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How to explain to dh how much I want a second child

(17 Posts)
Frizzuk1986 Thu 14-Jan-16 19:55:07

I really don't know where to put this...
Dd has just turned 2 and I always said that I'd fancy around an 2.5 year gap with kids. Dh seemed up for it although at times not so much (when dd was not sleeping or being a terror)
Life was on track, and then our relationship faltered. Then we got sorted and dh lost his job and has just got a possible long term temp thing (however nothing secure)
Now it seems everyone I know is having their second or announcing their second and it fills me with tears that we aren't close to that yet.
I want it to be me and it's not. I'm happy for others but miserable that yet again life hasn't panned out how we hoped it would. It seems each time something good happens something awful comes along that rocks us to the core.
I don't know how to explain this to dh as I know the 'right' thing to do is get security before we try but it's making me feel low and unhappy and frustrated.

fluffyhair Thu 14-Jan-16 21:00:14

I think your DH is being sensible. You might feel unhappy now but you are hardly going to be happy with 2 dc to support, if your DH fails to get a permanent job once his temp job comes to an end. Or if your relationship falters again and you're left raising them as a single parent. Are you able to work and contribute to the family's financial security?

Be patient and wait until your position is secure. It's much more common to have bigger age gaps between dc these days, and it will be easier to cover childcare, and university costs in future as they won't all be in at the same time.

Frizzuk1986 Thu 14-Jan-16 21:12:39

Thanks.
I know he is right. It's def the right decision to wait but it's still making me upset and I struggle to get dh to understand what impact it has on me and my mood which can place a strain on life. I already work full time so can't contribute any more. I think that has made it harder in some ways as I spend so little time with my dd working such long hours. I think in my mind I always had it that it would only be for a year or so and then we'd be planning a second. Then id maybe go back part time but it's not happened. Almost every mum I know works 4 days a week or less so I guess I am jealous of their situation and longing for us to be in a better position.
I know there are so many people worse odd than we are but unfortunately part of my personality has always been comparing to others and being very negative about myself etc.

QuiteLikely5 Thu 14-Jan-16 21:16:35

How about looking at what you have got instead of focusing in what you haven't got........works very well!

Offred Thu 14-Jan-16 21:20:46

I think you need to tell him that you know another is not on the cards and you agree with him and are on the same page but you are feeling sad and emotional about it because you really hoped you would be able to have another by now and other people announcing their second PGs is not helping.

Tell him all you want is a bit of sympathy.

Then stop fixating on this and don't wallow in sadness or he will feel emotionally blackmailed to have a DC he doesn't want.

iwouldgoouttonight Thu 14-Jan-16 21:32:49

I know how you feel. Before we had our first DC everyone I knew seemed to be announcing pregnancies/births and I would feel ever so upset about it because I wanted to start trying for a baby but DP was being the sensible one and saying we should wait because we weren't in a good position financially, and I think he wasn't quite ready yet either.

I knew he was right and logically trying for a baby could wait a couple of years, but I did really struggle with it. I don't know if it's some inbuilt hormonal thing but I couldn't help feeling upset.

I just explained to DP how I felt, like you've explained to us on here, and said that although I agree with him and know it makes sense to wait, I'm still going to get upset/impatient about it sometimes.

We have two DCs now and it was worth the wait. smile

Lightbulbon Thu 14-Jan-16 21:39:05

Unless you're late 30s wait.

Don't succumb to peer pressure.

RealityCheque Thu 14-Jan-16 21:47:41

I wouldn't wait.

Two cost very little more than one unless you are factoring childcare (which won't be an issue if line of you isn't working). You never know how long it will take to conceive again and I personally think that a big age gap is pretty hideous although I accept that others view okn that will vary.

Frizzuk1986 Thu 14-Jan-16 22:14:04

Thanks.
I definitely don't want him to feel any pressure to have another child and also don't want to make him feel like it's his fault we aren't having one yet (the finances are the main issue at the moment)
Dd is in nursery full time (dh needs to be available at short notice for temporary work) and we couldn't afford 2 children with only one of us at work so I think 2 kids would cause us to take a hit.
I will try and be positive. It's never really been in my nature (forever the pessimist with a history of depression) I know I need to keep telling myself that we are doing the right thing.
Just hope dh can understand random tears and sadness.

eatingworms Thu 14-Jan-16 22:18:24

I totally understand. We have a 5 year gap and it's not what I wanted, but it's just the way it worked out.
Hang in there , focus on the good and you may find things start to get better for you soon.
Are there any practical changes you could make at all? Finding cheaper childcare, moving somewhere cheaper.....?

