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Any words of advice? I am off to the police station tomorrow to report my husband

(50 Posts)
positivo Sat 23-Jan-16 18:42:16

I am living with my soon to be ex husband. He has been emotionally abusive for years - it's taken me a long time to realise and a long time to pluck up the courage to divorce him. We are still in the same house with our two teenage children. I AM getting stronger and handling the abuse better BUT this means he is now escalating the abuse to higher levels and pushing me to my limits. My counsellor, close friends and my solicitor have all advised that I need to talk to the police as his behaviour is simply at unacceptable levels. Today I plucked up the courage, rang the non emergency number, burst into tears and they were lovely. The next stage is to meet with an officer to discuss my situation, it's all being kept confidential and I am going to a station rather than meeting at home (he bobs back throughout the day if I don't answer the home phone to check up on me)

TBH - I am shaking even now. I am really scared, this is a BIG step for me to even admit that I should get the police involved. Those friends have said thank God and about time but that's all very well but I am the one living it right now.

Does anyone have any experience of this situation with the police etc..? He has never hit me nor threatened to but the psychological abuse is getting worse that one day that may change. He's even started on our daughter now who is 16.
Any kind words of advice are really welcome.

Thanks xx

Doublebubblebubble Sat 23-Jan-16 18:46:28

YOU. ARE. DOING. THE. RIGHT. THING.

He is a pig x keep going for your DD x I have no experience of dealing with the police but I lived in a home where my dad would beat my mum. He then turned on me and my brother. She left but we're all quite damaged by it.

Doublebubblebubble Sat 23-Jan-16 18:47:59

*it all started with emotional abuse too

positivo Sat 23-Jan-16 20:18:23

Sadly, that's the background I have too. dad would bully us all, then be utterly wonderful and eventually - I could hear their arguments and then the punches would start and my mum trying not to scream too loudly.

It damaged me and my brother too.
Thank you for your kind words.

ladybird69 Sat 23-Jan-16 20:31:27

Please Pos get everything recorded. I was in your position and didn't and my ex twisted everything so that I ended up looking like the crazy one, he even had me doubting myself(since found out it's called gas lighting). then he and the ow and his family spread rumours and slander about me! so that he was the victim getting away from the mental woman!!!!!
sending you strength, he is your enemy X

BYOSnowman Sat 23-Jan-16 20:34:51

Good luck

Write a list so you remember everything you want to say

positivo Sat 23-Jan-16 20:36:06

You got that one right ladybird69. I have been keeping a diary. So I'm hoping this will mean I'm taken seriously. He's already threatened to have me done for assault (I pushed him away from me).

tbtc20 Sat 23-Jan-16 20:39:08

Well done. That was a big step.

We are leading very similar lives at the moment (I have a thread on Relationships).

The police will take the situation very seriously. They will be kind. You are doing the right thing. You know you can't live the rest of your life this way, but can empathise with how you feel, really I can.

numberseventeen Sat 23-Jan-16 20:39:32

You're doing the right thing, reporting to the police was only the beginning but absolutely the best thing I've done.

Please speak to women's aid- they were my savours. Get out or get a plan to get out asap, keep the momentum.

I hope tomorrow goes well, I'll be checking back in. Good luck flowers

positivo Sat 23-Jan-16 21:59:05

Hi Tbtc20 and numberseventeen. Thank you - It was the biggest scariest step ever. Did you take someone with you? A really close girlfriend has offered and I don't know if I should go it alone or not?

I am shaking - I can't leave yet. So this is being done very carefully...

I keep thinking of not going as the easier option as the consequences are going to be horrendous but will they be just as horrendous if I don't.

Oh god - I'm a bloody mess sad

slebmum1 Sat 23-Jan-16 22:00:36

I'm sorry for you situation, I have no experience or advice but I'm sure you're doing the right thing thanks

Custard314 Sat 23-Jan-16 22:02:46

Do it. If you dont report it then legally it never happend. [Brew]

positivo Sat 23-Jan-16 22:13:38

I'm going to bed and go through my diary stuff and write down the unemotional stuff so I have a calm list.

I will do this, you're right - If I don't he'll accuse me and then it will be worse, he's already threatened.

Thank you all. I'll try to keep you posted. xx

tbtc20 Sat 23-Jan-16 22:23:06

I didn't go to the station, I called them thinking I was just logging the incident, which would strengthen my case if I need to get an occupation order.
They came to the house 3hrs later which I hadn't realised they would do.

I was terrified my husband would know they were at the door but he was out the back.

In hindsight I wish I had gone to the station in a more calm state of mind, but I don't regret what I did. I feel safer knowing I'm on their books.

Definitely take a trusted friend, she will be able to hold your hand and also help you take on board what they say to you.

They are trained to deal with vulnerable people so don't feel you need to put on a brave face, just tell them the truth.

Women's aid are being fabulous with me, I am being assigned an outreach worker from a local group to help me through this period.

