Should I stay for the kids?

[Sewingfever99]

Hi we've been together 15 years and have two kids 10 & 12. Things were never right when first child came and he was not really interested in kids and never helped me. He believes he earns the money and I stay at home. He's been stressed alot during the years I've been with him and I've had to walk on egg shells for years, with his moods and tempers. We lived in SW but he's from NE. After a bad business deal I agreed we would leave and be with his family in NE (hoping things would change, after he made promises about spending more time with us etc). Long story short, 3 years on I am terribly homesick and miss my family, his mum has not really made any effort with me or kids only interested in her son and I'm thinking about divorce which he knows, and is trying to put fear of God into me about how little money we would have and worst of all I feel guilty to leave because kids are reasonably happy in school and it would mean 350 miles for my husband to travel to see them and i think he's being saying things to my eldest about "not leaving dad". He's suddenly making an effort with them as well! I don't speak to his mum now either. I hate it up here I feel lonely and depressed. Am I being selfish!

[Sewingfever99]

Hello out there!

[ravenmum]

Would it help if you split up but did not move so far away?

[sleepinginmycar]

I am you OP!
My STBX is playing the same game because he's only bothered about the money issue.
He' also turned into superdad but was never really interested in them when they were younger.
I have dithered over this for too long, should have left years ago TBH but didn't want to hurt the DCs so stayed but very unhappy.
I have a thread going about this and I am getting lots of advice and support from MNers.
Keep posting as you will get that support too.

[category12]

I'd try to move back.

Your dc probably still have friends and memories of your old area. You would be happier and supported, and it's not fair that you should have to stick it out when you gave it a good try and moved in good faith, hoping for better and believing him.

You'll probably get people telling you you shouldn't, and he might try to stop you legally, but it's worth a shot. Do it sooner rather than later, to avoid gcses and all that.

[Sewingfever99]

Hi. Thanks for such quick replies and support. Thanks "sleepinginmycar". I'm like you wish I left years ago when kids were younger but always so scared! I feel stronger now but oh so guilty. He's more worried about telling everyone he's "divorced". He's chipped away at my heart and its closed now. I am full of anger and resentment and its eating away at me and making me really ill! I feel emotionally drained and sooo sad. I realise how STUPID I was to move here ! When I mentioned leaving he said he would try everything to try and make kids not want to leave. So how do you deal with a child who now says he would stay with dad instead of me when I know he's been influencing him.

[Morganly]

There are two separate issues here.

Firstly, leaving the marriage is a good plan.

Secondly, moving back down South is more problematic.

You can do the first without the second. You can stay in the locale for the children but not stay in the marriage for the children.

[bb888]

This definitely doesn't sound like a good relationship to be in, especially as he is clearly willing to involve the children in things that they shouldn't have to know about. Whether to move or not seems a little more problematic, but It doesn't seem that staying in this relationship is necessarily the best thing for your children.

[AnyFucker]

If you carry on doing what you are doing, you will carry getting what you have been getting

Which sounds shit. For you and for your kids.

[mum2mum99]

Not an easy one, but then divorcing is difficult.
I don't think you will ever regret it.
Don't wait until you become so depressed than you don't even have the strength to see it through. It will be worth it.
If you move you can get the kids involved in new activities during the summer in their new area. They can make friends and the prospect of moving would be easier for them.
I am sure you could also pick an area very close to where you are so the kids can maintain their friendships and contact with their dad if he is interested.

[ravenmum]

Many years ago my mother was persuaded to move back to the other side of the country where her family lived. It had its advantages, but the big disadvantage for me was not being able to see my dad. Today she says that she probably shouldn't have done it. It's a big step to take, and one you should really consider carefully, including the idea that you might have to put your own interests behind those of your children. I've made the decision to stay in another country after separation so that the kids can have a relationship with their dad - I've stayed here long enough to have got used to the place, but it is still hard to separate without support. I miss my family, but my own background means I feel good that the kids have their dad nearby.

Staying in a marriage for the sake of the kids is something different, though. Spending every day with a distant parent who might get in a rage is really horrible for children.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

Do not stay in this marriage for these children; doing that will simply teach them that a loveless and emotionally abusive marriage is their norm too.

Seek legal advice asap as to your legal position.