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Stomach in knots again. No more men in my life ever ?

(24 Posts)
KurriKurri Fri 15-Jan-16 00:25:28

I'm 56, divorced last year after a long marriage. XH cheated and was a generally controlling arse (whole other story)

So I've been getting stronger, accepted I'll probably always have some trust issues, would never leap into a serious relationship. But I was starting to consider online dating, - I'd like some nice male companionship, I;d like some sex frankly - it's been two years.

Then XH does one of his total idiot rants again (for financial reasons we are still sharing the house -but live in separate parts of it and have little contact), it was about nothing as usual (it was about my "wastage" of carrots in fact - and involved him yelling abuse at my daughter and me, slamming doors, holding them shut so people couldn't get in and out, putting his hands right up to people's faces and being generally aggro. Same old same old. He's never actually physically violent, but he tries to be intimidating)

Then a hour later he comes creeping to me all 'reasonable and 'lets discuss carrots sensibly' (yes I know it's fucking laughable but this is the level of his scrambled head state). I was polite and said I was really not keen on discussing anything with him, we are divorced now, I employed a lawyer in order to avoid stupid arguments. Since then the house has been full of the stench of burning martyr and banging of doors from him.

Sorry this is long and rambling - I'm looking at flats to rent - it will be a struggle but worth it. But my main point is can I possibly ever stand being with another man again - I don't know if I can - I cannot bear this petty squabbling, this weird intimidation, the invasion of my space. But I don't want to be a lonely old woman, I'd like to feel love or at least fondness for someone again. I've never had a relationship with a man who was kind, I seem to have always made bad choices, even before XH.

My head is so screwed, I want to shout 'no more, please no more' I sometimes feels I hate men (I know that's unfair, I know there are lovely men out there) I;m torn between wanting some sort of normal friendly relationship and male company and a sort of deep rooted distrust and suspicion of all males, sad

Has anyone else felt like this and got past it, or should I just stick to life on my own - I'm not unhappy alone, and I don;t want to live with someone again, but I'm not desperately happy either and would like a bit of fun of every kind with a man. I'm talking affection and physical closeness as much as just sex.

Really feeling quite shit. Thanks if you;ve got to the end of this ramble.

Yeah. I had a few terrible relationships then accidentally ended up in a good one. More through luck than judgement. I think you just have to play the numbers and meet lots of people, but do not compromise. First sign of twattishness, ditch and move on.

NotnowNigel Fri 15-Jan-16 00:32:23

What's the rush? If you feel ambivalent about a new relationship now, and that is understandable given you've still got the constant irritant hope that's all he is?) of your ex, lingering like the stench of shit on your shoe.

But if you've always made bad choices in men - which usually invloves low self esteem, neglectful/abusive upbringing that trained you to tolerate shitty behaviour - then it might be worth considering counselling for yourself before embarking on anything new so that you don't repeat the pattern.

Also the Freedom programme is supposed to cover the basics.

NotnowNigel Fri 15-Jan-16 00:34:23

Meant to say, get out of there as soon as you can, it's soul-detsrying to stay around a broken relationship and must be bad news for your DD.

Chin up, the only way is up, as they say! flowers

MiddleClassProblem Fri 15-Jan-16 00:34:26

Everything you want is possible, online dating is one way, hobbies and classes is another. You can find someone to give you the respect and affection you deserve and you should, in the meantime, enjoy shopping around for it.

Hope you get out of that house ASAP and then order him an Ocado order of just carrots £40's worth of carrots.

Pipestheghost Fri 15-Jan-16 00:35:30

I was single for nearly 10 years after escaping an abusive relationship. I did go out on a couple of 'dates' but was very cautious.
I eventually met DP and am very happy smile

KurriKurri Fri 15-Jan-16 00:43:13

Oh thanks for replies everyone - I only noticed the late hour after I'd posted.

MiddleClassProblem your post made me laugh - he's getting a skip load of carrots delivered to him one of these days.

I know I need to get out - flat options are a bit limited round here - it's very rural, not that many come up in my price range, but I am looking every day.

He is definitely just an irritant - no relationship of any kind between us - he revolts me, maybe I need to get out before I can see the world and the future properly. When there is a crazy person around you start to wonder what is actually normal.

I think I do have self esteem issues definitely, I think I'm a lot better than I was, I certainly put up with a lot less bullshit than I did before, but I probably do still need to work on it a fair bit.

KurriKurri Fri 15-Jan-16 00:44:11

It's nice to hear happy stories of people finding good reltionships after bad smile

choceclair123 Fri 15-Jan-16 00:57:41

I would like to add, please be careful with the OLD, there are plenty more irritants on there confusedwinethanks

KurriKurri Fri 15-Jan-16 01:04:34

I will be choceclair -it's not something I've ever done or even thought about before, if I'm going to meet someone I'd rather it was through a shared interest of some kind, Just really having one of those late night mulling stuff over sessions when you can't sleep smile

I'm not lonely - I've got fantastic grown up kids and loads of fabulous female friends who I love dearly and whose company I enjoy - but most of them are in relationships and I feel like a bit of a spare part, although am sure they'd come out with me if I asked them - I sort of think they prefer to be going out with their partners.

