struggling to deal with husband's emotional affair

[Kegr]

First post about things like this so excuse me if I ramble a bit. So I've been suspecting my husband of cheating on me for a few months, after to be honest years of me not entirely trusting him and the day before New years eve i found evidence of him being in secret contact with an ex girlfriend he'd got back in touch with via....yes you guessed it Facebook.

It all blew up and he said he didn't love me, wanted a divorce, hadn't been happy for years, thought he loved her etc. The next day he changed his tune. Lets stay together and try to work things out, I'm not really in love with her (they apparently mainly corresponded via phone and FB, met up twice briefly and only kissed - I do believe him), I was angry, I don't really want a divorce, we owe it to the kids to make a go of things etc etc. This was two weeks ago.

Since then I know he has been in contact with her - through spying on him and via his own admissions but from what I can tell they have both decided to end it, she's gone back with her ex boyfriend (whilst still telling my husband he's the love of her life and would drop everything for him - my husband seems to totally buy into this and keeps saying to me that there's 'a lot of history between them' blah blah') and I think my husband is trying to make an effort with us.

I am trying to rise above it and see it as a silly romantic notion of a man in a midlife crisis (?!) and it will all blow over eventually, but at the same time I am really struggling with my self esteem and trusting him.

Self esteem wise I feel like he is settling for me, I can't compete with this fantasy emotional affair - married life with 2 young kids is pretty bloody dull compared to that and also I'm questioning the core of our relationship. I knew we had a few issues but I honestly believed it was down to the stresses of having a young family and that we'd pull through it, I thought we had something special but now I'm questioning it. I feel like the boring doormat wife at home - even though I am far from that person, it's how I'm feeling right now.

Regarding trusting him, I have always thought him to be quite secretive (passwords on phone, computer etc) and have since found out that he has 2 other facebook accounts! They seem to be inactive apart from him searching for old girlfriends - one of them he went on as recently as this weekend and searched for the emotional affair person.

Apart from all this, he is having classic signs of midlife crisis (he's mid 40s) so should i just put it all down to that and get on with being me, ignore all this?

Thoughts please and sorry for confused rambling

[BathtimeFunkster]

It sounds like he's no different at midlife than he's ever been - untrustworthy and seeking out other women have affairs with.

He hasn't even settled for you. You'll just do for now until something better comes along.

You don't owe it to anybody to put up with such a shit marriage.

[tiredvommachine]

I don't think there is any way back for your relationship.

You'll never trust him again (I would be exactly the same).

Any remorse from him?

No, didn't think so.

You deserve better OP

[Helmetbymidnight]

So two weeks ago, he ended it with his gf and said he wanted your marriage to work.

Since then they've been telling each other how much they love each other and he's trying to hook up with other women?

What a cunt. You can't save this by yourself. He is treating you appallingly.

[Jan45]

Honestly if I read another line: just a kiss, I do believe him

No offence OP but why on earth would you when he has set out to cheat and lie, no man, no matter how nice and brilliant a dad he is will admit to shagging OW, they just don't, not unless they have been literally caught with their trousers down their legs!

And the midlife crisis bullshit, again, another excuse for treating a partner like shit.

I agree OP, I don't think he's committed to you at all, he just doesn't want the upheaval of changing his life and she's off the scene for now anyway.

The fact he kept contact with her after you discovered says it all really.

[goddessofsmallthings]

Your h is not having a 'midlife crisis', nor is he "settling" for you.

He's actively seeking out ow and when he finds one who's fool enough to 'settle' for him by giving him bed and board in her home, he'll leave you without a backward glance.

You do not 'owe it to the kids' to live with this ticking time bomb and your self-esteem will haul itself off the floor just as soon as you tell him that you want a divorce so that you can be free to catch up with old boyfriends and seek out new ones.

[springscoming]

No offence OP but why on earth would you when he has set out to cheat and lie, no man, no matter how nice and brilliant a dad he is will admit to shagging OW, they just don't, not unless they have been literally caught with their trousers down their legs!

That's not actually true. Sometimes the cheater will confess the affair when the spouse is unlikely to find out about it.
However, I agree that cheaters will minimize and lie their arses off if they've been found out or coerced into confessing (you tell DW or I will).

Anyway, a pp is right - he doesn't want to fix your marriage. Look at what he does not at what he says.