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What is you DC relationship with your DP (not their father) like?

(2 Posts)
4ChucksnaTomatoPlant Sun 17-Jan-16 16:00:24

I know what I am talking about here is one of those things that you have to wait and see how it goes...but I just wondered how other people have found mixing their DC and their DP, who is not their father...?

Background...
DD is 4 1/2. Me and her dad split when she was 18 months. Although he was a moody, controlling, manipulative twerp from the minute I discovered I was pregnant, the ex and I now have a reasonably amicable relationship and co-parent her well. He has her two nights a week and since the split, their relationship has been brilliant. He sees her much more than we were together and she loves her dad.

I have now been with BF for 18 months. I tried to do everything right and slowly. I didn't introduce him to DD until six months ago until I was absolutely certain there was a future.

We did it really gradually with her. Incidental meetings at first, followed by lunch and tea, followed by days out etc. He didn't stay the night when she was home until just before Christmas and last weekend, the three of us had a weekend away with friends. He now does things like comes over and has tea with us and spends the odd evening at home. Not loads, maybe once a week, because of work schedules.

DP and I would love to move in together, we'd love to have another child in a couple of years. But I want to wait until they know each other better before we live with him. Also, she starts school this year and I don't want to disrupt her life by moving house too near to September either after or before (we'd always stay in this area so no question of her moving school).

The thing is...I don't want to do anything she isn't going to be happy with and I don't know how to gage how she actually feels about him. He is great with her, and they have fun. When he is here, she wants to play with him and talks to him laughs at him. But when he isn't here, she never speaks of him unless I have brought him up in conversation. She never seems as excited that he is coming somewhere with us as she does if it is another friend or a relative.

I really want it to come naturally and not to push it. Sometimes I wonder whether we actually try too hard not to push it and it all feels unnatural to her. I don't know.

Ex hates the idea of another man in her life and we have had several heated discussions about DP spending time with her at all. There is always the possibility he says derogatory things to her about DP as well.

I'd be interested to hear what other people's experiences are...did your kids gradually warm to your DP, was it before or after moving in? Do kids never really warm to new partners? Do you think children that young will be at all sensitive to the politics of it and possibly feel disloyal, even if they don't ever remembder you living with their father?

Thanks in advance

rosewithoutthorns Sun 17-Jan-16 16:10:25

You're daughter is very young. At this age they adapt extremely well. Your DP sounds fab, so do you.

I'd not over think things and go with the flow.

You're ex is the prick that you left, he will always be a prick. You can't stop your life due to this.

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