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Why would anyone become the OW?

(548 Posts)
StillAgainstTheWind Mon 25-Jan-16 16:10:50

I am mystified as to why any woman would knowingly become the OW.

My friend's marriage was destroyed by her DH's affair last year. Why would any woman choose to sleep with a married man especially one with children?

Statiscally I imagine those affairs that end in a happy, faithful marriage between the affair partners are a tiny minority.

Getting a shag from a single bloke isn't fucking difficult. If a woman is just after sex there's plenty of options other than a married man.

And if it's the soulmates bullshit, well it takes a lot of fucking steps to get to the point of feeling that way.

The reality for most is, I would guess, a snatched hour or two of furtive fucking. Lots of time waiting around for a call or text. Being let down at the last minute.

Why would anyone settle for so little? You hear of women who wait years for the man to leave and he never does. Their whole life on hold waiting for an event that doesn't happen.

How is it justified by OW morally. The man is the one who made the vows I guess?

My friend's husband was a knob anyway and was thinking with his dick. But he didn't make the OW any promises and months later I can't see the appeal for her.

ThisIsStillFolkGirl Mon 25-Jan-16 16:24:33

My dad and my husband both met women they fell in love with as neither of them loved their wives. The women were only ow for a relatively short time. having said that, they were kind of pushed and only left the marriage when their affair was discovered and they were kicked out!

So I suppose other ow know that the men do sometimes leave.

I wouldn't do it either, but I have had the opportunity many, many times. Not because I'm amazing, but because there are far more men willing to cheat than many women on here are comfortable admitting. And all of them have wives who know their husband is not the sort...

One of my friends only today had to remind a colleague that he is married...

There comes a point when maybe there aren't any single men and the only option is a married man who is/claims to be unhappy and only staying so they're not the bad guy (as my dad and exh did) and maybe being the ow is better than nothing

And for some women, all is fair in love and war and, ultimately, most women's loyalty is to themselves and not another woman they've never met.

I think a lot of people just think "fuck it, why not?" And it's no more or less than that.

Jan45 Mon 25-Jan-16 16:28:14

Because they think so little of themselves they think it's all they are worth, they are callous as well to be able to detach from the reality of having sex with a man with a wife and child.

I don't have any sympathy for any adult who puts themselves in this situation and then cries when it all goes wrong and yes, he won't leave the wife!

If you play with fire, expect to get your fingers burnt.

I have a friend who regularly sleeps with attached men, she says feels no guilt because she is single and therefore not hurting a partner, she can't see the connection with the wife at all. She also believes all the BS about the wife being deranged and not understanding him, whereas, my friend, does = man gets a shag.

ThisIsStillFolkGirl Mon 25-Jan-16 16:28:18

That's not to say most women would become an ow!! Just that people look out for their own interests on the main.

If they believe it is in their interests to take a chance on being the ow, then they will.

ThisIsStillFolkGirl Mon 25-Jan-16 16:30:11

And yes, self esteem. Although I've never understood that. I have low self esteem and so it wouldn't occur to me for a second to think a man might leave his wife for me. That's crazy!

Prayingforsnow Mon 25-Jan-16 16:33:49

You said it yourself in your op. It's the 'furtive fucking,' the build-up, the anticipation, the excitement, the heady feelings, the forbiddenness that you don't get in a long-term committed relationship. That is enough for some women. Where it gets complicated is when feelings are involved.

LaurieLemons Mon 25-Jan-16 16:35:00

I don't really get the self esteem thing either, I've been there blush and there are plenty of single blokes around to make yourself feel better!

I think a lot probably don't know to start off with and then they are too insecure/blinded by love to leave. Others just lack a bit of conscience or something I don't know.

TheNaze73 Mon 25-Jan-16 16:35:08

There's a lot of women out there who like it like that, knowing they're not going to get emotionally involved etc. I've had the misfortune of attending over 30 nights at a local hotel & the females are as bad as the blokes. Personally, I really don't get it, I'd feel cheap & have far too much self value, to be anyone's sloppy seconds

Jan45 Mon 25-Jan-16 16:35:11

My friend doesn't seem to learn either, she met a bouncer when I was out with her, gave her no to him, I told her, he's with someone because my best friend's partner is friends with him, I told her 3 times but it made no difference, he told her:

He couldn't finish with her as it was Xmas and my friend took that as meaning: he's honest and she likes that so carried on the chatting!

With that kind of mindset there's no point even trying to get through!

category12 Mon 25-Jan-16 16:36:45

I don't understand waiting around forever for someone to leave the marriage, but can see the attractions of all the fun and no sock washing, being independent and not doing the emotional wife-ing.

Toystory4 Mon 25-Jan-16 16:40:58

Low self esteem for sure is one reason. I know someone who was OD and didn't get any second dates in 2 years. She is a bit full
on personality wise and has body issues and she ended up with a Married man who just wanted her for sex. She put up with it for 3 years because the alternative in her mind was a life of more of the same.

