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is this weird... opinions please. PIL related.

(21 Posts)
PonyoLovesHam Sat 16-Jan-16 20:55:55

I've posted about PIL before, bit of background - from reading other mn threads I think they are somewhat toxic, mil in particular. Fil is more of a doormat to her and does what he's told basically. She is controlling and because they live quite far away dp basically tolerates their visits then we don't have to see them again for a while. He does recognise the controlling behaviour, they have recently offered to give us a considerable sum of money but he's now refusing it as he knows it will come wth conditions.

Anyway! Point of posting- dp and I are getting married this year. PIL have always said they don't agree with marriage, they wouldn't have done it but felt pressured by their families. Let them know about the wedding when it was booked, no reaction to this or to receiving the invite in the post (dp rang to check they'd got it). No congrats etc. Tried to talk to them about it once and mil looked miserable and changed subject.

So yesterday dp is on the phone to fil and said 'we are probably going to get wedding rings this weekend "
Fil "oh right. Mil and I are getting new wedding rings, mil is getting rid of hers and we're going to get new ones. Not proper wedding rings though' dp then said fil made it sound like they are getting 'anti-wedding' rings.

Fwiw - fil currently doesn't wear a wedding ring. Mil does. Now they're getting rid of hers and getting new ones.
We're are getting married in less than 3 months (very small, family only less than 18 people wedding). Is this a bit odd?

So as not to drip feed; dp is feeling weird about this as am I. He's said maybe the only explanation could be that they're selling f hers to buy is ours. But this is unlikely hmmconfused

abbsismyhero Sat 16-Jan-16 21:05:08

not really weird my ex inlaws bought loads of rings when i married their son they got new rings when their other son bought a new one they had to get a new one too then because of my gold allergy (which to be fair usually goes away after a month of wearing gold constantly) we bought some titanium ones off ebay miraculously they needed new ones again

perhaps its just wearing out?

perhaps my ex inlaws are the weird ones grin

WipsGlitter Sat 16-Jan-16 21:08:08

Not really. They're just not into weddings. It's not really any of your business if they want to change their rings.

SpongeBobJudgeyPants Sat 16-Jan-16 21:10:27

A bit odd maybe... is it likely they are jealous of the attention you will get over the wedding and trying to make it more about them iuswim?

Ohfourfoxache Sat 16-Jan-16 21:10:44

Sounds a bit odd, but I think you should put it out of your mind tbh. There is no point in wasting the time and energy required to think about it wink

AttilaTheMeerkat Sat 16-Jan-16 21:22:02

You are both right to feel weird about this.

Why did he (feel the need to)phone them at all given their lack of interest generally; does he at heart think that they will somehow change?. Is he still looking for their approval, approval btw that they will not give him.

Your fiancé here is key; does he want to maintain a relationship with his parents or would he prefer to make less contact with them?.

They may well be anti wedding but they are still together and likely get their needs met from their relationship.

They do not sound like nice people to be at all around; she is in charge here and her H is her enabler.

Is it really the case that your man maintains contact with them simply and only because they are his parents?. He is indeed wise not to take any money from them; it would certainly be loaded with obligation.

PonyoLovesHam Sat 16-Jan-16 21:29:46

Ok, mixed responses, maybe aibu (a bit). 

Abbs I suppose it would be normal if they were always buying new rings/jewellery, but they're not and never have, mil has always had her ring and fil has never had one. Interesting though! 

Wips fair enough. 

Spongebob yes I think mil will want to make it about them, I can imagine her showing people at the wedding her new anti wedding ring "because they don't agree with marriage" 

Ohfour you are completely, absolutely right. I find it so hard to do though! Annoyingly, mil can really wind me up with her lies and controlling behaviour and I find it so hard to ignore. Any advice welcome! 