Friendlystories Fri 15-Jan-16 01:28:48

First priority, find a way to stop sharing space with him. Does it have to be you who leaves? I'm assuming the house is tied up in the divorce and can't be fully sorted until it's finalised but have you discussed his intimidation of you and your daughter with your solicitor? Are there any legal channels you could use to make him move out, non-molestation or occupation order? Recent changes to the law recognise that DV doesn't have to involve physical violence so it's worth looking into at least, you shouldn't have to live in that kind of atmosphere. Once that's sorted and you can breathe again definitely do the Freedom Programme or some counselling and rebuild your confidence so you can trust yourself to make good choices in the future. You don't hate men, you hate this man, and with good reason! There's no reason you can't have everything you want in life, including a relationship in whatever form you choose you just need to be free of your millstone ex before you can see how bright the future is for you flowers

Offred Fri 15-Jan-16 13:03:11

Hope you get out of that house ASAP and then order him an Ocado order of just carrots £40's worth of carrots.

grin

I think you are completely normal. You don't hate men and you know you don't, what you worry is that you will not be able to sift through crap men. I think move out, give it some time to get on your feet and this will resolve.

A relationship right now would not be a great plan so is not an issue just now.

Focus on yourself, getting away from horrendous ex and then yes, send him carrots... Maybe one bag of carrots every day for a year left on his doorstep...wink

pocketsaviour Fri 15-Jan-16 13:42:47

Bear in mind that preventing you or anyone else from entering or leaving a room, and shoving hands in people's faces while shouting, IS domestic abuse. You have the right to live in "quiet enjoyment" (I think that's the legal phrase) - he is preventing you from doing that.

Can you imagine what he would do if you started to date? Actually, if you have been very recently browsing dating sites or anything and then this row erupted, I would have some concerns about him spying on you...

I think you should do what you need to do to get out now, and leave your fears/concerns about future relationships on the back burner.

Once you have been free and enjoyed peace for a while, you may change your mind about potentially living with someone again, or you may not. That doesn't mean you'll never have a relationship again; you'll just need to find someone who's as independent as you and who also likes their own space! Doesn't sound too bad, does it smile

Catpants123 Fri 15-Jan-16 15:39:02

I feel as you do. I did meet a few men post-divorce but now a few years on, I am happy on my own and completely off men and very cynical I'm afraid.

I would not be prepared to compromise on anything I don't think if I lived with someone again. One guy I met used to change the tv channel over when I left the room to the exact same channel as exh. Plus he was just as jealous and controlling. I hated it.

I tried online dating and there are a lot of angry men out there and it got boring.

I don't think of meeting anyone any more. I do miss the intimacy but I have a 'friend' for that which gives me as much as I need. I much prefer the company of women these days.

Catpants123 Fri 15-Jan-16 15:40:19

Good advice from pps.

JapanNextYear Fri 15-Jan-16 15:46:18

You might well find that your fantastic female friends would love a meet up without their partners...especially if there's some kind of excuse like, god, I don't know - a book club or something - or just wine, or walking....

Once you are on your own in your own place - it'll all seem so much clearer. Just don't rush to move anyone else in!

MaisieDotes Fri 15-Jan-16 15:53:36

maybe I need to get out before I can see the world and the future properly.

^this, with bells on.

When you get out, luxuriate in your own space for a while. A good while. Then see how you feel.

flowers

stopfuckingshoutingatme Fri 15-Jan-16 16:18:21

Its simple, you have NOT split up, maybe yes sexually/emotionally but you live in the same house and he is fucking bollocking you about carrots and being a general cunt-tard!"!

how on earth can you move on when its like this flowers

I so empathise, but you cant live with the stench of burning martyr and banging of doors

its still domestic abuse!

stopfuckingshoutingatme Fri 15-Jan-16 16:26:25

I think your priority is getting OUT rather than finding a new man to be honest

I do sympathise, but I am at the starts of my LTBing- and I feel the same way. I don't trust myself IYSWIM

google the Freedom Project OP, I am not saying do it but I think you get used to this cuntish behaviour and normalise

here is an example from me, I am scared to tell STBEXDP that in a week I need to go out twice (a significant birthday, and a leaving do)- how fuclked up

anyway,. me me me! sending strength and I really think you are still being abused X

KurriKurri Fri 15-Jan-16 16:56:20

Thank you all so much for your messages - and for reading through my late night ramblings - I was still a bit shaken up after 'carrotgate' hmmgrin - I can laugh about the ridiculousness of the things he starts stropping about - but as you all say - it all comes down to control and abuse.

