Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

confused by new man

(67 Posts)
ella2332 Sun 10-Jan-16 21:18:39

I am seeing someone who sees to act very cold and distant after every date.

We are only on date 8, but we are sleeping together and we are pretty close as we knew each other a little bit before.

What he does is acts very intense with me most of the time. Lots of texting, lots of calling and attention and all the nice things like a call to say goodnight and a desire to know what I am up to and all of that. I feel like a very high priority.

Then we have a date, and he is always dead keen to see me. He always can't wait and one the day of the date he's texting me a countdown. Dead keen basically.

Then every. single. time. Without fail. Absolutely always right after our dates for two or three days he is really distant!!!

The difference is really noticable.

This goes on for somewhere between two days and a week and then he goes back to normal like nothing happenned.

I know it's a new relaitonship and don't mind giving someone space but I do find it quite odd and also find he inconsistency irritating.

At first I actually thought I was being ghosted it was that diffrent. He acted totally distant after our first date to the point I thought I;d never see him again then a few day ago he told me that it was the best first date of his life and one of his best memories.

Can anyone shed any light?

ImperialBlether Sun 10-Jan-16 21:22:28

Do you think it's worth talking to him? Frankly, if I slept with someone who did that, I wouldn't see them again after the first time they did it. Don't let yourself be gaslighted, with him saying he doesn't do anything wrong.

ella2332 Sun 10-Jan-16 21:28:19

I have talked to him about it.

His first response was to deny he knew what I was talking about, and then when we got closer he told me it was fear of getting too close too fast.

You know, really, I am not sure what to think. Whether to be patient or whether to just decide the behavior is selfish and immature.

I reacted the first few times getting upset, and now I react by just ignoring and getting on with my life.

I have to admit since I did that it got better. He now does contact me every day without fail - so a big improvement - it's just that the tone is so diferrent!

I do need a bit more consistency but am wondering if so early in a bit more patience might be wise (we do really like each other) or if he might just be some sort of abuser and these are rd flags or something!!!

MidnightVelvetthe4th Sun 10-Jan-16 21:28:57

Is it a possibility he's not being attentive, more checking to see what you are doing/who you are with when he isn't there?

Is it possible that he's married or in another relationship and the cold periods that coincide just after your having sex mean that he feels shitty for a couple of days but once he has justified it to himself he's ok to pick up where he left off?

Sorry OP, it's probably not what you wanted to hear...

msrisotto Sun 10-Jan-16 21:29:37

God that sounds like a proper head fuck! As Imperial said, i'd tread carefully here actually. It's only early in the relationship and already you're having mind games. I'd be straight with him, see what he says.

bodenbiscuit Sun 10-Jan-16 21:30:12

He sounds like he has intimacy issues. Do you know about his past relationships? People like this tend to back off quickly after sex and like relationships to be controlled by them so that they can cope.

TPel Sun 10-Jan-16 21:37:22

What a Fuckwit. He is happy enough to get close enough to have sex, but then gets worried it is happening to quickly.

I wouldn't put up with that nonsense.

ella2332 Sun 10-Jan-16 21:38:28

Definitely not married. I have been to his house and met his friends. Ben to his work. Met people there. I won't discount the possibility he texts other people, but I think it's probably unlikely he is seeing someone else just down to the sheer amount of time he spends talking to me at night.

He has mentioned having some issues with getting close to people. He calls it having "walls" but the thing is he is not always like that. Jeckyll and Hyde, so as PP said - yes - can be a right headfuck.

His past relationship history isn't the best. He has only really had one relationship before and we have talked about that an awful lot and from what I understand the break up left him depressed and in quite a state for a very long time.

Do you think it's about that?

bodenbiscuit Sun 10-Jan-16 21:40:15

It could be but it isn't your problem - it's his. If I were you I would think carefully about continuing with him. Emotionally unavailable people are extremely hard work.

ella2332 Sun 10-Jan-16 21:40:49

Cross post there.