Atilla he rang them to let them know about dds birthday which is coming up soon. I do t think he'd admit it but he does seek their approval still, he is slightly different around them and very stressy before they visit. 
I think he's ok with the relationship how it is. They live far away, don't have regular contact so it's a case of grin and bear it when they do visit/we go there. Then it's over and he can relax again, ie not worry about upsetting his mum (by challenging her).  
You're spot on btw. Fil is mil's enabler and no they're not nice to be around. Good insight. 

abbsismyhero Sat 16-Jan-16 21:45:57

with my ex inlaws it genuinely is all about them they can't bear not to have the newest well anything really i bought ex dh a second hand console (all i could afford) they bought a new one we got two tone rings they bought two tone rings and wore them before/too our wedding when i was allergic and bought titanium they had to do the same

so i told them we were getting personalised ones they did the same and we did not! grin still at least we had different rings grin

are they even coming to your wedding?

personally i would only discuss it with people who are wedding happy

0dfod Sat 16-Jan-16 21:47:49

I hope that should they come to your wedding then they can behave themselves. The mil is very likely to act out and do her best to make your day about her.

PonyoLovesHam Sat 16-Jan-16 22:11:16

Abbs Hm interesting! I love how you tricked them with the personalised rings! 😂 deffo not that they always want the newest thing. Mil likes to make a big song and dance about how they aren't materialistic, whilst simultaneously buying a new telly just because. Very contradictory tbh. As far as we know they are coming to the wedding, there is a bit of drama with sil (who is lovely) so they may not because of this, but I doubt it. 

Odfod yes I can imagine it becoming about her. The thing is, because it's a small wedding there won't actually be anyone there for her to project to, if that makes sense. It'll be all dp's immediate family, or mine who won't entertain it. We'll see I suppose. 

Marilynsbigsister Sun 17-Jan-16 09:05:54

I may be way off course here, but do you think PIL 'anti wedding' stance is because they don't want their DH to be legally tied to anyone but them. ? They sound weird tbh, but you mentioned in your OP that they had offered a large sum of money (which you have turned down because of the strings that will be attached).. So they are obviously well off. With this in mind, if they were to die, your PIL money would go to their son and any of his siblings, but once you are married, it becomes your 'marital asset' as does anything owned or inherited by you both individually. Also, whilst unmarried, your OH Ma & Pa are his next of kin, not you. That changes when you are married to him. For someone with controlling behaviour, losing your 'legal' status and being bumped by your daughter in law, will be a bitter pill to swallow.

No one in their right mind would be in a long term relationship with children without being married, so I would take that nonsense from your PIL as disingenuous bullshit. They are simply trying to 'persuade' you out of it so that he is not legally tied. Good for your OH and stbh for ignoring the nasty manipulative behaviour.

diddl Sun 17-Jan-16 09:24:45

Isn't inheritance one thing that doesn't legally become a spouse's?

Of course, OP could benefit from an inheritance if not married if a partner chose to share it with her.

It all sounds a little childish attention seeking to me tbh.

Not doing any harm in this case, though!

0dfod Sun 17-Jan-16 11:33:55

Op, make sure that those that will be present at your wedding are aware that mil is likely to act up. They will be able to support you and soon to be e.g. better if they are aware.

That is an interesting point re nok and legal status Marilyn

Marilynsbigsister Sun 17-Jan-16 12:54:15

Inheritance absolutely does go into the marital pot Diddl. It is one of the reasons that divorce is so prevalent amongst the 'empty nesters' . Many people hang on in awful relationships knowing that there is a fat inheritance on its way, knowing that it will allow them to divorce and afford two separate homes and an altogether better deal. It is also the reason why one spouse sometimes decides to beat a hasty exit from the marriage when a parent is poorly, to deny the spouse a share. - people can be real shits when it comes to money !.

Of course the OP's other half could choose to share money, but the post was about the PIL behaviour. There can be no other reason to try and persuade a couple with a child that they '*don't agree with marriage, they wouldn't have done it but felt pressured by their families*'.
Parents and parents in law should have the children's best interests at the heart of their interaction with their children. There is nothing more black and white than the legal/social/emotional advantage of marriage over living together for a woman with a child. Therefore, to wish otherwise, is to clearly wish to act against your (Dil) best interests.

