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Partner going on an "abusers course"

(12 Posts)
Xan404 Mon 25-Jan-16 11:09:40

I feel that my "dh" has been emotionally, sexually and financially abusive over much of our marriage.

I read "why does he do that." From a recommendation here and it made me cry. It made me realise how crap my marriage was and I told my husband I wanted to separate.

He is on a course to help him see where he went wrong. However he is saying that since he "has never been in my face" or " hit me" like the other men on his course, he knows that he hasn't been abusive.

I'm guessing that he will never change his behaviour as he feels there is nothing to change

Have any other partners been on this course and had partners that did make permanent changes for the better?

timebuying Mon 25-Jan-16 11:44:01

Unless they realise that they have a problem they won't change. In my case he did want to change and I would say it bought us about a year before things went down hill again. What prompted the down hill was that he went to booster sessions after the course had finished and the other people who were on the boosters had a lot of other problems and (similar to you) he thought himself as better than them.

In the end the relationship has to be right between the two of you rather than relying on outside help. Perhaps you need to make clear to him what you need to change
e.g. I am going to separate from you unless
a) you allow me to see the bank account
b) I am allowed to spend when I need to
c) etc etc.
Then agree that this has to start from now. If this does not work or you can't even approach him in this way then I would separate. He needs to see that actions have consequences. That's the key thing from the book you mentioned. Abusers abuse because they think they are entitled to and they think they are entitled to because noone has stopped them.

hellsbellsmelons Mon 25-Jan-16 12:06:59

Have you done the Freedom Programme?
If not then contact Womens Aid and enrol on a course in your area.
If you really don't want to attend then you can do it on-line.
The laws have changed very recently regarding what domestic abuse is.
Google it and check it all out.

Of course it's not HIM - hell no - that would mean admitting something awful. He has the life he wants right now with no challenges.
You know you need to get away.
No-one on here is going to tell you to stay with an abuser.
Just because it's not physical, doesn't mean a thing. It's proven that mental abuse can be even more damaging!

There is a 'pinned' post on relationships board and you need to read that. Inwardly digest and act on it. It's THIS LINK

AnyFucker Mon 25-Jan-16 12:08:59

Are you considering continuing your marriage ?

BarbarianMum Mon 25-Jan-16 12:13:30

<<I'm guessing that he will never change his behaviour as he feels there is nothing to change>>

This. I think changing ones ingrained patterns of behaviour is very, very difficult - even if you want to change. I think it will also be very difficult for him to change such ingrained behaviours in a relationship with you. Couples build up a pattern of behavior that it is easy to slip back into. Can you be with him but behave differently?

Also, even if he did change (or change a bit, or change a bit for a while), that doesn't mean you have to forgive and forget and trust him again. It's fine for you to want to leave because he has treated you badly in the past.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Mon 25-Jan-16 12:48:48

I don't know if he will gain anything from the course but it doesn't look promising.
I don't know you but please remember you deserve love and respect from those around you.
You are worth everything you want in life.

bibliomania Mon 25-Jan-16 12:58:25

So is he taking the approach that it's his interpretation of events that counts? His view of the borderline between acceptable and unacceptable?

He hasn't learned very much at all then.

Xan404 Tue 26-Jan-16 10:55:00

AF......no, my marriage is over and has been for a long time. I still,want my stbxh to be a decent human being though

I just wondered if anyone here had a partner who made permanent changes after going on this course.

Kewcumber Tue 26-Jan-16 11:04:28

I still,want my stbxh to be a decent human being though

I'd like to marry Pierce Brosnan - I can't make that happen either.

Interestingly your stbxh doesn't want to be a decent person as long as he's not as bad as someone horrific.

hellsbellsmelons Tue 26-Jan-16 11:05:01

I think if you look into it approx 25% have some kind of improvement.
50% don't change and 25% just learn new tactics of how to abuse.
It might be 30/30/30 split - but google it.
It's not very successful.
Abuse is so in built and they have to believe what they are doing is wrong and actually WANT to change.
For most of them it works for them to be abusive so why would they want to change?

RiceCrispieTreats Tue 26-Jan-16 11:09:00

If you've read Lundy then you'll know that your husband's reaction is classic for an abuser.

You need to let him work on whether he wants to be a better oerson; or not. It's not your lookout, but his own. He may be erring, but that is his still hos own business to sort out, or not.

Focus on your own happiness.

Xan404 Tue 26-Jan-16 11:15:00

Thank you, as always you've all been helpful

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