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DH has really really hurt me...what do I do??

(71 Posts)
lincolnshirelassy Fri 22-Jan-16 23:59:09

....not physically but emotionally. Another battle with Dd115 over bed time, she was stroppy and tired and overreacted, DH makes an unhelpful comment, not unusual, though Dd is very provocative with her teen attitude, when she has gone to bed I take him up on it and say I feel stuck in the middle with the two of them a lot, he gets quire argumentative so I decide to walk off and as a parting shot he says it is obvious I only care about dd1, not him, not dd2 and not ds. This really stings, particularly as I have stuck with him and supported him through depression, losing all his money and going into an IVA (something he kept secret from me) which means we can't remortgage etc, but when I point i out I am 'dragging things up again'.

Feel really miserable and don't know what to do sad he's drunk a bottle of wine so is obviously a bit drunk, that's not OK and makes me upset that he is lashing out at me.

As a bit of background Dd1 lost her boyfriend two months ago (to the day actually) to suicide so she has had more attention from me and some leeway in behaviour. DH seems to struggle to accept this, though in no way do I think I have neglected the rest of the family, I am just trying to get it right. He's her stepdad btw.

What do I do? I love my husband but feel so very hurt sad

AnchorDownDeepBreath Sat 23-Jan-16 00:01:12

Are your other children his?

If its been two months since DD1 lost her boyfriend to suicide, at a tough age anyway, I think some leeway is to be expected.

AnotherEmma Sat 23-Jan-16 00:01:20

He is a being a prize dickhead. Your DD recently lost her boyfriend to suicide and he is complaining that you're giving her too much attention?! I would have nothing but rage and contempt for that kind of attitude.

lincolnshirelassy Sat 23-Jan-16 00:04:29

Anchor both dd's are from my first marriage, ds is his.

I feel he is being a twat and I feel so stuck in the middle.

AnotherEmma Sat 23-Jan-16 00:05:33

Oh and to answer your question about what to do... That kind of depends on the rest of his behaviour. Hiding/lying about debt isn't a particularly good sign. So that's two strikes against him. What else?

lincolnshirelassy Sat 23-Jan-16 00:06:27

Another I know. Nothing else....that I know off sad

lincolnshirelassy Sat 23-Jan-16 00:06:40

*of

Topseyt Sat 23-Jan-16 00:10:03

He sounds like an arse who wants to be centre of attention and throws a strop when he isn't.

lincolnshirelassy Sat 23-Jan-16 00:10:24

To put in context, he is a good dad, does his share, loves the kids and is respectful and kind to me. But this battle over dd1, it seems he is jealous of the attention she gets, and vice versa, and they are both driving me mad, I feel torn in two sad

He was arsey today as she didn't thank him for some shopping money he gave her until I reminded her, OK that was rude and she should have done, but was it worth making a big issue of??

Pipestheghost Sat 23-Jan-16 00:11:39

He is being a twat. Your dd is at a very impressionable age to cope alone with such a traumatic experience. Also, keeping the severity of the debt from you. He sounds a liability and a hindrance to you.

AnotherEmma Sat 23-Jan-16 00:13:00

I find it hard to believe those are literally the only two things he's done to upset you?

TurnOffTheTv Sat 23-Jan-16 00:13:15

What is the problem with bedtime? It's Friday night and she's 15, is he wanting her to go to sleep?

goddessofsmallthings Sat 23-Jan-16 00:13:16

Your dc's needs come before those of your adult h.

It's not only understandable, it's essential that you pay extra attention to dd1 at the moment.

It's particulary worrying when friends of young dc take their own lives as it presents the horrifying possibility of them doing the same and if your h can't understand that your dd needs especially tender loving care and support at this time, I would suggest you tell him to take his insensitive arse and park it elsewhere.

[flowers With sincere condolences to the family of the young man concerned.

AnotherEmma Sat 23-Jan-16 00:14:44

How long have you been together? If it's been several years you would have thought he'd have paternal feelings towards her and would therefore care about her and want you to give her love and attention...

lincolnshirelassy Sat 23-Jan-16 00:15:07

But what do I do????!!!

Ds and dd2 love him, and he is a great dad. I love him but I want this to change for all our sakes.

He feels dd1 hates him. But I get the same level of nastiness from here. As does her real dad!

AnotherEmma Sat 23-Jan-16 00:15:43

He is being really fucking childish and selfish.

GiddyOnZackHunt Sat 23-Jan-16 00:16:20

So basically he's a bit of a man child having a drunk 'me me me' strop?

AnotherEmma Sat 23-Jan-16 00:17:43

Surely that's just what 15 year-olds do, they act up with their parents? In a way it's a compliment that she treats him the same way she treats you and her dad.

What can you DO - well you could try couple's or family therapy? Probably couple's therapy first and family therapy if necessary - but might not be if couple's therapy works.

lincolnshirelassy Sat 23-Jan-16 00:18:45

We've been together 11 years.

Yes, my biggest fear was dd following suit and so I have been very protective.

Problem with bedtime was just that it was 11.30, she was falling asleep on the sofa so I said she needed to go to bed, she was tired and stroppy and we got some language and a slammed door,nothing very major.

GiddyOnZackHunt Sat 23-Jan-16 00:19:57

hang on. Your ds's boyfriend killed himself 56 days ago and you're on her case about bedtimes? Has she had any help to deal with that? confused

GiddyOnZackHunt Sat 23-Jan-16 00:20:39

DD. Sorry.

lincolnshirelassy Sat 23-Jan-16 00:23:38

Yes giddy she has excellent counselling in place.

I am not 'on her case' about bedtimes! She was falling asleep on the sofa, I said she needed to get up to bed or she would feel dreadful, and offered to help her.

She needs her sleep! She'll feel worse if she doesn't sleep, and it was 11.30.

ThumbWitchesAbroad Sat 23-Jan-16 00:23:55

She's 15 - she hates everyone at times, I'm sure! I know I did. Your H is being very foolish to take it personally and assume that she'll always be that way, she'll grow out of it.

Perhaps he feels she should have "got over" her BF's suicide by now? Because if there's any element of that then he needs to sort his head out too - it can take ages to "get over" something like that (and you never really do, it changes you forever) - of course you need to be a bit careful with her just now! Has she had any support from the school, any counselling of any kind? I think maybe she should, if she hasn't already.

But your DH - well he needs to be the grown up here and understand that special circumstances are at play here and he should back the fuck off with his attitude and maybe try to empathise a bit more.

ThumbWitchesAbroad Sat 23-Jan-16 00:24:26

Sorry, xpost re. counselling.

BlackEyedPeas Sat 23-Jan-16 00:24:30

by the way since when 15 yr old kids have boyfriends?

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