Did I push him too far?

[Tired2ndTimeMum]

I argued with my husband earlier as I felt he was being lazy. He came home from work and lit a fire, leaving me to put our toddler to bed whilst also looking after our 4 month old.

He came upstairs and kissed us - and seemed apologetic.

When I went downstairs again I left the 4 month old with him so that I could tidy the kitchen after dinner.

When I finished tidying I went into the sitting room to take the baby and bitched about his laziness. He snapped at me and kept turning the TV up louder. When I turned it off he went upstairs and got into bed with the toddler.

I turned everything off downstairs then went upstairs. I saw that the dirty nappies still hadn't been put outside. The baby was crying so I left her with my husband so I could deal with the nappies.

When I returned my husband was lying in bed holding his iPad with the baby just lying on her back on his chest screaming. I snapped and asked could he not hear her crying. He asked me the same question and I pointed out I was dealing with the nappies.

He then picked her up by grabbing her baby grow and moving her off his stomach and onto the bottom of the bed. Basically as if he was lifting a dog by the scruff of its neck.

When I saw this I saw red. I didn't really think but grabbed his throat and shouted that he would never lift our daughter like that again.

He tried to push me then hit me hard three times - all on the side of the head. I back away and he shoved me. The toddler then woke up crying. I went to lift him but my husband pushed me away (even though the toddler was crying for me).

I kept trying to take him but my husband shoved me away and said I was provoking him. I just repeated that he lifted out daughter like a dog and said I was taking both children to bed with me.

He stormed out and I took both babies into my bed.

Thankfully they are both asleep and calm.

I, on the other hand, can't stop crying.

I know I was wrong to grab his throat but the way he picked the baby up just made me see red.

My ear and cheek hurt. He shouted that I was provoking him but surely, no matter how provoked you are, you don't hit out like that?

I guess maybe I should ask myself the same question as, effectively, I lashed out first

[ThomasRichard]

I don't know what to say OP but hand-holding for you.

[Pain1]

From what I see you were reacting instinctively to protect your child.
I'm so sorry this happened to you. From what I read you were not in the wrong. Nothing provokes a reaction like his.

[BackInTheRealWorld]

You grabbed him by the throat?!? 😳

[Ohfourfoxache]

You need to get out of this relationship. Seriously.

[Gobbolino6]

You sound as bad as each other!

[RedRainRocks]

Was he in bed with your toddler when you left your (crying) baby with him?

[MuttonDressedAsMutton]

This is a frighteningly unhealthy and unsafe relationship - or at least it sounds like one. You probably need to at least separate and both get some serious help although I can't think how you would fix this to acceptable levels.

[PaleBlueDottie]

Doesn't sound as though you like each other very much I'm afraid.

You grabbed his throat, he hit you. And all this with two children in the room.

You two shouldn't be together, you will be better parents if you are apart.

Voice of bitter experience here

[magpie17]

This all sounds terrible from both of you. If this was my relationship it would be over, not just because of his behaviour but yours too. What you have described is not a healthy or safe environment for two young children.

[Morasssassafras]

If you grabbed me by the throat I would hit you to get you off. I also wouldn't want you near any children after that.

Time to part i think. You both should get counselling separately.

[Tired2ndTimeMum]

Thank you for the quick feedback.

I know that I was wrong to grab his throat but I did it without thinking.

Our baby is 4 months old - he just grabbed and lifted her as if she was trash. I can only liken it to lifting a dog by the scruff of its neck. When I saw that I just acted.

RedRainRocks - yes, he was in bed with the toddler as they usually sleep together. The baby was not crying when I left her - she just wanted to be held. In hindsight I should've just left her to cry or carried her along with the nappies but obviously it's too late to change that now.

[choceclair123]

If anyone did that to my baby I'd grab them around the throat too!

Get rid

[ChubbyPolecat]

I'd punch you if you grabbed me by the throat. If he had to hit you 3 times and push you to get you to back off you must have been very aggressive

[Offred]

I agree that this is not an acceptable relationship for your children to be in, you need to separate and both get some help dealing with your aggressive reactions to frustration.