A lot of men will and do cheat given the chance and many are full of bullshit. I've been on the end of this. I went out with a bloke for 2 months before he mentioned that he had a girlfriend! I didn't have a clue and you can be hooked in by then! I ended it but some wouldn't have done as he was very charming.

My cousin told me he and his mates go on a trip to Spain to play golf every year and more than half of them have cheated either in a bar with another holidaymaker or a prostitute!

I know women can be just as bad but I think alot of men are opportunistic even if relatively happy with their wives.

hangingoutattheendofmywick Mon 25-Jan-16 16:42:22

I think it's the idea that this man must be perfect because some other woman married him. Then it's that thing where you're at a restaurant and you want what the other person has ordered. Grass is greener type thing. And maybe getting a boost of self esteem that someone's husband thinks you're so amazing they'll sacrifice everything for you.

I'm not a OW by the way - just trying to think of an answer to your Q

cigarsofthepharaoh Mon 25-Jan-16 16:42:46

Because they like the man (or woman), because they know that it'll just be someone else if it isn't them so it might as well be them, because they get too far in before realising he's attached... There's endless reasons why.

I think most who aren't in love/"soulmates" just think it's the guy's lookout what he does in his various private lives.

TheGreenTriangle Mon 25-Jan-16 16:45:39

I know an OW, she has self esteem issues and thinks very little of herself unfortunately. She believes she's in love and she would rather have a tiny bit of him than not see him at all. She's mentally absolved herself of any responsibility somehow, if the affair was found out and the wife knew hmm

Goes without saying I think the married man is a complete user and tosser.

TheGreenTriangle Mon 25-Jan-16 16:47:28

Oh, and he completely lied to my friend and she was booked before she discovered he was leading a "double" life. She didn't begin the relationship knowing she was the OW, she thought he was exclusive to her. Even more lies from him.

TheGreenTriangle Mon 25-Jan-16 16:48:01

^ hooked

Ludways Mon 25-Jan-16 16:48:50

I have a 'friend' who goes from MM to MM, she thinks along the lines of " he's happily married, but I'm so fantastic that he simply can't resist me. He's powerless to my charms because I'm better than his wife" she then moves to the next one. She absolutely doesn't want them to leave their wives.

It's not me, btw! Lol

crazyhead Mon 25-Jan-16 17:05:59

There are as many reasons for cheating/being the other woman as people having affairs. Yeah, you'll have people who are repeatedly OW but for others it is a thing that they get involved with once that looks nothing like the rest of their life. Kind of like any other regrettable behaviour.

bakingaddict Mon 25-Jan-16 17:07:08

Human emotions are messy and at the end of the day we are just like other animals with a instinct to procreate, I think far more people, both men and woman, would cheat if they were a 100% certain they wouldn't get found out but they stop short of cheating because of the risk of divorce/separation.

The others who do engage in extra-marital sex are obviously more risk takers and I guess single woman of a particular age are more likely to be propositioned by married men.

Jan45 Mon 25-Jan-16 17:07:43

I can't actually believe women swallow the old line of the wife not understanding me or we sleep in separate bedrooms - and they actually believe that the man thinks they are so much more wonderful, it's just, well, complicated, kids, finances, otherwise he'd definitely have left.

Again, for me, it just signifies their complete lack of self worth or value towards another woman.

The ones that come on here bleating about the man ending things twist the story so it looks like they are just the innocent one being lead astray by the man - bullshit, they knew he was attached or they find out but still carry it on, cos, they have feelings - what about the feelings of the poor woman and at times, her kids.

There was a thread last week from OW and she had nothing but sympathy cos apparently her husband was seeing escorts, so that made it alright - folk actually saying oh well it's fine, your OH is a bastard so carry on......confused.

Jan45 Mon 25-Jan-16 17:10:22

Human emotions are messy and at the end of the day we are just like other animals with a instinct to procreate, I think far more people, both men and woman, would cheat if they were a 100% certain they wouldn't get found out but they stop short of cheating because of the risk of divorce/separation.

Not for me, I couldn't live with my conscience. I also have zero desire to kiss another man other than the one I am with, 14 years so far without any doubts.

A lot of affairs start cos the people don't end their shit relationship in the first place.

MorrisZapp Mon 25-Jan-16 17:13:28

I haven't knowingly been OW, but when friends have found themselves on the edge of it, it's because the man has lied.

'my wife is great and my home life is fulfilling, but if you want a meaningless shag I'm up for it '

Said no man ever.

MorrisZapp Mon 25-Jan-16 17:14:52

Could you link to the thread on which an OW got nothing but sympathy? All I ever see is a disgraceful, misogynist flaming.

Toystory4 Mon 25-Jan-16 17:16:43

Affairs maybe yes Jan but not always one night stands etc. I think some men will take the risk even if they are happy at home. Some women will too clearly but I think many married women who embark on affairs are unhappy and like you say won't end their relationship for one reason or another.

tormentil Mon 25-Jan-16 17:19:57

Not all OWs want the man to leave his wife. She might only want sex occasionally and not want the constraints of marriage. It can suit a single woman who has children at home, wants some sex but is unsure about bringing a man into her home and into the lives of her children.

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