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Partner caught and now admitted he doesn't want to be with me any longer

(19 Posts)
Monkey10 Thu 14-Jan-16 11:11:12

Hi there
Me and my fiancé have been together for 4.5 years and have a 2.5 year old together. Over the past 6 or so weeks he has been very distant withdrawn and selfish. I upped my care and went out of my way to ensure that things were light and happy in the house, waking early to make him breakfast, taking our daughter to his work at lunch to break up his day and telling him more than I usually do just how much he means to me and how much I live him. He then told me he was depressed and was smoking again. He stayed late at work and did not answer his phone leaving me to arrange everything for Christmas whilst questioning why he was behaving the way he was. All came to a head after Christmas when I noticed that he had liked almost every picture of a girl at works instagram. I asked him about it, he said that he had gone for a drink with her after work and she had listened to his problems. I was gutted. Here I was doing everything in my power to make life good for him so he would feel more relaxed and open to talking to me and he chose to open up to a hot girl at his work. I kicked him out for a week hoping he would try and think positively about getting back on track, see a doctor and research councillors to speak to about his feelings. Instead he spent a week at his mums going to the pub and failing to check in on his daughter at home with me. He came back we tried again. Everything was very weird and again he was acting differently and withdrawn. Not loving in any way. Then a week later I find a receipt in his coat pocket for a £200 necklace. I confronted him and he admitted that he hd bought it for the girl at work, he is aware that it was wrong but found her attractive and just went with it. Again I kicked him out. We spoke after a few days last night and he now tells me that he doesn't love me anymore, hasn't for a while and he just wants to see his daughter
I am of course heartbroken and feel very rejected.
I know I can't force him to love me and that yes people can fall out of love with each other, but as this is so one sided it's very hard to understand what went wrong and what triggered his feeling. I can't help but feel that by trying to be the sensible, planning mother that I now am, he no longer finds me exciting. I am just doing the best for our daughter though. I don't want to go out drinking trying to be cool all f the time. I want to be a good mum and a good partner
Has anyone been through anything similar? I'm so worried about the agonising future that we now face as a split family. Not getting to have my daughter at home for every Christmas and birthday. I know I shouldn't be thinking about it now but how the hell am I going to meet another man? I feel like he will run a mile if he finds out that I have a daughter. I'm also already thinking about the future "your not my dad so you any tell me what to do" arguments that might arise between my daughter and a possible future step dad. God, it's terrible
Has anyone recovered from something similar? Thank you for reading my essay xx

Gobbolino6 Thu 14-Jan-16 11:30:25

Please try not to blame yourself. You sound lovely and giving and thoughtful and a great mum and wife. He sounds like an idiot who confuses love with the excitement of 'unknown' sex.

Much love to you xxx

Jan45 Thu 14-Jan-16 11:32:20

Why would a decent man run if he finds out you have a daughter, I had my daughter alone and was inundated with male attention, it makes no difference to a nice man.

I think he is clearly seeing this girl from work, you need to detach as much as possible and keep the distance, you need time to process everything and come to terms with it - I think you are better off with out him, his complete lack of respect is the nail in the coffin.

KrakenAwakes Thu 14-Jan-16 12:02:38

My Husband of 10 years has just done the same to me, also just before Christmas, also now blaming depression. Only I found 300+ texts making it absolutely evident he had been screwing the woman.

Now beginning both the legal divorce process and relate - I can stop the divorce process if need be but I feel the same way about losing contact with my daughters on Christmas and birthdays. As well as teh inevitable arguments

KrakenAwakes Thu 14-Jan-16 12:02:57

stupid phone - I'm really really sorry this has happened to you x

Offred Thu 14-Jan-16 12:16:14

I think he's emotionally immature and tbh he has done you a favour by being honest about not wanting to be with you anymore.

Worrying that no-one will want you again is normal.

I think it is concerning that he didn't see his daughter when you separated. I think this is the part that will be the ongoing problem, he seems to want to go back in time and be a young, single man with no commitments. You need to make it clear that whilst breaking up with you is the right thing if he is not 'in' the relationship, he has a daughter that he still needs to be a father to.

I have four DC now. Last time I was a single parent I had two DC and no problem dating. Now I have four DC and no problem dating. Don't worry about no-one wanting you.