You think it's all about sex and once he's had it he wants space so we don't get too close?

bodenbiscuit Sun 10-Jan-16 21:41:05

And how old is he?

ella2332 Sun 10-Jan-16 21:48:12

30

bodenbiscuit Sun 10-Jan-16 21:52:27

Doesn't really sound like normal behaviour, especially if he's 30.

SelfLoathing Sun 10-Jan-16 21:56:28

Here's a man's thoughts on a similar issue. Not saying I agree or disagree just posting it as it's a similar problem and thought you may find it food for thought.

www.anewmode.com/dating-relationships/guy-withdraws-sex/

Threefishys Sun 10-Jan-16 21:56:44

Maybe he feels like he's seen you, had a lovely time and enjoys the little gap in between of missing you and builiding up to the next time he sees you which appears to be a week or so later... Is there anything massively wrong with that if that's what it is?

Morganly Sun 10-Jan-16 21:57:13

So when you were upset he carried on doing it but once you seemed not to be so bothered and were getting on with your life independently, he made a bit more effort? That would worry me.

It looks like he didn't care that you were upset and only started to make a very minimal sort of effort when it looked as if you weren't going to put up with the total cold shoulder.

Whoknewitcouldbeso Sun 10-Jan-16 21:59:02

It sounds to me like he works at texting you pre sex and once the pressure is off his balls he lets it slide. Doesn't sound much like love to me I'm afraid.

Whoknewitcouldbeso - agree entirely!

ella2332 Sun 10-Jan-16 22:01:56

Ummm, no Morganly...I think it's more that as we get closer he has come to understand what I need so he kind of sends messages to check I am okay or whatever. He definitely didn't enjoy me being upset!

Yes, look I am stuck between wondering if it's the normal male rubber band theory or just his balls not aching!

I don't know whether it's normal or offensive but it's not what I have experinced before.

I did know him for a long time before we became a couple and he was always actually up and down with communication even as friends.

0dfod Sun 10-Jan-16 22:04:50

He seems rather hard work Op, why continue?

ella2332 Sun 10-Jan-16 22:05:43

If I am 100% honest with myself, I do think his sexual attraction to me is abnormally high. The strongest I have ever seen anyone have for anyone. To the point where I know he Googled what to do about constant erections because since we have been seeing each other I have popped into his mind and he has had 10 or more a day at work and he was having to sit in certain position to relieve pain in his testacles. Sorry if that's a bit TMI but it's been very intense on the physical side and I know he's been struggling with getting anything done. So maybe in that sense if us having sex all night 10 times means he does not need to think about me every minute of every day for a few days that might be normal, rather than unflatterring?

I don't think it is all aout the sex with us, from the way he acts and the thing we do he does seem quit smitten

Threefishys Sun 10-Jan-16 22:09:49

Then you need to relax. Happy pairings are not about text frequency surely?

ella2332 Sun 10-Jan-16 22:13:37

No they're not but I just was worried a bit that it was a bad sign that he wasn't dependable or healthy or whatever. it is very strange! His messages aren't even friendly!!!!

It's not like he send one funny message about our great night with an emoticon. It's almost like he doesn't want to speak to me at all.

Threefishys Sun 10-Jan-16 22:18:25

Can I ask you, if you saw a friend at weekend, had a nice time etc...would you peeved if she didn't text you all the time up until you saw her again? I'm going to say no. You'd trust that she's your friend she'd had a good time and you'll hear from her next time you're seeing her probably - you wouldn't analyse her level of contact post meeting would you? Treat you man as you treat your mates - some good advice I was once given. That means trusting them, enjoying them, giving them slack sometimes and letting them be Really, safe in the knowledge they value you. Has worked for me.

ella2332 Sun 10-Jan-16 22:21:12

He seems rather hard work Op, why continue?

Short answer is that I really, really fancy him!

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now