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Dsis relationship

(11 Posts)
Atalosss Wed 13-Jan-16 16:06:37

Dsis has been in a highly abusive relationship for many years and has children. Her partner recently plead guilty to violence against her and received a suspended sentence. I could tell dsis was unhappy that it went to court but thought that she could finally see that her and the children were better off without him.
Well it turns out I was wrong, twice I have seen her partner with some of the children. She has been behaving differently lately and I had my suspicions but I didn't want to believe she would be so stupid. I know if I mention it to her she will deny it and say he is just seeing the children.

So I just don't know what to do now. He is going to kill her and there is nothing I can do about it. I can't see any other way this is going to end, my poor DNs will lose their mother and I will lose my sister. Iv been in tears most of today, I dread every phone call incase it's her being battered at the other side of the phone again. I feel sick with it all.

I'm not asking anything really, I just think I needed to let it out. I just want to hug her and make everything alright. I love her so much.

goddessofsmallthings Wed 13-Jan-16 16:52:38

Has your dsis had any involvement with Women's Aid? Can you encourage her to make contact with her nearest branch and enrol on the Freedom Programme? www.womensaid.org.uk

Your dsis's regional/county council's Children's Services Department most probably hold an active file on the family. Do you know whether the dc have been allocated a social worker? As the Court may have attached certain conditions such as not contacting your dsis to his suspended sentence, I would suggest you voice your concern that he back is in her life/her home to her CSD and also to the police.

Rest assured that any call(s) you make will be treated in confidence, but you can of course pose as a 'concerned neighbour' or similar anonymous caller.

As something of a longshot, print off the sticky at the top of this board, give it to your dsis, and suggest that she takes a look at this site when she has time.

I feel your pain but your summation is correct as ultimately there's nothing you can do to stop your dsis putting herself in harm's way if she's determined to do so.

flowers I'll hold you in my thoughts and hope that you will be able to post a more positive account of him falling under a bus in due course.

Atalosss Wed 13-Jan-16 17:37:21

I'm not sure if he is allowed near the children or not but I'm pretty sure she said said he isn't allowed near her .
She refuses any involvement with women's aid or other DV charities. She has has children's services involvement on and off for about 4 years. I think they are still involved but I don't really know as she won't really discuss the subject.
If I phone the police she will just lie and say he hasn't been near her or the children. I can't prove it. I just have to wait for another call I suppose.

Thank you for responding btw

pocketsaviour Wed 13-Jan-16 18:06:55

she will just lie and say he hasn't been near her or the children

Right, but if you can say "I saw him with the kids in the town centre outside McDonalds on Saturday 9th Jan at 2pm" or whatever then they certainly have a lot more information to go on.

Don't direct your call to the police - make it to Social Services.

goddessofsmallthings Wed 13-Jan-16 18:12:27

If your dsis has managed to get Children's Services off her back it will be because she has assured them that she's no longer involved with him and there is no danger to the dc.

However, as CS hold a file on the family I urge you to inform them that your dsis is continuing to associate with the man who beat/injured her and that you are concerned for the welfare of the dc, and I also urge you to make contact with your dsis's regional police authority's domestic violence unit so that they are appraised of the likeliehood of there being a further incident, or incidents, of domestic abuse at your dsis's address.

I suspect that if social workers or the police were to approach your dsis's neighbours it will emerge that he is either living with her fulltime. or is in evidence for a large part of the week.

If you don't take this action and your worst fears are realised, you'll find yourself in the unenviable position of wondering whether one call of a few minutes' duration could have made a difference.

By doing everything you can to save your disis from herself and spare your dns any further exposure to violence in their home, you'll have no need to reproach yourself at any time.

As I said earlier, conditions may have been attached to the suspension of whatever sentence was handed down in which case a call from you could serve to delay, if not defer, history repeating itself.

Don't do it for your dsis who knows full well what she's risking by associating with him; do it for your dns who are the only entirely innocent parties in this, sadly not uncommon, horror story of domestic abuse.

goddessofsmallthings Wed 13-Jan-16 18:22:58

Some regional police authorties are more proactive than others when it comes to dv, ps, and some are trialling new strategies aimed at reducing repeat offending which is why I've suggested that the OP makes contact with her dsis's regional authority's Domestic Violence Unit to whom she is no doubt known as well as Children's Services.

There is a lot the police can do in these situations and if he's in breach of a court imposed order he could find himself serving time in custody.

Atalosss Wed 13-Jan-16 19:30:24

I'll look into contacting someone about this tomorrow because your right, the children don't deserve to live in that situation. I have previous contacted CS about this numerous times in the past but they don't seem to want to do much, how can I get them to actually take some action? Dsis has admitted that she told them that I am some type of drug user the first time I contacted CS 4 years ago and so I don't think they take what I say seriously. I just wish I had some proof. Dsis doesn't even comply or go to CIN meetings but still nothing seems to get done.

(I am not and never have been a drug user of any sort including alcohol)

Atalosss Wed 13-Jan-16 19:40:46

Might it be worth me phoning the school?

wannabestressfree Wed 13-Jan-16 19:43:13

Please phone. For their sake and keep phoning until you are listened too.

Atalosss Wed 13-Jan-16 20:12:21

I am going to phone, don't worry about that. I was just feeling overwhelmed and down about it all earlier.

goddessofsmallthings Wed 13-Jan-16 21:18:09

Being powerless to prevent a woman returning time and again to a man who physically abuses her can be overwhelmingly depressing, and more particularly when there are dc involved and she refuses to acknowledge the harm that she is inflicting on them.

Dsis has admitted that she told them that I am some type of drug user the first time I contacted CS 4 years ago Either your dsis is incredibly cunning or she's mouthed his words which suggest to me that he may have had some prior experience involving other dc.

After having ensured that you are speaking to an officer who is assigned to the police authority's domestic violence unit, voice your concerns, mention the lie your dsis said she told to CS about you, and ask to invoke Clare's Law as you are worried that your dsis is not the first woman he's abused. If he hasn't got any prior history I would expect the officer to reassure you immediately but if not, go ahead as the result may be illuminating www.telegraph.co.uk/women/womens-life/11369454/Clares-Law-Find-out-if-your-partner-has-a-history-of-abuse.html

When you call SS make sure you speak to either the social worker who is dealing/has dealt with the case or to their Team Manager and make it clear that you are aware of what your dsis may have told them about you, that you are not and never have been a drug user or alcohol abuser and that if they should be in any doubt about this fact you are willing to present yourself for testing.

It's a good idea for you to alert the dcs school(s) as they may have noticed some alteration in the dcs demeanours. However, as this is a matter of the utmost confidence, I would suggest you only address it with the Headteacher.

The message you will be conveying to one and all is that you have seen him out and about alone with the dc , that as your dsis's behaviour towards you has recently undergone a change you have reason to believe that she may be cohabiting or engaging in frequent contact with him again, and that the dc are at risk of witnessing violence in their home. Say also that your fear is that he'll kill your dsis and that if he does he may decide to kill the dc too.

Keep a small notebook for the specific purpose of noting the calls you make. Always elicit the name of whoever you're speaking to and record it with the time and content of the conversation you've had with them.

If I were you I'd be incandesent about that lie. I'd make sure everyone I spoke to was made aware of it and it would fuel my mission to protect the dc, no matter how many calls I'd have to make before action is taken.

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