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What is fair here? Ex problem..

(54 Posts)
Redhound Sat 09-Jan-16 16:11:24

My abusive ex wants to come over for a day to scan our old photos. We were together for 15 years so there are a lot of photos and as he has a commercial scanner he could do it all in a day. I've offered to scan them gradually and send them to him but he is insisting this would take years and he wants to come round next week. I don't want to part with the photos at all as it took me ages to get them back last time so would not be happy with him taking them away to do. Much as he was horrible to me and does not deserve consideration, it seems unfair to deny him this as they are shared photos of holidays etc. I can control the situation as I can lock him in a section of the house and I have a savage dog which would shred him if he tried anything! But I know that seeing him again would upset me as I did love him despite his treatment of me. He is very manipulative. WWYD?

spudlike1 Sat 09-Jan-16 16:18:45

Is he violent aggressive .

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted Sat 09-Jan-16 16:18:55

Manipulative and abusive? I wouldn't let him step over the bloody threshold! You have the photos, so you're in charge of them. He can either wait until you scan and send them or fuck off and do without.

kittybiscuits Sat 09-Jan-16 16:19:59

'That doesn't work for me. Let me know if you want me to scan and send them'. Unless he's being an uncooperative arse about other matters. Then it's just 'No'.

Morasssassafras Sat 09-Jan-16 16:26:29

It seems unfair for him to insist on coming to your home when it's going to upset you.

I've no idea of the cost but would it be possible to get duplicates made?

Redhound Sat 09-Jan-16 16:26:48

Thanks for the thoughts! I have already said what kittybiscuits said, but he is emailing more persistently. I am uneasy about saying 'no' as we haven't yet sorted out financial matters (house money and a large loan he owes- he is not being great with this but we are slowly getting there) plus another matter not yet resolved which could have major implications. So I don't want to make him turn awkward on such matters if just a day of putting up with him means an easier, quicker settlement. Spud- he was violent sometimes; I have a permanently damaged arm thanks to this charmer! But my dog would protect me and I really don't think he would do anything now.

Redhound Sat 09-Jan-16 16:27:32

Morass- he wants digital copies only. He's a bit OCD about that sort of thing

Redhound Sat 09-Jan-16 16:28:38

I think you are right Bitter -I just wanted to check I was not being unreasonable. I would be gutted though if I lost old photos so I can empathise with him

Sprig1 Sat 09-Jan-16 16:28:52

Why not jut let him come and do it and get the whole thing over and done with, rather than dragging it out over a prolonged period of time. I am sure if you were posting with the boot on the other foot then we would all be saying to not be allowed to come and do the photos was unfair.

Fourormore Sat 09-Jan-16 16:29:11

Can he lend you his scanner? Not will he, but can he?

Angleshades Sat 09-Jan-16 16:32:46

Op are you sure this is just about photos? It sounds like he's trying to manipulate you into getting into your house for the day and I can't see why anyone would want to do this just for photos. Tough on him if it takes you years to scan them bit by bit. If he's violent and manipulative I really wouldn't let him in at all. He has no need to be in your house at all. Yours and your dc's safety comes first, keep him out.

Morasssassafras Sat 09-Jan-16 16:33:47

You pay for the reprints and then he can scan them wherever he wants. It may be too costly but it would stop him coming to your house so it may be worth it.

Redhound Sat 09-Jan-16 16:35:46

Four, good idea but I live too far away for that really, nearly 200 miles and he only has the scanner for a very short time (ie next week).
Sprig you make a good point too! Except surely if someone is very abusive they lose some rights?
Angle, I dont think there is an ulterior motive. He was trying to get me back but we have both moved on now. I am childfree so any danger is only to myself and really the dog would rip his b*lls off if he looked at me funny! The house can be sectioned off so he cant get into the main area.

Redhound Sat 09-Jan-16 16:39:20

Morass that's a great idea but as he only has the commercial scanner for another week I won't be able to get them done in time (I also work).
It would be very costly too as there are 15 years worth. I also havent sorted them out since the move

Morasssassafras Sat 09-Jan-16 16:40:13

Okay it sounds like you're leaning towards letting him come. Could you have somebody with you the whole time?

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted Sat 09-Jan-16 16:41:17

He's manipulative so I doubt this is purely about some photos. He's angling to get into your home for some reason. Therefore I would do anything to ensure he stays the fuck out.

As he's manipulative I'd be figuring he's going to be a pain in the arse about the financial settlement anyway and letting him in to scan the photos wouldn't necessarily make any difference.

If a permanently damaged arm doesn't make you want to put a great deal of physical distance between you and him I don't know what will! Keep the bastard away from you.

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted Sat 09-Jan-16 16:44:56

*"He only has the commercial scanner for another week*"

Yeah, right.

Can we add "liar" to abuser and manipulator? I reckon we can.

Redhound Sat 09-Jan-16 16:48:54

Morass I really haven't decided yet. I can't think of anything else today which is a pain. I can see both sides which is why I am posting on here for objective views. The only day I can do next week due to work is Tuesday so I would be alone, bar the evil hound.
Bitter -you know, I really dont know about the ulterior motive. He is very OCD about things and I think I would feel the same about photos, they are very precious to me.
I don't tend to feel fear of violence that much for some reason, which is why I dont feel worried about him in that way. Clearly I should though.
I am just too nice (read 'bit of a pushover') normally and though I try to be tough it doesnt come naturally! He is being devious about the financial side too already.

Redhound Sat 09-Jan-16 16:50:09

Haha yes he is a good liar and gas lighter too Bitter but I THINK this is genuine! It ties in with his job

DoreenLethal Sat 09-Jan-16 16:50:27

I would scan a selection in for myself and post him the actual photos and say 'never' to letting him in my house ever again.

Morasssassafras Sat 09-Jan-16 16:56:10

If you have to be alone then I wouldn't do it. I think given he has history it's more of a risk than I'd be prepared to take.

kittybiscuits Sat 09-Jan-16 16:57:02

I think it's time to ignore. The idea that being considerate towards this violent, abusive dick is going to encourage him to be any more reasonable about financial settlement is a fantasy. I think a lot of people on this thread are saying what they would do in a fairly civilized separation with a generally reasonable person. But that's not your situation at all.

spudlike1 Sat 09-Jan-16 17:01:26

Yes I agree ..don't let him in

Redhound Sat 09-Jan-16 17:06:51

Thanks for the further thoughts. Kitty I think you are spot on there. People who haven't dealt with abusers before cannot grasp how bizarrely they behave. But it is more the moral implications that are influencing me than financial ones. I like to do the 'right' thing but am not quite sure what it is here..

kittybiscuits Sat 09-Jan-16 17:10:53

I am exactly the same. It makes it very hard to make decisions when you are someone who strives to 'do the right thing' but dealing with someone who is abusive and exploitative. You have to act outside of your own moral code in order to protect yourself. You know this too smile

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