Living with mother - could you?

[freshcruch]

I am sitting in my bedroom to avoid making idle chat. She drives me nuts. I am an adult btw. I am sick of hearing about why hanging should be brought back or how badly foreign people smell.

[Offred]

If I had to I could but it would drive me insane.

Is there no chance you could move out?

I would rather live on sofas and in crappy bedsits with heroin addicts as I did as a teen than live with my mother TBH.

[tigermoll]

Could I live with my mother? Nope. And by the sounds of it, I couldn't live with yours either.

There's no point ( as I'm sure you've found out) with such nasty views. How quickly can you move out, and how can we help make that day come sooner for you?

[freshcruch]

Moving out is not an option. It's my house. She is elderly, has a mild learning difficulty ( which doesn't stop her being fairly nasty at times).

I have done my share of living in temporary accommodation, but I have kids, so not an option.

[GlasgowPingu]

I could but I'm lucky in that we get on pretty well - we stayed with my parents for a couple of weeks last year as we'd just bought a house that needed a lot of work.

Would agree with offred - any chance at all you could move out?

[freshcruch]

I am also her carer. Without help she would live on biscuits. She also has a medical problem in that she feels no thirst, she has chronic kidney damage as a result, and I have to fetch her water every few hours to make sure she is hydrated.

[freshcruch]

ararfamaft, it's permanent unfortunately.

[Micah]

Have you looked at a nursing or residential home? Is that a possibility?

Try Age concern, they're very helpful with arranging care for the elderly, they might get you a break, or help with sorting a better arrangement for you both.

[LobsterQuadrille]

I've had the conversation with mine (whom I get on with and love but, like yours, she has "different" views from mine). She is 86 and very active and my father is 91 and a bit less active. I could live with her IF we had our own space - more like a granny annex type set up, ideally with our own front doors.

Is there any chance at all of moving so that you each have more of your own space, just sharing a kitchen and bathroom - or is that not an option?

[freshcruch]

Thanks Micah. I have raised the issue if sheltered housing, but found her with a packed carrier bag crying at the bottom of the garden. She is very emotionally dependant, behaves and acts like a 5 year old in many ways.

[Morganly]

Can you reconfigure the house so that you can have two separate living rooms so that you can escape other than sitting in your bedroom sometimes?

[Artandco]

Can you make her a small 'living room area' in her room?
So she might want to be in there a little more to give you all some space. Not completely banning her but it sounds like even an extra hour or so a day would help you all.

Add a small comfy chair, side table, some snacks, pile of books/ or whatever she likes. Make sure she has a tv in there if she watches. You can say it's so she can get some nice quiet space away from the kids ( rather than you!)

[Micah]

With my gran we sorted out the sheltered housing, nice flat, near friends, shops etc.

Took her round and presented it as look at this lovely place that the council has found for you, get your independence back, you can go see friends, the hairdresser comes in every week, it's close to so you can come visit any time.

[Offred]

If she is needing care and you are not capable (emotionally or physically) of providing her with the care she needs then surely the answer is to make a decision to find her more suitable accommodation and support her emotionally to deal with that transition?

How would you fee about that?

Adult children of elderly or frail parents often feel it is their duty to care for them but it is often much more appropriate for them to have specialist carers who are not emotionally affected in the same way by the care burden IMO.

[freshcruch]

Thanks guys. She has a large bedroom with a sofa and TV, but she loves company. She follows us around to make conversation. Part of me feels desperately sorry for her as she is so child like, but it's just so wearing having her around all the time.

Sorry for the moan.

[Offred]

Don't be sorry.

Caring work is very difficult.

[maybebabybee]

Oh god that sounds so hard OP. Don't have any advice but just wanted to offer

[HooseRice]

Can you get occasional respite care to give you a break? Treat it as a holiday for her.

[freshcruch]

Thanks offred.

There is a lot of emotion tied up here too. My only sibling emigrated when I was 11, and my mother had a nervous breakdown, she was ill for 4 or 5 years, during which my father became terminally ill and later died. So much of my teenage years were concerned with feeling responsible for my mother.

[Artandco]

Hmm. Can you find some day groups for her? Many will collect elderly and take out for the day to socialise. Even if 10am-3pm or something it might mean she is fully socialised out some evenings and not so lonely, so might not follow you around so much or might go to her room a bit earlier as worn out from days activities.

My grandmother goes to some. She is older than my grandfather (70 and 82), so it gives him a break also. As then he knows he can go out or just relax a few hours without her needing him. As an idea I think she does 10-4pm 2 days a week. She gets lunch there and snacks etc, and they do board games, singing, knitting sessions, craft like drawing or watercolours, plus day trips out sometimes to places like local beaches, or small theatres etc.

[freshcruch]

Artandco that sounds good, would the social work department help me find groups like that?

[Offred]

It's OK to be responsible for her by looking at other people providing her day to day care IYSWIM?

You don't have to do it personally, and it may be better for everyone if you stop.

Her care needs are separate from her need for a relationship with you, taking a more appropriate role - that of an adult daughter, rather than her nurse etc may help rather than hurt.

[Offred]

Yes, you can ask adult social services to do an assessment of her care needs and then what things are appropriate and available to help.

[Samantha28]

Lots of churches run groups like that. I'd ask around the ones in your area .

BTW they don't give a stuff if your mother has any faith or none , it's just a social event . Although they might have Carol singing at Christmas etc

[Owllady]

Age uk I think. Have you been in touch with them? I think sometimes you will require a social work assessment but places like age uk or carers UK can help you navigate it all
It sounds very hard