[UmbongoUnchained]

You both need help. I'm pretty sure my ex "wasn't thinking" or was "seeing red" when he used to hit me. It doesn't make it ok.

[LaurieFairyCake]

It's perfectly ok to lift babies by their clothes, I've done it plenty of times

Your issue will be that you thought he was deliberately being uncaring to the baby to get back at you

What you did was dreadful, his reaction was understandable and also dreadful - you both need help

[JockTamsonsBairns]

So sorry you're having such a shit time. I have to say though, I agree with other pp, it sounds like you're both in the thick of it - and behaving as badly as each other.
Just as an aside, my Dh used to carry both of our Dc's 'by the scruff of their necks' ie the collar of their snowsuits / baby grows. Only for a few seconds mind, but the Dc's absolutely loved it, and he continued to do it until they were preschoolers. It's not clear from your OP, did your Dh do it aggressively - ie to hurt her?

[RealityCheque]

It's already all been said.

You both have anger issues. Especially you, OP. If someone grabbed me by the throat I would lash out as many times as necessary.

It also sounds like you habitually talk to him like he's a poiece of shit...

[RiaOverTheRainbow]

Whatever the backstory, and I don't doubt there is one, you really can't stay in a relationship like this. For your children's sakes if nothing else please separate and get counseling.

[CumbriaMum91]

In my opinion if you feel someone is a threat to your baby it's a total natural instinct to lash out. Although grabbing by the throat is something you need to speak to someone about as that's a pretty serious reaction, I think there's plenty mums would have not tolerated what he did.

Also did you let go before he stopped hitting you? Did he hit out of self defence or anger?

I agree with PP's, split for the kids sake before they witness too much and I hope you're ok. He also sounds like he can't be bothered looking after DC's? Sorry if I'm wrong there x

[Mandatorymongoose]

If you reflect on your behaviour outside of the physical altercation, how do you feel about it now?

Reading your OP it feels like you were angry and frustrated because your DH was being lazy or perhaps because you were feeling unsupported rather than his behaviour actually being that bad. You went looking for a fight a bit this evening, he wouldn't discuss it with you (turning the tv up) so you turned the tv off, he left and you found a reason to follow him and then get mad at him about something else.

The grabbing his throat wasn't just a reaction to him picking the baby up, although I understand why that upset you too, it wasn't just a see red instant thing. It was the end of a pile of you not being heard and not getting what you wanted from him - the final straw perhaps but pretending it was just about him picking up the baby won't help. If you were calm and cheerful and had seen him do that would you have reacted the same way? Or would it have been more wtf are you doing?

I'm not sure from your OP but if he hit you while you still had hold of his throat, it's difficult to blame him. You can do a lot of damage grabbing someone like that even if that's not your intention.

Try and work out what really happened because if you don't understand that you can't work on finding new ways to cope.

It's not fair to your children for them to be forced to live with violence.

[ThisIsStillFolkGirl]

Where was the baby when you grabbed him round the throat on the bed and he hit you? Still lying at the foot of the bed?

[PassTheWench]

I think my natural reaction would be to grab the baby to make it safe even if I was angry. It's been said a lot on this forum that strangulation is a huge red flag in DV cases which applies to both men and women. It might be best you spend some time apart and seek some professional help on how to continue.

[ohtheholidays]

He should never had picked the baby up like that.Yes you shouldn't have grabbed him round the throat but from what you've said it does sound like a gut reaction to how he had handled the baby.

He then repeatedly hit you.Was he trying to stop your grip on his throat or had you let go?

Where is he now?Are you and the children safe?Has there ever been any violence within the relationship before OP?

[Offred]

Strangling your partner after he has put the baby down is not a 'gut reaction' to the baby being threatened...

Stop making excuses for this...

Strangling someone is extremely dangerous and violent. It was done in anger not out of parental instinct.

The parental instinct would have been to pick up the baby.