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thoughts on early relationship queries

(20 Posts)
jaccs998 Wed 13-Jan-16 20:08:49

Hi

I have been seeing my man for about 3 months, I think we've had 10 dates in that time which isn't a lot. Sometimes that has been down to me, but we could see each other more.

1. He seems a lot slower than most men I've had relationships with in terms of contact. Like he contact me every 3 - 4 days instead of every day. Is that too little?

2. He still check his dating profile every few days. I wasn't checking up on him but he mentioned it in bed in passing the messages he gets and said he just logged on to see who'd viewed him. Do men that like you continue to do that?

3. Does seeing each other every 7 - 14 days seem enough? We do have quite busy lives and jobs but I sometimes feel he's not keen enough?

Just asking if anyone feels that he might not be that keen?

At times I think he really is, from things he says and does. and he does get very passionate and has times when he can't wait to see me and all that. Other times it just doesn't feel like it. I feel a bit out of sight out of mind. I am definitely used to men being a bit more obviously keen. Last man I dated came to se me every day in the first month we were dating (which was excessive yes) but this just feels a bit...hmmm.....

Cabrinha Wed 13-Jan-16 20:14:07

After 3 months, he knows you enough to be expected to put the online dating on hold. In fact, 3 weeks is enough!

Why are you accepting him still being online?

He doesn't want a long term relationship with you. If that's what you want, bin him.

MatildaTheCat Wed 13-Jan-16 20:18:44

Yes, very kindly, why are you sleeping with a man who is still online when you clearly want more? It's between you how often you see one another but ten times in three months really isn't much.

Time for a chat?

jaccs998 Wed 13-Jan-16 20:22:07

I went out with someone for a year who kept his online dating profile going, so it wasn't that big a deal to me, and he was serious about me (proposed actually) so it's more the combination of the things that bothers me.

Do you think that online dating profiles should be deleted as soon as you're seeing each other?

PassTheWench Wed 13-Jan-16 20:32:17

I think that they should halt activity on their dating profile at the very least. Still actively using it shows that they perhaps aren't as committed to the relationship as they should be. If you want something serious I'd maybe have a talk with him and see if he's wanting to head in that direction. (I, personally, would be a little wary of how infrequent the dates are however.)

FredaMayor Wed 13-Jan-16 20:33:51

No, he's not keen enough and he is acting like a jerk. Your standards should be way higher than tolerating and of this stuff from men.

Jw35 Wed 13-Jan-16 20:33:58

It's only 3 months in, you hardly see him, he's still on the dating site. He's not into you and is using you for sex. Sorry

FredaMayor Wed 13-Jan-16 20:34:20

any of this stuff

Cabrinha Wed 13-Jan-16 20:37:25

You went out with someone for a YEAR who was still open to meeting other women?

Fucking hell!!

Why are your expectations so low?

jaccs998 Wed 13-Jan-16 20:45:31

No, no, no

He kept his profile on it and still read messsages people sent him. He wasn't up for meeting them.

I foudn it funny because I knew he was keen on me so it didn't bother me. Was a little ego boost for him.

FredaMayor Wed 13-Jan-16 20:48:36

He wasn't up for meeting them.

Oh well that's ok then. confused

jaccs998 Wed 13-Jan-16 20:49:19

Well it was ok with me.

FredaMayor Wed 13-Jan-16 20:52:33

Well it was ok with me.

I think therein lies your problem, OP. Please tell me you're not as naïve as you seem to be?

jaccs998 Wed 13-Jan-16 21:01:26

Sorry I think you're assuming from about two sentences certain things about me / my life.

Yes, I am pretty laid back and not very jealous because no -I have never been insecure about any of my boyfriends. Also never had any need to be.

In this case I feel I had a need to be, so asked about it.

The previous man in question kept his dating profile live and would check messages from other women out of curiosity and that was fine with me.

He also prioritised me in his life
He also bent over backwards to make me happy
He also saw me 5 nights a week
He also wanted me to meet his friends and family and be part of his life
He also looked after me if I was feeling ill or sad
He also asked me to move in and proposed

We've been split for a couple of years now and he still phones to check how I am and is a lovely person who didn't and wouldn't cheat. i am sure if I had asked him to delete the profile he would have but I wasn't bothered because he showed me in every other way that he loved me and wasn't interested in anyone else.

This man is diferrent, hence the diferrence in how I feel about it.

I feel like this one is shopping around - but after ten dates wasn't even sure how I felt about that

pocketsaviour Wed 13-Jan-16 22:00:56

I think after 10 dates you would want to be having the conversation "Is this going to be exclusive, are we deleting/hiding our dating profiles?"

I wouldn't expect anyone to stop talking to/dating others until that conversation had been had.

I think it's important for you to have clear in your mind what your expectations are, and to be able to express those to your potential relationships. If you're not on the same page, it's best to move on to a new chapter with someone who is.

choceclair123 Wed 13-Jan-16 22:51:35

Is he ringing or texting you every 3 - 4 days? Something's not right about this after 3 months... I wonder if he's still meeting up with other women from OLD site as he has plenty of time in between seeing you.

In my experience if a man is really into you they can't get enough of you, text and call all the time, want to make arrangers to see you regularly all the time.

I also think if someone was loved up and focuses on the person they are dating they would have no interest in "checking messages online".

I smell a rat.

choceclair123 Wed 13-Jan-16 22:52:39

Ooops typos confused

Mamapotter2008 Wed 13-Jan-16 23:17:03

Hmm, on the one hand I'd agree with choceclair. However, I really like independent men who take things slow at the start. Personally I'd say it's time to talk about where we're at - had a lovely three months with you, I'd like to explore our relationship further, and to do that I'd like us both to put our OLD profiles on hold and start seeing eachother more frequently, what do you think?

And then watch his body language like a hawk when he replies.

ThisIsStillFolkGirl Thu 14-Jan-16 05:49:01

I wouldn't be happy being with a man who kept a dating profile open for an ego boost, whatever else was going on.

That's not about jealousy, it's about respect. A person who respects their bf/gf just wouldn't do that and a person who respects themselves wouldn't accept it.

Your bf should not need to read flirty messages from strangers to feel good about himself.

And, having done OD, what is it he's getting from a "hi, I liked your profile, please read mine" messages?

TooSassy Thu 14-Jan-16 06:07:39

This comes down to one thing OP. Personal boundaries. Yours are very different to mine.

There is NO WAY I'd be with someone for a year and accept a dating profile being up. I have zero issues with self esteem but this for me is a huge lack of respect.

Regarding the current situation.

That messaging frequency would be fine for me. But. Having just gotten out of a LTR I'm not looking for another one. I'm yet to DTD with anyone post break up but this I do know. Unless the connection is amazing and I want to give it a real shot I'm keeping my dating profile up and I'm not just checking messages. I am arranging dates. I may not sleep with them but I will be playing the field (in effect to see if someone better is available).
OP I don't think he's looking for anything serious and he certainly had no plans on being exclusive with you.
The fact that he's told you all this means he's testing your boundaries. To see what he can get away with.

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