Namechanger4321 Sun 24-Jan-16 00:01:22

I don't really have any advice, but fwiw, this is my experience of reporting DV. What made me report the incident I did was that I was talking to my DD on Skype (he didn't realise it was on) and I had to show her this was unacceptable. I was really scared it would make things worse, as I was in the process of leaving anyway. So I went to the police station and reported it - basically what I hoped would happen is that they would record it and be aware in case I needed them to come quickly, but not do anything that might make it worse.
I told them that, and the officer I reported it to said that now I'd reported it, it was a potential crime that the DV specialists would decide whether or not to investigate i.e speak to my now exDP. It wasn't up to me whether or not they went to speak to him about it or not, I was just a witness to a crime. I asked if there was anything I could do to stop them speaking to him, and he asked me if I wanted to withdraw my statement. I didn't, because it was true. He asked if there were witnesses and I said my DD, but he said she wouldn't be 'any use as a witness' because of her age. He was kind, and he did appear to believe me. And they didn't then do anything - I never heard from them after that. If they did speak to him, he kept it very quiet.
I suppose what I'm saying is, you might not be able to control what happens next. Where I live, just 'logging an incident' isn't a thing. You are reporting a crime, and what happens next is up to them, not you.

goddessofsmallthings Sun 24-Jan-16 00:09:37

My counsellor, close friends and my solicitor have all advised that I need to talk to the police as his behaviour is simply at unacceptable levels.

It seems that a lot of people are concerned for your welfare, and that of your dd, and a more here will be too if you don't act on their advice and keep your appointment with the police.

Make your name your mantra and be 'positivo' each and every day!

flowers Good luck and here's a wine to be enjoyed after your trip to the police station.

Strangeoccurence Sun 24-Jan-16 00:10:53

You are definately doing the right thing

Take your friend with you. It will be difficult, but as you say it woll also be difficult not doing it. At least this way you are gaining extra support! They can and will help you.
You sound very strong and you are being very brave. Good luck flowers

positivo Sun 24-Jan-16 16:55:02

THANK YOU for all your lovely words of support. Two hours done at the station. I took a friend. The officer was brilliant. I had written down a timeline of abusive behaviour which helped keep things clear.

This is a record - it's not being reported as a crime. Safeguarding then contact me and social services are made aware (because of the kids) but EVERYTHING IS kept CONFIDENTIAL. Did you know that if an argument breaks out and things get really nasty (as they frequently do ) you can call 999 and as my number is registered and flagged now as a domestic abuse situation the police will attend v fast, as he is committing a 'breach of the peace' and they can take him away to cool down. I was told that I was doing the right thing, that in fact it's good to see people like me so they can help as we are the silent sufferers that they rarely get a chance to help.

I'm now completely drained but feeling a bit more constructive. xx

Doublebubblebubble Sun 24-Jan-16 17:04:41

Well done xx brew and now you can, somewhat, relax. I hope nothing else happens to you but if it does you know exactly what to do and what will happen xx

goddessofsmallthings Sun 24-Jan-16 17:39:14

Many victims of domestic abuse are still being failed by the police and it's encouraging to know that your case is being treated with the sensitivity it deserves.

May I ask whether the officer you met with today is attached to your regiional police authority's Domestic Violence Unit and have you been you been, or will you be, allocated an officer who is dedicated to handle your case (as well as those of many others)?

It goes without saying that anyone who feels threatened or intimidated by an abusive spouse or partner should not hesitate to call 999 and it's to be hoped that all police forces give priority to phone numbers/addresses of those who are known to be victims of dv.

Well done you!! Have a lovely lazy evening and keep being 'positivo' grin

positivo Mon 25-Jan-16 21:31:46

Today has been really weird because by admitting what's happening officially has made it very frightening. I hadn't realised quite how much denial I'd been in tbh. Right now he's casually chatting on the phone to his latest squeeze friend. He knows damn well I can hear him and I recognise the 'we're shagging' voice - I shouldn't care but I am really pissed off.

goddessofsmallthings Mon 25-Jan-16 21:37:19

Hug your secret knowledge to yourself and realise that all he's doing is making another noose to hang himself with.

How long do you think it will before he's out of your life?

VoldysGoneMouldy Mon 25-Jan-16 21:37:30

Well done for doing this. Stay calm, and I really hope you can get out soon.

tbtc20 Mon 25-Jan-16 21:41:25

It is frightening. I have felt very exposed and vulnerable since I have started to speak to people about the abuse. I spent years explaining it away with "unconventional marriage" or "ups and downs", or just plain denial (self preservation, fear??) and to now accept it and face it and describe it to people...well it's a big step.

I hear myself, or read back over my copious daily notes and it's like someone else's life.

I am also grieving for the loss of the family life I dreamed about and that's hard.

positivo Mon 25-Jan-16 21:45:20

No go until the house is sold sad He refuses to leave. Why should he 'give up all his home comforts' WE have two fab kids between us but he doesn't realise how much damage he's doing to them. I took DD (16) to dr's today because she's now have suicidal thoughts. DS (13) wanted to stay at home so I let him and he had a duvet day (luckily most of my work is from home) Thankfully I have a great relationship with both kids so hopefully we can works things out but they are sooo conflicted - tonight he shone his beam of love brightly on them and they couldn't help but bask in its glow because it is wonderful when you are the one its shining on, it blinded me for a long time. Now I sound like an old cynic, I hate the way it's turned me into some twisted paranoid wreck too. I just have to keep breathing and believe one day it will be much better. Its what I keep teling the kids...

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