JarethTheGoblinKing Thu 14-Jan-16 22:25:36

A 3+ year age gap has its advantages. Just turned 2 is a fantastic age. Yes, there are toddler tantrums, but the bit between 2 and 4 is fantastic. They grow so quickly, they learn so fast, and I've got incredibly happy memories of being able to spend that time with my eldest without feeling like shit (I have horrible pregnancies) or having a newborn.
We aimed for a 4 year age gap, due to childcare costs, but it ended up being 6 years.

I'll never regret those extra years I got to spend with my eldest before #2 came along. And now I get to spend that same time with my youngest, while the eldest is at school.

Guess I'm saying, no rush. Enjoy what you have x

LetsSplashMummy Thu 14-Jan-16 22:31:06

We had a 20 month gap (medical reasons) and now my eldest is 4 some of my ante-natal group are only just having their second - there are real advantages for them too. I feel a little as if I missed out on the lovely 2-3 stage with my eldest as I was dealing with the baby so much. If I were you I would try to make the most of the 1 on 1 time you can have with your DD and the lovely idea of not paying two simultaneous lots of childcare or changing two lots of nappies. When you have your second, which you will, your friends will be queuing up with hand me downs and cuddles and broodiness.

It is also okay to be upset about something even if it is the right decision. It is wrong to always compare yourself to an ideal, you won't be happy. Realistically you have the choices of wait or have a second when your DH isn't ready and the finances are a problem. It is okay to feel sad that these are your choices without seeing it as a sign you are choosing the wrong one. My choices were to stop at one child or have a small gap - neither ideal but just how life works out.

eatingworms Thu 14-Jan-16 22:37:08

Yes, there are positives with a bigger gap. My DD was born whilst DS was in Reception at school which meant I we had the middle part of the day to ourselves for my whole mat leave. I got to do the whole 'baby thing' all over again in a way I wouldn't have been able to otherwise, so in hindsight I think it suited me better. I sometimes wonder if fate played a hand in it. There are pros and cons to most situations, you just need to focus on the pros as much as you can.

Curlywurly4 Thu 14-Jan-16 23:25:38

I would really second what jareth said.

I found 2-4 years to be amazing. DS is so funny and loving, chatting away and sharing his thoughts and ideas.its really lovely to have so much one on one, go to the cinema together, have tea and cake out just us two, go swimming, it's lovely.

I do know how you feel though, I felt that way at various stages but it passes.

Morganly Thu 14-Jan-16 23:33:37

If his work situation is vulnerable but you are in secure full time work, have you thought about him being the SAHP while you work full time?

It's not really fair to him to just assume that he will support you financially while you indulge yourself with a second child and cutting down your working hours.

Just because this is what happens in most marriages, doesn't mean it's the only way of doing things. Also, you only need to read the frequent threads on here to understand how the traditional husband working, wife child rearing dynamic can be very detrimental to the equality of the relationship and emotional health of the wife.

It sounds like your marriage has been shaky recently. Coping with a newborn and a toddler, with all the exhaustion and sleepless nights and resentment that that will entail could well be the hammer blow.

You don't have to do what everyone else is doing. Think, really think, about what is right for you and your marriage and your husband and your child.

JarethTheGoblinKing Fri 15-Jan-16 00:40:43

Thanks, curly

Frizzuk1986 Fri 15-Jan-16 06:18:52

I am loving dd at the moment, so far it's been the best stage. She sings to herself, wants to play proper games and is so happy (most of the time)
Yes I need to focus on the positives of a larger gap and get all the bad things out if my head.
I'm pretty sure dh wouldn't want to be a SAHP and take my mat leave. He's not the biggest fan of those early stages and definitely hates doing the "running the house" style stuff.
Thanks for all the kind and helpful words. I don't really have a friendship group who I can talk to. It's just the mums I met on my nct course and they are the ones having/announcing number 2.

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