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Dp leaving for good tomorrow...

(27 Posts)
PeppasNanna Thu 14-Jan-16 23:09:42

We've had a temporary seperation. Got back together last month but its no good. I've asked him to leave by tomorrow . He ignored me when i asked him yesterday. Hes just told me hes going tomorrow.

I know its for the best. Its been a long time coming but why do i suddenly feel so panicky & sad?

We can't have a conversation. So nothing is organised about money or the dc.

I feel hes calling my bluff but i can't waste anymore years in this pointless, frustrating, uncaring relationship.

Just posting for abit of support more then anything...sad

TempusEedjit Thu 14-Jan-16 23:56:07

Change is always daunting even when it's for the better. Well done for calling time on a bad relationship, I hope tomorrow goes okay for you flowers

honeyroar Fri 15-Jan-16 00:09:12

It's a big thing even if you decided it. Of course you'll feel a bit scared and panicky. If you can't talk to him, make a list of what needs organising re money and the children. Just taking control of that will make you feel better. It may mean that you need to contact solicitors etc, but it will be a step forward towards being strong and on your own feet. Good luck.

LadyB49 Fri 15-Jan-16 00:10:49

I called time after 22 years. At first felt utmost relief.
6 months later having sold the house (me), packed it all up (me alone), bought another downsized house, got full time employment....sorted - I felt low. Not sorry I'd done it cos it had been a long time coming.... but kind of lost. I mentioned it to my doctor on a visit about something else and he said it was probably grief for what 'should/might have been'.

It took just a little getting used to. And you will get used to it too. A little time. Things will get organized. Make sure you have all the necessary details regarding any joint accounts. Are you married. Whose name on house.
Sorting this stuff will take you through the next few days and keep you busy. Gradually you will relax and enjoy your own space.
Be kind to yourself.

FredaMayor Fri 15-Jan-16 00:13:52

I felt panicky and sad at that point too. I think its because of the feeling that you're not in control and don't know what the future may hold. If he won't communicate you're going to have to develop the courage and confidence to carry you through on your own terms. I hope you will believe me when I say that the future may hold wonderful things too. Having trust in yourself now will pay big dividends later on, you are doing the right thing.

FredaMayor Fri 15-Jan-16 00:14:46

Cross posts, seems we are like-minded!

coffeeisnectar Fri 15-Jan-16 00:16:36

Even if it's the right thing to do, you can still grieve for what you had and what you've lost.

But give yourself time and you will realise it was the best for you both. I'd suggest emailing or texting to discuss mediation over the dc, house, money etc.

NotnowNigel Fri 15-Jan-16 00:38:23

If you've got supportive family/friends see lots of them too. Can be very reassuring when you're in that first panicky phase.

Believe me though it will pass. It will get better. And you will start to feel great pride, strength and pleasure in taking control of your life. Freeedom!

PeppasNanna Fri 15-Jan-16 00:44:45

Thanks.

Theres nothing to sort out really. Never married. My name on tenancy. Never had a joint account. As we seperated a few months ago i sorted stuff then. Contact was a big issue (lack on his part) but he has a new job. I will email him in a few days.

I don't have friends or family to call on. Partly why I've stayed in the relationship for so long.

16 years I've wasted. 16 years...god i wish i could go back in time...

NotnowNigel Fri 15-Jan-16 00:54:06

Regrets, I have a few... sorry, not being flippant, but so many women on here express the same grief at the time wasted on some twattish partner.

But... look forward now. It's never too late to start a new phase in your life. Just takes the guts to make the changes that gets things going. And it sounds like you've definitely got the guts.

At least you haven't got some lengthy, emotionally torturous divorce to look forward to.

MN will be your support. grin Keep posting for handholding. flowers

PeppasNanna Fri 15-Jan-16 01:00:45

Awww thanks. He wouldn't marry me incase i got his money! Im in my 40's now. No career. Sacrificed my career for his. 4 dc. 2 with SN. Too old to have another family.

Stupid stupid stupid...angry Im angry at myself as much as him.

But i can't waste anymore time on him as it will never get better. He says he cares but he doesnt behave like he does. There is nothing positive about our relationship.

NotnowNigel Fri 15-Jan-16 01:19:50

God, would you really want another family? grin

But it's not too late to start another career. So many women in the same position. Lots of careers value the life experience of someone older - nursing, social work, teaching?

Yes, don't waste any more time. I think you know when the end has come and there's no going back. It's sad and scary but you just know you have to make the change. Can be exciting too though. If you look a few years ahead where would like to be?

