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3 months later. Now i really dont know what to think.

(16 Posts)
Kiwiblue02 Sun 24-Jan-16 19:35:38

I started this post last year
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2499787-Whats-wrong-with-me-Am-I-overreacting-Feel-hurt

I never found out why he did that, he gave me no reason but proved he blocked her and deleted on all communications. But he did it without telling her why, just block and delete. Just like that.

Anyway, I've still been paranoid, it hurt and it's been lurking in the back of my head.

Tonight, I saw his fb page open. I couldn't help myself and I feel ashamed again. I typed in the first few letters of her name, a random gut feeling, and her name popped up. He's unblocked her. He hasn't sent her a message though.

I thought things were going well. But now I'm in a whirlwind. Do I just let it go?

SfaOkaySuperFurryAnimals Sun 24-Jan-16 19:46:05

I would, this will never change, while he is leaving channel open, you are never going to move forward IMO, sorry .

MoominPie22 Sun 24-Jan-16 19:54:21

This doesn´t bode well Kiwi...I would confront him and ask him why!? No need to feel ashamed....if he´d behaved like a decent, civilised partner in the 1st place you wouldn´t be paranoid!

See what he has to say for himself and then re-evaluate where you go from here. flowers

Kiwiblue02 Sun 24-Jan-16 19:58:31

I can't because I feel so embarrassed for looking in the first place. I still have no explanation of why he screenshotted those pics and everything in the first place. I don't want an argument. I want to be wrong, so badly. I love him so much. Maybe he was just curious? I don't know what to think anymore. Maybe my expectation of being the only one he thinks about is just naive.

I'm just a scared idiot that doesn't want things to go badly. I want him to be the one. I need a slap but I can't find the strength.

MoominPie22 Sun 24-Jan-16 20:08:27

Why do you feel embaressed? Honestly, there´s no need. He´s made you insecure and uncertain in the 1st place. I think you´re entirely within your rights to ask him what is going on.

I´m thinking if he´s got unfinished business, an agenda or what?? God knows. If you can let it go, not say anything so that you don´t give him a heads up and go about your life and business as usual.....BUT keep your eyes and ears well open for any clues he´s being deceitful, well then crack on. Bide your time and see if anything else suspect happens.

Are you able to put this to the back of your mind, but carry on with your radar well and truly switched on?

Binders1 Sun 24-Jan-16 22:03:40

Kiwi, my thread was referred to in your original thread a few times. My ex had a 'best friend' - turned out they had been sleeping together on and off for decades and throughout our 14 year relationship. She was even married with DC's. Even though they knew it was wrong they didn't feel it was really that bad because of the relationship they had. I ended it straight away. I found out by finding porno photos of them and confronted him.

You don't know if your dp has been unfaithful but he has been inappropriate with the photos etc and I don't think anyone on your original thread believed for one second he was going to end all contact. You have to accept he isn't going to either. Do NOT feel embarrassed. He left his fb open and you looked because he betrayed your trust a couple of months ago and he needs to earn your trust. You tell him you know he has unblocked her and listen to more of his excuses. Or you can do as moomin suggested and say nothing and keep your eyes open. I couldn't be worrying about it - you have had this knot in your stomach for months now.

Good luck kiwi, I'm really sorry you are going through this. I know how shit it feels.

Binders1 Sun 24-Jan-16 22:07:28

Also, you can't trust him if he keeps lying to you all the time kiwi! So if he says why are you checking up or spying on me tell him ' because you're a LIAR!

Mummystar123 Sun 24-Jan-16 22:47:08

He Is a quintessential liar! God I swear these men must have some sort of club or something. You shod just bin him, he has lid to you more than once, both directly and by omission. You deserve better

Kiwiblue02 Mon 25-Jan-16 00:33:39

I confronted him. He said she was blocked. I asked him to show me and prove it. He said no. He's now deleted all his social media accounts.

Upawall Mon 25-Jan-16 07:34:48

Leave him.

Isetan Mon 25-Jan-16 07:55:56

You can not trust him because he is untrustworthy and the price of being a relationship with him, is how you're currently feeling. You have a choice as to how long you keep paying and that is your responsibility.

OhShutUpThomas Mon 25-Jan-16 08:00:30

He's taking you for a mug. He needs a shock.

Leave him and see what he does - if he's truly sorry hell do anything to put it right.
If he's not that bothered then at least you know.

Win win.

Sorry this is happening op.

Kiwiblue02 Mon 25-Jan-16 20:03:10

He shows all the signs of a committed partner. We live together, he's affectionate, plan holidays, talk about the future, go out. He's there when I need him. I'm so confused. Why do all this if I mean that little?

TheObserverOne Mon 25-Jan-16 20:22:57

Op I don't think you mean "that little" to your partner... in all fairness he probably does love you and want to be with you... But unfortunately it seems as though he isn't ready to let her go. If I were you I think it probably best to walk away now, because if he can't let her go by now then he probably never will.

tribpot Mon 25-Jan-16 20:36:38

He shows all the signs of a committed partner.

Such as what? Going on holiday? Talking about the future?

He isn't showing all the signs of a committed partner. He had a best friend he kept separate from his other friends and had sexy close-up pics of her on his phone. That is not the sign of a committed partner. He has lied to you about breaking off contact with her - frankly you must see it was extremely unlikely that he really had. A best friend? And he dropped her and blocked her without a word? You monitored all his texts to make sure he didn't communicate with her that way, e.g. 'we need to use Whatsapp now, she's rumbled me on Facebook' or similar?

You realise people had affairs before social media, right? He hasn't deleted his email, he hasn't deleted his phone number. There are still ways for them to communicate at long distance.

You really need to evaluate what commitment looks like. It's not about words. Examine his actions. The very best case scenario here is that he is a shitty friend, and that doesn't say much.

Upawall Tue 26-Jan-16 00:22:06

I've been here.
Find after find. Pictures. Screen shots of her with friends zoomed in on her. Writing song lyrics about how he hated her. Writing a diary about looking at girls online who resembled her. This escalated to searching out females on facebook who looked like her and saving pics. He messaged them hoping to get some dialogue going.
There's no doubt in my mind that he wouldn't have cheated. He had a good thing with me and he knew it. But ultimately I was stable. I didn't provide the same 'kick' he had gotten from seeing this ex (their relationship was kept a secret as she was with someone else on and off)
All the online stuff stemmed from the fact he missed the excitement of the type of relationship he had with her.
I posted a thread. Listened to what everyone on here said and hot tge courage together to throw him out. There hadn't even been big kick off that day. For some reason I just realiased I'd had enough.
I lacked his stuff and dropped it at his parents house and told them he would explain. Then I had tge locks changed. I called him and told him he wouldn't be able to get in. Told him that men like him don't get tI have women like me and treat them like shit.
He was devastated. So was i but I stood my ground. My kids were 16, 14 and 1 at tge time and it was hard but I threw myself in to caring for them.
He was gone for 4 months. He was allowed access to the house three times a week to see the kids but then he was told to leave afterwards. During this time he attended councellibg and changed his job (so he wouldn't see her) he tried to talk me round but I wasn't resenting til he realised what he lost.
The problem with fantasies is that the idea of being with someone is always better than the reality. I told him he was now free to pursue her and he realised he didn't want to.
I lived my life for those months and made some major changes. I go out more with friends and have more hobbies as well as starting my own business. I've continued with all this since allowing him back in to the family. He's working hard to earn back my trust and he knows what he stands to lose. And we both know I can make it on my own and be just fine if he ever takes me for granted again

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