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Feeling battered

(5 Posts)
Bella185 Mon 25-Jan-16 13:36:45

Hi everyone. I'm new on here so please forgive me if I'm getting things wrong. My partner and I have been together for over 5 years. It is and has been without a doubt a difficult relationship from the beginning with the long distance and cultural differences (my family not accepting him and his family thinking he'd be better off and happier without me). The first 3 years were as good as they could be he was loving caring and attentive. He was a soft and gentle person and I could even describe him as needy. He'd always pay attention to the things I'd love and hate and would stick up on chocolate bars that were my favourite. Things were great. Then it got bad he felt insecure and started attacking me for things I couldn't help and in the end it drove me away, we split up, he got with someone else, we got back together a few months later and at that point I started on him with all the jealousy of the new girl he'd been with. I feel like bit by bit my jealousy had been pushing him away but I just couldn't help it.

Anyway, a couple of years ago he moved to be closer to me so we could spend more time together and it was awesome whole weekends and evenings together it couldn't have been better. But then he fell ill with a hernia, the Dr signed him off work and he would regularly have to pop back to his hometown to get his sick note from his GP. So last February he went down there to pick up his sick note as usual and said he'd be back in a couple of days to which I agreed. Only a few days later he text me saying how he was staying down there for longer because his step-dad was in hospital for an operation and he wanted my partners mum to be there with him. They have two kids aged 13 and 17 both needed looking after so they asked my partner and he, being the pushover that he is, agreed. Now you're all probably going to think I'm evil not sparing a thought for a man in hospital but my partners mum and stepdad take regular expensive holidays abroad (about 3 times a year) and of course other domestic holidays, his stepdad owns several properties and he works yet they claim they cannot afford a babysitter for their kids. Every time they go on holiday or just feel like getting away they dump their kids on my partner and we have to give up our time together for them. So yes when they asked my partner to babysit their kids again I was pretty annoyed. He stayed there for 3 weeks looking after their kids when he said he'd be back within a couple of days. He is also scared of his own dad, he does whatever his dad tells him to do. So whilst he was there his dad told him to resign at work and hand in his notice to his landlord and he went ahead and did it. All without discussing it with me first. When he told me I was heartbroken, he broke his promise from me. I felt so distant from him I thought I was the closest thing to him in the world and then he just went and tired our world upside down without even discussing it with me. I went crazy and the time between when he came back to him leaving was just constant arguing and fighting. I hated that he kept letting his family come between us and he kept blaming me for it saying it as my fault.

After he left things changed completely I kept attacking him he became distant we only saw each other once a week if that and even then it was only for 6 hours and that's how it's been since March/April. At Christmas time we were supposed to exchange presents the last Saturday before Christmas. Only his brother had his birthday party on that day. My partner said he was t interested in going and he'd rather spend the day with me to which I agreed then his dad told him he had to go and he cancelled on me. I said to him, 'What about giving me my presents?' To which he replied 'I don't care.' This is just how much his dad has him under his thumb that he can make him change his mind within a split second. I was angry at him I didn't go to see him for another month. I went on Saturday we were both angry and frustrated at each other. He put his arms around me and I told him to get off he wouldn't listen so I said it again and because he wouldn't leave me alone I had to shout and push him away to which he pushed me back he started out of anger and frustration I started shouting and screaming saying 'why don't you go and see Martin instead?' Martin's his brother the one he chose to see instead of me. He dragged me across the bed and punch me in my ribs and told me to shut up. I was just so angry at this point and I could see he was to he threw my stuff at me and told me to get out so I got ready to leave and as I left I threw his deodorant bottle at him. He got up and threw me across the room I fell on the chest of drawers, I got up and pushed him away he put his arm around my neck and locked it tightly until I could feel myself suffocate, then he pushed me to the floor and kicked me in my ribs and my pussy. I started screaming saying stop I began to hyperventilate and I asked him to open a window to get some air in but he refused saying everyone outside will hear me scream. Eventually he stopped and then left me in the room and went downstairs I could hear him watching the tv.

He came upstairs a while later really apologetic I said to him you must feel so proud of yourself, you're such a man. But he kept saying it was my fault and that I made him react the way he did and how it would be better if we split up because I make him a worse person. He apologised for what he did and I said it was okay (spur of the moment thing of course it wasn't okay) and he said no it's not okay.

Yesterday I could feel my arms hurting my leg, my ribs even my chest from where he pushed down on me so hard. This morning I woke up with the same pain feeling physically battered and emotionally numb. I can just see his angry face and feel the heat of the moment when I close my eyes how much he was hurting me inflicting pain on me and he didn't care. All I can think of is what a monster he became and how I am I supposed to just pretend like nothing happened? I can't pretend like it didn't happen the pain in my body reminds me of that; I feel like a battered wife.

I am sorry this is so long winded but I felt like in order to get an honest opinion I had to give the whole story to put it into context. He wasn't a bad person he was the kindest I knew but he changed and became the worst. Is it my fault? Did I drive him into it with my constant jealousy and agony? Did I push him into reacting the way he did on Saturday? Did I deserve it? I feel like somehow I'm to blame for him being distant and just not loving me anymore.

I feel like my whole life has spiralled almost out of control since I left university. When I was at uni I was happy, I had a part time job, I had money, my partner was nice to me, I had everything going for me but I've been unemployed since then and everything seems to have just gone downhill.

Thank you for lending a listening ear and again apologies for it being so long.

WONAR Mon 25-Jan-16 19:32:41

I'll be honest, this post was long and I skipped a lot of it but the whole part about physical violence made me sit up.

I feel like a battered wife.
You're not married to this guy, but he DID batter you.

Let me stress this: this is not your fault. You didn't cause his physical violence and you are responsible for none of it. Any decent person may feel like lashing out in anger (I have felt that way in the past!), but they have the restraint and respect for other people to not do it. No matter what he says, this man doesn't love you or respect you. He is entirely to blame for his reaction and he has committed a horrible crime beating you and choking you to the point of suffocation. I would suggest you take photos and go to the police with them.

The only thing he's done right in this situation is saying it's not ok for him to physically assault you. Remember that you didn't cause this, and you don't deserve this.

Please give Women's Aid a call (0808 2000 247, and it's free) - they'll be able to help you far better than I can.

WONAR Mon 25-Jan-16 19:38:42

Also, can I point you to this thread which is pinned on the Relationships board. It's good reading and makes a lot of sense.

pocketsaviour Mon 25-Jan-16 20:58:36

OP, please seek medical attention tomorrow, as a priority. It sounds like you could have some cracked ribs, and I think you need some support to get out of this relationship, which your GP will be able to help with.

Also agree with Wonar's suggestion to call Women's Aid, who will be able to support and help further.

Nobody should have to live like this. You deserve a million times better.

NotnowNigel Mon 25-Jan-16 21:01:02

I have read you whole post OP, and I can understand why you have some misgivings for your actions. But, I do agree with WONAR, you are not to blame for his attack. Only he is responsible for that. You should report.

As for your lack of job, I think you should just shelve those worries for a week or two while you recover. Be kind to yourself and take it easy. Do you have friends/family that you can be with and talk to? I think you should seek some rl support as well as posting here.

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