Yes priority one is get out. I have spent the day looking at flats/studio flats etc whatever I can find in my price range - it might have to be a bedsit, but that is better than living with a cunt-tard (wonderful word thank you for introducing it to my vocab stopfuckingshouting grin )

Also much love and strength to you in your LTB journey - I know the feeling of fear over little things no one in a normal relationship would bat an eyelid over, and none of us should have to live that way. Keep yourself safe and stay strong xx

I've looked up the freedom programme - there seems to be an online version or classes - there are some int he town near to me, although I will have to ring and see whether they have spaces etc.- Anyone have any experience of either method? - I like the idea of meeting other women going through similar trials, but it might be quicker to get onto the online programme and just get going on it.

In our "discussion" last night I said to him that the problem really lay inthe fact that two years ago he said repeatedly he had 'left me and was ina new relationship' yet here he still is in my space - physically and mentally. He has split up with his girlfriend - she dumped him pretty unceremoniously and I think that somewhere in his head he believes that we can love together in some sort of weird non married state of hatred for ever. And yes by allowing myself to be intimidated (over things like the sale of the house etc) I have enabled that.

But again as you have all said I have to get out, I have given myself all the pep talks in the world about not letting him intimidate me, but he is 6'2" and 14 stones - I am 5'2" and when he chooses to get in your face he really gets in your face. he's never hit me,he's pushed me and he's done lots of the jabbing his finger right up to my face pushing his hand right up to my face and blocking my exit from rooms. He always just stops short of actually striking me. I have had the police out soon after our break up, and they were brilliant, explained how his behaviour was abusive and have my name on list for getting here sharpish if I phone if I'm frightened - I haven't needed to use it yet as he has calmed down a lot since he broke up with his GF. In fact I told one of the officers about a sexual incident that had happened many years ago when XH had pinned me down, and the officer gave me numbers and help lines and said the police would support me if I wanted to go ahead and press charges despite it being so long ago. (I decided against as it would have been my word against his and it was so long ago I was hazy on details)

Christ I am writing this stuff and thinking 'what was I doing normalising this in my mind for 30 years' but I endlessly made excuses for him, I loved him and I feared him, and he had me so convinced of my own uselessness I couldn't envisage coping without him.

The divorce settlement is complicated and financially not ideal for me - I need to have the house sold to get my share of things _I took a bigger share of the house in lieu of any of his monthly income as my lawyer said he would just jack in his job instantly if he thought he had to give me any of his income. (Looking back maybe not the best advice but there it is).
Bit I'm not a big spender, I can live comfortably in a small space so will be getting this stupid situation sorted asap.

Thanks all for spelling it out (I knew in my heart - but I needed it told to me firmly and given a metaphorical shove in the right directions)

flowers to you all x

stopfuckingshoutingatme Fri 15-Jan-16 17:04:37

so his girlfriend dumped him did she? funny that grin

and YY to the bedsit, I need to find one too - and either I am there or he is there (he is currently the SAHD)

sooo much resounded for me OP, the police sound like they have been lovely. good luck, you have LTB and now you need to move out from TB.

and as for I think that somewhere in his head he believes that we can love together in some sort of weird non married state of hatred for ever

that's what I feel like too!! its not even funny at all, but in a fucked up way that me me laugh bitterly

stay strong, don't let him intimidate you as you 10000% deserve to live a life A WITHOUT HIM IN IT

KurriKurri Fri 15-Jan-16 21:14:48

Yes she dumped him by text at the airport just as he was about to get on a plane to go and stay with her for Christmas. She was displeased because she'd wanted him to go earlier and he was going to, but me, my DD and my sister managed to get into his thick skull that doing so would mean he missed his own son's wedding which would be unforgivable.

So she threw a wobbly and moved on to the next online middle aged sap presumably grin
How we laughed gringrin

If at any time you feel you need the police - if he gets pushy or stalkery or whatever - ring 101, they were so nice to me and sent officers round really quickly and spent a lot of time telling me what to do - putting together an escape bag with all my important documents etc in it, giving me the numbers of women's organisations etc. It was a male and a female officer and they were both brilliant.

Also - citizens advice were useful, will tell you all about any financial help you might be entitled to - and they have a free lawyer advice service (you have to queue up for a while to get seen but they are helpful and point you in the right directions legally) and they gave me a list of lawyers which provided a one hour free consultation - and I eventually used one of those companies to do my divorce for me.

And separate your finances from his if you have a joint account.

Good luck in getting away from your bastard - early days are the toughest, well done in making the decision and getting yourself away from all the crap.

ABetaDad1 Fri 15-Jan-16 21:21:09

I think you need legal advice about total separation, selling the house and getting a proper financial settlement.

You can't move on without that.

BitOutOfPractice Fri 15-Jan-16 22:02:12

Seriousy? You couldmove out with "a struggle2 and you are still putting up with this shit? Why?!

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