I'm trying to recover from a lifetime of being badly treated by the significant people in my life.
I'll try to give the briefest background. My mother was very cruel, always made it clear she regretted adopting me and my sister, actually frequently saying "I wish I'd never had you.". She was never kind or nurturing, called us "shitbags" and was heavy handed to say the least.
My Dad was more loving, but was quick tempered. All my childhood I was afraid of both parents.
My first marriage (15 yrs long) was abusive. Ex drank, did drugs, didn't work, had no time for me and left me to do everything. Being who I was I put so much effort into trying to make the unworkable work.
My second marriage (20 yrs long) was worse. Charming and handsome, STBXH was cruel, controlling, violent, unfaithful and more.
So here I am, alone now, for the last year. I enjoy my life. I have a good relationship with my children, all adults. Like my job and home. But inside, there's so much damage been done.
I feel, essentially Wrong. Like I've been made wrong, I'm only here at all, on Earth, through some oversight. Most people wouldn't realise I feel this, I think, but there are those few who "see" it and home in on it. My default position is to think I'm doing something wrong, either I should be doing something else, or doing it differently. Whatever it is, cleaning the home, driving, work. Anything. It's a heavy burden. And it's ridiculous, realistically I'm as competent as the next person. I have strengths and weaknesses. But that's not what I feel. I feel wrong, faulty, out of place. As if I have to prove my worthiness. Which I did have to do, all through my childhood and marriage no. 2.
Now I do lots to nurture myself, but I think the damage is so great I'll always be that terrified, unloved little girl, inside.
How do I recover from over 50 years of the significant people in my life telling me I'm useless, worthless, regrettable, unlovable, bad, wrong. Is it possible?
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The Wrongness of me. Overcoming a lifetime of abuse. Is it possible?
13 replies
aLeafFa11s · 21/01/2016 11:02
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