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Grandparent favouritism, how to handle it?(16 Posts)
So I am the eldest of four.
My bro lives in France and hasn't kids.
My two sisters are 14 years younger than me and from my mums second marriage.
I have five dc spread from 30-4.
Mum has always been a good granny although was working until a few years ago so rarely looked after my dc.
My sisters chikdren are all 3 and under.
The 3 year old is literally like a prince to my mum. It's ridiulous.
She looks after him while my sis works 2 days.
When we visit or call, she talks about him non stop and my two younger ones have noticed this.
We went to watch my dd in panto yesterday, she has worked so hard rehearsing for months.
Mum bought the fav gs who clings to her and won't say hello to anyone, winges and clambers all over her.
I was met with her telling me she was having him to stay but he's refusing to but that my sister was ill so she simply had to get over to her the next day to look after them. She hardky aknowledged my 4 year old or my gs (her ggs) just kept on about having to go and help dsis.
I have has 4 surgerys in the last two years and currently have my arm in a cast, she has never once offered to help me!!
Dh and I had good giggle about it last night but I do feel pretty hurt about it if I'm honest.
I also had PIL here all weekend to see dd for her birthday, they seem tone unable to talk about anything else but the other granddaughter and how much they do to help them!
They live away to be fair but on top of my mum I could scream!!!
Probably not much I can do but just fancied a bit of a rant.
You're right on two counts there I think- it's shit and also there's not much you can do.
Sorry to hear it though.
So common among me and my friends. My grandparents just were like this - my grandma was amusingly open that she 'didn't like girls'. I have to say I don't care two hoots now, in case you are worried about your kids' feelings.
My family was big with lots of grandchildren like yours - I wonder if in my GPs case like yours they almost couldn't cope with the number of kids so they are focusing on one close relationship? In other friends' cases it has been about close proximity, child being born when a GP felt 'ready' for that role, a perception of being particularly needed by a certain grandchild.
For me, the boot is on the other foot a bit as my Mil is so close to my 2ds, particularly the older one. He was born not much before my FIL got terminal cancer and has been A pivotal relationship in that awful time- I think temperamentally ds1 and mil just happen to gel too. My DBIL and his wife haven't had kids yet, but they live abroad and I doubt their kids will have quite the same relationship. I sometimes think as parents we do everything to be fair but grandparents don't have quite that same impulse
We don't. Handle it I mean. We are full of grudge.
Why grandparents, who you may not see often, think you want to spend the whole time talking about the marvels of their other grandchildren is a mystery to me.
Still it gives me and DH lots to talk about!
Was your sister the favoured child when you were growing up? (Although I realise you might have left home by then?)
Yes they both were. It's as if they are separate to me.
A few years ago we decided to do secret Santa which I thought was a god idea.
It turned out it was just my family invokved with this. When I questioned my mum she said "oh no, I still buy for the girls abd "us lot" "
I spent many christna's as a single parent abd was never invited as "we like xnas just us"
crazy that's interesting, my grandma was very open about 'not liking girls' too! My brother, who visited rarely, could do no wrong, I however, who often saw and called her, was the anti-Christ. She wasn't interested in my DC's either...because they were girls.
OP, I SO know where you are coming from. DH's parents are just like this. They talk non stop about SIL's child, even turning the conversation about our own kids round to her. DH's Dad even once said my DD's were 'different' to their other grandkids as they are not biologically DH's. Plus they looked after SIL's kid constantly (though she's 18 now so not so much) but we would feel like it was a huge ask, and laden with guilt, if we asked for them to have DS just for one day whilst I was at work! Oh and taking SIL's daughter and DH's daughter (my stepdaughter) away for a holiday and not asking our DS (their BIOLOGOCAL grandchild for clarity!)
It is shit. It drives us mad. But we try and laugh about it too.
My PIL are like this, except our DC are the only grandchildren.
But my DH's cousin's children are favoured.
My DC are 16, 14 and nearly 12, now, and they just laugh about it. Apparently, their second cousins are superior, because they like to eat meat, whereas my DDs prefer vegetables (and one is a vegetarian).
My DS has always been the favourite of my three, but we are so low contact as to make it barely noticeable, and we downplay it to my children, by laughing at MIL's sillier pronouncements (like the meat eating, above).
I get that it hurts you - it certainly hurts my DH - but hopefully you can shield your DC from it, somewhat by minimising the contact they have with their GM.
Thanks for replies, it helps to know I'm not the only one.
Tbh I think I overdosed on it over the weekend and need to distance myself for
about ten years a while to get a break from it all.
I actually dislike my mother since she became a grandmother.
She pisses herself every time her GC has a sniffle and goes mental with worry over it questioning if sis and bil are doing right by the precious darling.
I have said ti DM a few times remember when I was a child and you smacked me lots and sent me swimming with a hacking cough. Good enough for me but not for precious gc. She denied it all.
my sis was the favoured child and when i have dc i can already tell she wont be interested as much in mine.
Belated but yes I get this. I don't think my mum theoretically loves my kids less but because she officially helps my sister with childcare she tells stories about them like they are hers. She is oblivious to it being hurtful or seeming like favouritism and if i called her up in it would either cry or make me out to be paranoid and irrational. So I just ignore it and it has stopped botherinf me as much as it used to. It is hurtful though. My sister was the favourite one, I know my brother thinks so too. I know everything about my sister's babyhood and childhood - and barely anything about mine!
Yes I have this problem except my only living "X father" is totally and always has been totally obsessed with my eldest daughter who is now 20 but has only seen my two year old once when she was 6 months old. Funny though as my eldest doesn't even bother with him! It's very hurtful and one of the many reasons why I have nothing to do with him.
My mother did this, but she died when my dc of an age where they would have openly noticed and talked about it so I have no idea about what they think about her, or how it has affected them.
My DF is thoughtless and carries the favouritism on. My DC don't have a lot to do with him - they are young adults and have their own lives to sort out, without being guilted into sending birthday cards to relatives that have no proper relationship with them.
It is a really sad thing, but I tried to make things better and it back-fired. I just hope I do a better job of it, if I get the chance.
You are right to step back and laugh
This is exactly the same in my family and has caused much upset over the years. I once called my mother out on it and all of a sudden I became the bad guy and she got my sister involved who also took her side! She has since made more of an effort (not as much as I'd like but it did make a difference). Also I can see an up side which is I don't have to listen to her judgemental criticism and my children won't be feel that they can never meet her high expectations either!! I'm not bitter about it at all
My mum is like this and it's infuriating. All fir my sister and her kids and I'm the outsider. We went on a caravan holiday and she stayed with my sister the entire holiday and barely bothered with us. I think some grandparents just go wherever they get doted on for narcasistic fix!
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