family in times of need.

Smellyrose Tue 26-Jan-16 14:16:31

Stop helping them (and post something on his forum letting him know exactly why).

IAmPissedOffWithAHeadmaster Tue 26-Jan-16 14:21:08

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mummytime Tue 26-Jan-16 14:21:23

Why are you doing all this?
They have pushed your DH out of the family AND they are consistently unpleasant to you.

I would just stop doing anything for them. And use that time and energy on yourself. What could you possibly lose? They already bad mouth you.

AttilaTheMeerkat Tue 26-Jan-16 14:23:52

If your H were to downplay this (and he may well do so) he would likely do so because of his parents overall conditioning. He grew up within such a dysfunctional family and perhaps regards their behaviour as pretty much "normal".

He may well want to maintain a relationship of sorts with them (even though he has been cast out) but it does not at all follow that you have to as well.

You may well want to read up on narcissistic families. What you have written of his family of origin is not untypical of what can happen within such dysfunctional family structures.

shutupandshop Tue 26-Jan-16 14:24:41

Why do you bother? Honestly stop. I think it will be very liberating.flowers

Catphrase Tue 26-Jan-16 14:28:43

what absolute bastards!!
Honestly i would have to post something like "or maybe she's already here to see how she could help you more than she already is..... I can see my efforts are best placed elsewhere"

They don't deserve your time and effort. Im amazed now I've stepped back from my Inlaws just how little they bother, just how little they give a shit about me and the kids (had a bit of a cry about it yesterday). Its easier to deal with occasionally instead of constant knock backs

Costacoffeeplease Tue 26-Jan-16 14:29:44

If they treat you so badly, why even try? I gave up on my mil years ago (fil has been dead for a long time) and no longer speak to one bil - they're just not worth it

I'd not do one more thing for them, fuck them

nilbyname Tue 26-Jan-16 14:32:35

Sounds like you do loads, maybe even too much? Are you overbearing and meddling? I don't see it myself but maybe they find it that way?

Do no more. Stop. Stop now. Leave it all to your dh.

BombadierFritz Tue 26-Jan-16 14:35:49

Is there a reason why you've always put so much time and effort into a one sided relationship? 16 years sounds a long time to get to breaking point. I'd just leave them to it. Dont get sucked into dysfunctional relationships.
Mostly they just sound horrible

DinosaursRoar Tue 26-Jan-16 14:37:42

There is nothing you can do that will change their views. You can't win them over, you can't get them to ever think you are the perfect DIL, part of the family or even accept they were wrong about you being rubbish choice by DH.

From now on, I would either stop trying, or at least, only do what you are prepared to while at the same time accepting that whatever you do will not be acknowledged, unless something is not quite right, at which point it will be used as evidence they were right you are rubbish.

Nothing you can do will ever win them over.

shovetheholly Tue 26-Jan-16 14:38:28

Gosh, they sound horrible.

I have a similar situation with my family - a very insular unit of sibling + parents and then me. There are very often dynamics of black sheep/golden child at work in those types of situation that are quite irrational or unfair - as I've done reading over the years, I've realised that their purpose is simply to perpetuate power structures as they exist, and to provide an 'external' scapegoat for internal problems. I wanted to float the possibility that you (and perhaps your DH) have become that scapegoat, and that this actually has very little to do with the 'real' situation and the very material support you've been offering. In other words, you could be an angel straight from heaven, and you'd still be in the same boat because they have to have someone to run down in order to present the fiction that they are in control/normal/functional. (Often there is a secondarily abusive dynamic towards the golden child, who is often reduced to a position of great codependency by the situation, though usually with practical or financial compensations).

Is it possible this might explain it?

diddl Tue 26-Jan-16 14:40:22

I understand that seeing it was a shock, but it's nothing that you didn't know, is it?

I don't get why you do anything at all for people who dislike you so much.

You do just need to stop.

Why do you think that your husband does nothing?

Because he doesn't need to whilst yu do stuff, or because he feels thatthat is what they deserve?

Fontella Tue 26-Jan-16 14:40:48

Why are you running around after these fuckers? Why are you looking into ways of supporting them both? You're not their daughter, you just married one of their sons. They are his problem, not yours.

It doesn't matter how much you do for them you are never going to be appreciated, so don't bother. Just focus on yourself and your kids and let your husband deal with his parents. If he asks why, tell him you're fed up of being treated like shit.

Who the hell someone out of the room to eat separately, so they can have a 'family' meal? I'd have tipped her fucking dinner over her head the nasty old bat. And the FIL slagging you off on the internet - it just shows you what a nasty old git he is. They'll never change so don't even try.

As as for wanting to know about your inheritance, tell them to mind their own business.

You've been their doormat for far too long, time to let them wipe their feet on someone else.

brassbrass Tue 26-Jan-16 14:40:50

Have you been hoping that your continued efforts would result in them waking up one day and embracing you into the bosom of the family?

Guess what? it's never going to happen. They haven't changed their minds in 16 years and nothing you do is going to alter that.

As everyone else has said. Stop. Get some self respect back. They have treated you appallingly and you've kept going back for more.

You actually sat in another room on your own so they could have a 'family' meal. Just wow. And did your DH join them? Mine would have walked out with me and left them all to it. MIL and SIL had these tendencies. We cut them off. The alternative is petty spiteful drama at every encounter.

fuzzywuzzy Tue 26-Jan-16 14:41:54

I wouldn't be doing any of what you are. It would take once for them to make me sit in another room whilst they eat and that would be the last time I'd bother with them again.

They have two grown sons more than capable of stepping up if it is required.

Stop being a martyr and running around after them. Do your own thing, be civil to them and do not go out of your way for them ever again.

You can't force people to love you, you can stop being a doormat.

Piffpaffpoff Tue 26-Jan-16 14:44:11

Stop helping them. Disengage. Don't use up your valuable time where it is not appreciated.

I would also show your husband the other thread and tell him that you will no longer be helping. Be very clear that you are neither seeking or wanting his approval or comment, he just needs to understand that it will all be stopping now.

HanYOLO Tue 26-Jan-16 14:44:27

Your DH needs to Kick Their Arse for being so ungrateful and unkind

Do nothing more for them beyond the most cursory contact and support that duty requires

DH can downplay it but he needs to understand that you are dreadfully hurt

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