The step parent thing is actually just a variant of 'I hate you'. It's normal teen behaviour to say stuff like that when you are gaining independence from parents, the key will be not to take it to heart even if it is close to the bone.

I suspect you now have potential for a much happier future than you did when you were with him TBH.

Monkey10 Thu 14-Jan-16 12:18:50

Thank you all for your support. KrakenAwakes, sort to hear this is something you are also trying to handle. Its heart wrenching and so cruel that our partners can dabble in something new, having the best of both worlds without understanding the consequences. My partner changed the pin in his phone weeks ago so I couldn't check for further truth but I don't feel the need to anymore. What I know is enough without punishing myself further. Just knowing that he is ok to do what he knows could ruin everything with me is enough for me to walk away. Our daughter now being in the equation is the hard bit. Our family home and jobs are away from both sets of families so lots of decisions need to be made about where we are all based in the future. I'm still feeling very sad and sorry for myself that he started this with me, I honestly gave it my all and it wasn't enough and I am the one who now faces a more complicated life thanks to his selfishness

LittleLegs25 Thu 14-Jan-16 13:43:29

I know right now you feel devastated but would you really want him to come back after what he's done? You wouldn't be able to trust him ever again and that's no way to live in a relationship. You will easily find someone new when the time is right, there are plenty of decent men out there, having a daughter wont stop anyone from wanting to be with you.

It sounds as though your in for a tough time trying to get your ex to see your daughter on a regular basis.

Georginasavannah92 Thu 14-Jan-16 14:44:07

I know how you feel I caught my boyfriend few nights ago going on dating sites he admitted to me that when he went out to a bar he kissed someone else and didn't tell me because he didn't want to hurt me I felt so heartbroken he said he's only with me for the baby's sake otherwise we wouldn't be together we are trying to work on things but nothing has improved so no how you feel Hun sad

WhatYouTalkinBout Thu 14-Jan-16 14:54:58

Stay strong, you are worth more. flowers

hellsbellsmelons Thu 14-Jan-16 15:13:27

Has anyone recovered from something similar?
Yep - I would say the majority of the women on here.
It won't feel like it but you will get through it.
Try to look after yourself. Keep sugar levels up and keep yourself hydrated.
Do you have a family and friends close by?
If so then get them to rally round you as much as possible.
It's family and friends support that will get you through this.
Do NOT do the 'pick me' dance no matter what happens.

It's the typical cheaters script to be honest.
Re-writing history etc....

wannabestressfree Thu 14-Jan-16 15:45:40

Georgina that's not enough. I would ask him to leave. You are worth so much more.

goddessofsmallthings Thu 14-Jan-16 16:08:45

Start your own thread, Georgina and plan a very late night out with your mates - reassure the twat that you won't hurt him by giving him an account of what you get up to in bars while he's home alone with his dc.

whatyouseeiswhatyouget Thu 14-Jan-16 16:29:28

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Monkey10 Thu 14-Jan-16 17:31:42

Thank you all. Whatyouseeisqhatyouget - I do want him back and I want to work on our problems if I'm honest. He doesn't want me though. Doesn't even want to try and make things better, just wants everything over. So harsh and cruel. I'm riding the emotional rollercoaster that he is controlling and I'm guessing I will do for many years to come. I love my daughter and I could not be any happier to her mother but I do totally hate him for starting this with me and now leaving because it doesn't suit him. Men!!!

NewLife4Me Thu 14-Jan-16 17:39:40

So sorry you are going through this.
If it was me I'd cut my losses and live where the support network is and if this is too far away from him well tough titties.
He is very immature not cut out to be a good family man and partner so yes, he's done you a favour.

timelytess Thu 14-Jan-16 17:42:51

Has anyone recovered from something similar? Yep - I would say the majority of the women on here
True.
Don't bother wanting him back and working on your problems. Get him out of your head and move on. Good luck.

Joy69 Thu 14-Jan-16 18:15:46

Big hugs. You will be Ok and things with get better. Hard to believe now, but it's true.x Whatever you do, don't start the 'If I'd something different' thing with yourself.It's him that should have stepped
up when you had kids, not expected things
to be all about him.

KrakenAwakes Thu 14-Jan-16 19:33:59

Google the 'pick me dance'

It's enlightening. Honest.

I am debating reconciliation - but I've been advised by relate very few make it long term and both partners have to be completely committed.

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