Should I stay or should I go?

[Mumtoone2015]

Long story, been married for 5 yrs but together for 12. Things were good to start, we did lots together and got along well but over the years things have changed and got worse. My husband loves to go out drinking and in the past has done it very often and to excess despite me being unhappy about it. I then found out he'd been using other substances and went mad obviously. He often lies rather than tell me the truth if it's something he thinks I won't like as he says he can't talk to me. There have been times when we've split up and discussed divorce but we've always ended up back together as we do love each other but are very different people. Since having our daughter he hasn't gone out that often but has been working really long hours meaning I've done nearly all the childcare, housework etc and have had no time for myself. Our daughter is a terrible sleeper, hates her cot and as a result I have moved into the spare room where she can sleep with me (husband is a smoker) so we have no alone time as a couple. This evening husband has come in and said he had a deal for me, he was going to the pub (whether I liked it or not) and in return he would finish work early tomorrow and look after our daughter so I can have some time to myself. I feel like looking after his own child when he's not at work is not a deal for me but should be something he wants to do! And I'm so fed up of the lack of respect of him doing whatever he wants regardless of my feelings when I don't behave that way at all. I know I've created the situation by giving him many second chances in the past but now we have a child I'm torn between staying for her and leaving so she doesn't grow up thinking that's how a husband should treat his wife?

[SfaOkaySuperFurryAnimals]

Go, find a better life for your baby and yourself.

[RunRabbitRunRabbit]

Staying for her? What exactly would be the benefit to her?

[goddessofsmallthings]

we do love each other

Your h doesn't love you as much as he loves having a live-in cook/cleaner/nanny/vagina to stick his dick into and the ability to do wtf he wants whenever he chooses to.

If you stay with him your dd will not only "grow up thinking that's how a husband should treat his wife, she's also grow up stinking of tobacco smoke.

[Mumtoone2015]

Thanks for your responses. My DD def won't stink of tobacco smoke as he doesn't smoke in the house, car or anywhere near her and gets changed when he has been smoking before he holds her or plays with her so no need to worry about that.

[bb888]

It doesn't seem like staying would be for your daughter. In addition to not giving her a bad impression of what marriage is about, you will have more time for her if you aren't doing everything for a husband.

[Mumtoone2015]

To be fair to him, he hasn't been home to do these things he has been working. We've just got a cleaner to help now I'm back to work and he will be looking after our daughter one day a week so I can go back to work full time. That doesn't excuse him thinking he can behave how he likes regardless of my feelings but he is very good with our daughter and she loves the time she spends with him.

[smallfry16]

Why are you defending this man? He sounds awful. Good luck to you then.

[smallfry16]

You've obviously decided to stay and put up with him.

[Mumtoone2015]

I'm not defending him I've clearly said that his behaviour is not excused I'm just elaborating on the situation. I thought this was a place to support each other with constructive comments/advice, I'll take what you've said on board but there is no need to twist my words or assume you know what I've decided

[goddessofsmallthings]

as a result I have moved into the spare room where she can sleep with me (husband is a smoker)

If he doesn't smoke in the house and always "gets changed when he has been smoking before he holds her or plays with her" why have you moved into the spare room?

[goddessofsmallthings]

The title of your OP suggests that you haven't decided to stay or go, but your subsequent responses suggest that you have made up your mind to stay with him and are looking for opinions that will support your decision.

[Mumtoone2015]

As the guidance on co-sleeping is to never do it if a parent smokes so we're not taking the risk

[HaveNoTimeToThinkOfName]

Hi OP, sounds like you need to get a babysitter if you can and have an evening out together, you aren't spending any time together to feel a couple and it can end up feeling like you are the sole parent/cleaner/cook etc and you end up resenting him, maybe he feels like he is the one out the house constantly working? You need to talk and tell him how you feel, that you want things to work out but everytime you take him back he doesn't make an effort to change his ways. He needs to realise how you feel, it is worth trying for your daughters sake as he sounds a good daddy. Having a child changes the dynamics of a relationship, things are never quite the same again!! Especially adding lack of sleep to the equation!

Why don't you suggest him staying in to look after your daughter one evening while you go to the pub/cinema/meal or something with a friend? Make him realise you could both do with some time out. You do also need to do some things together however to help remember yourselves as a couple and not separate mummy and daddy roles IYSWIM!

Maybe he doesn't realise the extent of how you feel, he is taking you for granted and needs to be reminded of how things have slipped and you are not happy. Sometimes men need things spelt out to them!

Also, how old is your daughter? It may be worth trying to sort out her sleep habits so you can get back into your own bed/room as this will help your daughter in the long run too. We started 'sleep training' with our daughter at about 6 months as she was a nightmare sleeper and after 3 nights she was sorted, it made such a difference, I could sleep in the same bed as hubby again and a full nights sleep makes everything seem better! Sure there is a whole other thread for that mind you!....

[Mumtoone2015]

I haven't decided anything, leaving the family home and taking my daughter away from her father is a huge decision and responsibility that I won't be making lightly. I'm trying to take a balanced view of the situation, not make decisions in anger and certainly won't be deciding this evening. Thanks for taking the time to comment, I will take time to reflect on the situation and discuss my feelings with my husband ensuring we create the best future for our daughter

[Mumtoone2015]

Thank you Havenotimetothinkofname for your constructive comments.

You're right about the dynamics changing and I think that is a big part of my feelings. Getting back to work is helping me get a bit more of myself back rather than just mummy and housewife.
I think my husband was trying (very badly) with his deal to show that he understands I need my time too which is why he offered to have our daughter tomorrow eve and he has on a couple of occasions had her for the evening while I have been out but she is very hard work at bed time so I've avoided it to be honest.

She's 8 months now and we are trying to get her to sleep in her own cot in her room (she's made it though till 1.30 recently), we're getting there but it's slow progress as neither of us can handle her crying we just give in!

I will talk to him and see if he understands, it's difficult for him too as he's working 10-12 hr days 7 days a week with a physical job so I also need to be understanding that he's tired when he gets in rather than just listing all the things I want him to help out with.

We are lucky to have grandparents close by always offering to babysit so we have that opportunity to take some time out together if we decide that's the right way to move forward

[Gibbonbadtasteinmen]

Hi, I completely understand how you feel, men are just born selfish in my experience! I have 4 children my youngest is only 16months and my husband seems to think they are solely my responsibility even st the weekend. Don't get me wrong he works all week so doesn't get much time to himself but he leaves at 6.30 am, works til 3.30 then gym then home to crash on sofa. You need to explain how it's making you feel, you both need time to do the things that you enjoy away from your usual responsibilities. Good luck

[Suzie83]

I'm in the same boat. Been married for 4 years but together 15 years. Got 2 children 5 & 8 months. I've been back to work full time for 3 weeks now and it's hard work. My little one wakes sporadically during the night but usually wants up at about 5.40 / 6am and it's always me. I've asked the oh twice his week and he's refused. I spend most nights crying and we just argue all the time. I'm seriously thinking about leaving him but I have no idea where to start. Hot no family to go to with 2 kids, he won't be a man and leave so I'm stuck. He makes me feel use less.