PeppasNanna Fri 15-Jan-16 08:35:35

My boys SN are very limiting. In a few years realistically if im working part time in a non dtressful job, i will be doing good.

My younger son returned to school on Wednesday! Christmas holidays lasted 5 weeks in this house!!

No restpite. No Playschemes. No holiday clubs. The boys are 7 & almost 11 so not easy. I still dress & wash them both. The younger one also has medical issues so thats very time consuming ateending hospital appointments etc.

Its part of the reason i stayed so long. I would ideally like yo do 50/50 custody but exdp won't do it.

PeppasNanna Fri 15-Jan-16 16:48:12

He left...

He stayed all day until 3pm & left before the dc got in from school.

My anxiety levels are through the roof but i know ive done the right thing...

honeyroar Fri 15-Jan-16 21:23:13

Good luck with your new life. May it be easier from now on. Enjoy your night. Spoil yourself.

RandomMess Fri 15-Jan-16 21:32:55

What an arse he is to do that!!!

flowers onwards and upwards x

Blue2014 Fri 15-Jan-16 22:03:22

You will be ok, I promise, you'll do this. You will be ok thanks

FighterPilotsThumbs Fri 15-Jan-16 22:11:44

Wow Peppas you're in a startlingly similar situation to me except my recent ex isn't nasty like yours sounds.

Mine left two weeks ago, we decided to split before Christmas but waited till he had a flat sorted etc.

15 years. Never married (more my preference than his), two DC. We just came to the end of the road (albeit with a few deeply unpleasant incidents/fights towards the end). I don't fancy him. No sex for two years +. The little things he did began to seriously irritate me. I had a constant knot in my stomach accompanied by a feeling of "Is this really it for the rest of my life".

And do you know what? I'm happy. I feel a bit scared and overwhelmed (we are still sorting out finances etc) but I have a deep rooted feeling that this is right. For both of us and for our DC. I know 100% that we'll remain great parents and friends, I know to some MNers that will sound naive but it really is the case.

It really sounds like the right decision for you. You'll be ok. Hugs flowers

PeppasNanna Sat 16-Jan-16 17:20:05

Thankyou all for your replies.

The dc haven't even asked after him...
Im mentally tired today. Its been non stop since 5.30am.

I do feel overwhelmed today. The reality of being absolutely on my own is pretty daunting!

I have 2 things going on this week where he was supposed to be having the youngest dc but i need to bring her with me.

We won't be friends. I think realistically if we can manage regular contact & a good level of communication, we will be doing brilliantly.

bialystockandbloom Sat 16-Jan-16 17:28:43

Well done you smile

I'm in a startling similar situation, sahm gave up good career, one of my dc has sn, not married (like you, I suspect because he wouldn't want me to have any claim on his considerable assets/property etc), shit non-relationship for 3 years +. Difference in my case is that despite us acknowledging a year ago it should be over, he refuses to leave, and I can't as can't afford it. (Own the house together.)

Imo you will not regret this, and will feel a weight lifted. But give yourself time to lament what should have been a happy partnership - then, onwards and upwards flowers (Or chin up, tits out, as we used to say when teenagers grin)

PeppasNanna Sat 16-Jan-16 17:33:14

Its the practical stuff I'm mostly worried about now. Money will be an issue to. Hes so tight.

He just sent me a text reminding me a neighbour is back tomorrow after being on a trip for months but not even enquired about the dc...typical really.

bialystockandbloom Sat 16-Jan-16 18:10:01

Have you been on csa (or whatever it's called now) to work out payments? And if you haven't already, can you get copies of his payslips etc?

PeppasNanna Sat 16-Jan-16 18:35:20

No. I haven't done anything formally. He only left yesterday.

No I've never seen a payslip. I dont know how much he earns. He used to have a very good job but was made redundant a few years ago & got his current job. Its a job not a career. Not well paid. No pension. Shifts. Bain of my life!

summerwinterton Sat 16-Jan-16 18:41:05

you need to get your child maintenance claim in pronto. I started mine a year ago and am yet to see a penny, so don't hang about waiting for him to offer you any cash. Make sure your council tax and any benefits are informed you are alone so they can adjust accordingly too.

PeppasNanna Sat 16-Jan-16 19:07:41

I doubt i will be entitled to much help. I do have a small income & savings. Its very early days to start changing stuff... we haven't even spoken yet.

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