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Do I say something

(43 Posts)
hoppy40 Tue 12-Jan-16 14:47:21

I'm ready to be told to keep my nose out but ....
My 22 year old Dd is seeing a recently separated man of 37 with two dc one ten and one twelve both of whom she hasn't met. I didn't have a problem as such until she told me his mil has sent my dd a message telling her she's a slag and to stick to men her own age which makes me now think there was an overlap with his wife and my daughter. I would hate to think my dd has come between a man and wife she tells me he was living in the house but he told her they weren't living as man and wife. Do I say something to my dd or not ?

Figwin Tue 12-Jan-16 14:49:54

I don't understand what you would want to say to Dd. sounds like she has told you everything from her side and if not it's because she doesn't want to. Just support her. Mil might just be a cow.

Epilepsyhelp Tue 12-Jan-16 14:52:33

You don't need to work that out now, it's too late. Just be there for your dd and to pick up the (probably inevitable) pieces.

Goingtobeawesome Tue 12-Jan-16 14:53:51

Who exactly gave the MIL your DDs number?

hoppy40 Tue 12-Jan-16 14:54:39

But if mil is not being a cow and is watching her dd and gc hurting because she has been cheated on ?

Finola1step Tue 12-Jan-16 14:55:06

I would gently ask her if she is sure that he was separated when they started seeing each other. Then leave it there. And wait for the inevitable crisis.

hoppy40 Tue 12-Jan-16 14:55:18

Mil found her number on social media

Finola1step Tue 12-Jan-16 14:56:16

X post and good question hoppy. How has his MIL got your dd's phone number?

Figwin Tue 12-Jan-16 14:56:44

Either way, what do you want to say to your daughter?

Finola1step Tue 12-Jan-16 14:56:59

I'm x posting all over the place today. Apologies.

Epilepsyhelp Tue 12-Jan-16 14:57:28

Thats for dd and her new bf to worry about though, not for you to find out/judge. If you were watching it happen then it would be right to intervene but it sounds like the damage is already done.

This will be an incredibly hard road for your dd.

hoppy40 Tue 12-Jan-16 14:58:59

I would want to remind her what's right and wrong even if she might not listen. I just feel awful for the wife rightly or wrongly.

Figwin Tue 12-Jan-16 15:01:16

Do you not trust your DD's version? That he told he they were separated? If true, she was duped and needs your support not judgement as she did nothing wrong.
If you think she's the kind of girl who would do this and the tell you a lie about it then what good would you telling her what's right and wrong do?

Figwin Tue 12-Jan-16 15:02:25

She's your dd, give her the benefit of the doubt

hoppy40 Tue 12-Jan-16 15:06:29

She's young and yes I believe her but I'm older and I've known in real life and on this board that men will say they're not living as man and wife but unfortunately the wife is unaware of this and now mil is sending the message it makes me wary

Funinthesun15 Tue 12-Jan-16 15:06:32

mil has sent my dd a message telling her she's a slag and to stick to men her own age which makes me now think there was an overlap with his wife and my daughter

Not necessarily. My DH ex MIL did the same to me.

DH and I didn't meet until a year after they had split.

She also doesn't believe her DD had an affair even though they divorced on the grounds of her adultery

Many years she still sometimes messages me strange woman

Tartyflette Tue 12-Jan-16 15:07:02

Sorry, OP but it sounds to me like she has fallen for the old chestnut " Oh, we're definitely separated, I just can't move out just yet because ......"

Shutthatdoor Tue 12-Jan-16 15:08:49

She's young and yes I believe her but I'm older and I've known in real life and on this board that men will say they're not living as man and wife but unfortunately the wife is unaware of this and now mil is sending the message it makes me wary

There are also many cases of MIL interfering and getting things wrong.

I wouldn't automatically believe the MIL tbf.

I have known of incidences where they get involved having not known the whole truth themselves and getting it very very wrong.

MorrisZapp Tue 12-Jan-16 15:14:35

Wtf? A stranger messages your daughter and calls her a slag, but you're worried about a 'man and wife'?

What kind of horror show sends a text like that? Presumably the poor man fell over willy first did he?

Keep the heck out of it.

Figwin Tue 12-Jan-16 15:16:46

Wait, so you believe her... So you know she knows right from wrong then. Just telling her right from wrong when she didn't actually do anything wrong is harsh. She's your daughter! Be on her team!

Either he is a douche or the mil is, not your daughter

hoppy40 Tue 12-Jan-16 15:17:42

Thank you I have asked my daughter if he was cheating with her she told me no but there was doubt when she told me about the message and regardless I will be there for my dd.

goddessofsmallthings Tue 12-Jan-16 15:18:01

I agree with Tarty and suggest you caution your dd against becoming emotionally invested in this man until he's left the marital home otherwise she may find herself named as co-respondent if his dw seeks to divorce him for adultery.

MorrisZapp Tue 12-Jan-16 15:18:38

Worst case scenario is he lied to her about the overlap and somebody called her a slag for believing him.

Charming.

hoppy40 Tue 12-Jan-16 15:18:54

He has left the marital home.

Figwin Tue 12-Jan-16 15:20:27

That happened quickly...

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