I think your PIL have an agenda, and I think it is that they do not wish any of their assets to pass to you - something that cannot be avoided if you marry, without them dis inheriting your OH... Believe me, I know about this. My grandparents considered my father (their son in law) from too 'lower class to be able to handle the responsibility of money' .. And of course, my mother was female, so left her out of the will and gave everything to my uncle. My mother had to take him (uncle) to court, to get the will overturned! (The irony was, they actually really liked my dad, just class prejudice about money) ...

Ohfourfoxache Sun 17-Jan-16 14:16:31

No advice other than breathe, I'm afraid!

Unfortunately my PILs are also a pain in the arse in a different way. Although when we got engaged MIL specifically dug out her engagement ring and squeezed it on "because I've done this (I.e. got engaged - to FIL) before" confused hmm

I had a bit of a WTAF moment grin

PonyoLovesHam Sun 17-Jan-16 16:18:21

Marilyn that's interesting. And possibly a good point. Funnily enough they were talking about their wills when we saw them last, they have a strange (imho) thing wrt their wills, they have them, but not specified who is having what. Dp knows that his brother is selfish and 'grabby' - bil has made comments before about how much he does for PIL and how dp doesn't do anything, so dp is pretty sure bil will be out for what he can get when the time comes. However dp tried to mention this - not because he wants a lot, more to avoid headache with bil and because their sister would never say anything - but PIL brushed it off and laughed saying they know nothing like that will happen. Dp can't keep on about it because it makes him sound grabby! It's just a strange, naive attitude they have toward the whole thing. 
And as someone who's dad died without a will, I've witnessed first hand who nasty people can get over money and belongings. 

Back to the point - Marilyn thanks for your words. I agree that it makes complete sense for us to be married! Shocking about your father and his in laws attitudes. 
I had no idea about the inheritance and empty nesters - makes sense thinking about it, quite sad in a way. 

Diddl childish attention seeking sums it up! 😄 

Odfod yes that is covered, I have spoken to my mum and my sister so they are aware. It's a really small wedding so otherwise it's just dp's family there. My mums main reaction is "oh for gods sake!" when I update her about mil's behaviour 😁

Ohfour 😳 at your mil. Good advice, I do need to breathe, relax and try not to let it bother me... 

Dp hasn't spoken to PIL yet but is going to, maybe on the phone. Maybe when they visit for dd's birthday next month. Their usual tactic is to deny, then come out with a version of the truth sometime later when they've had a chance to discuss it together so we'll see. 

rosewithoutthorns Sun 17-Jan-16 19:38:25

Other strokes for other folks.

The important thing is, do you both love each other and want to get married? If so, do so.

Stop making the previous generation such a problem.

PonyoLovesHam Sun 17-Jan-16 19:47:59

I don't really think we're making them a problem rose, they're doing it themselves! It's not just this, it's a long history of toxic behaviour and this is most recent example. Am trying to figure it out so I can anticipate any problems on the actual wedding day, I can honestly imagine mil making it all about her, she has form and has done similar at dd's 3rd birthday party hmm

We do love it other and want to get married, yes. I can't wait to be married, it's the actual wedding I'm not the keen on hence having such a small do.

Soooosie Sun 17-Jan-16 20:03:43

I assumed they didn't fully enjoy their own wedding because they felt cornered into it and buying new rings is a way of reaffirming their love/commitment again. You buying rings possibly gave them the idea. They may feel abit jealous of any wedding (not just yours) as it might highlight the disappointment in her own wedding day.

Soooosie Sun 17-Jan-16 20:04:38

So yes they are pretending to be anti wedding, however it's a cover up to try and ease the way she feels about her wedding day.

PonyoLovesHam Mon 18-Jan-16 17:39:28

Soooosie you may well have a point. She does still talk about the pressure they felt on their wedding day quite bitterly.

I think dp just needs to say to them we don't want them saying on the day how they don't agree with marriage, no negativity really.

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