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Mothers with kids from different dads?

(13 Posts)
Sonia2213 Sat 09-Jan-16 12:26:40

Following my last post in thinking my marriage may be coming to an end, how do women do the whole kids from different dads thing? My 7 year old is shared custody but I have a 1 year old with husband and can't imagine he will be to have her as much as he works a lot, feel like a failure and embarrassment....

Cabrinha Sat 09-Jan-16 12:45:18

The failure would be your 1yo's dad bit stepping up to his childcare responsibilities and also just being a parent.

He can change his working hours the way millions of parents do?

I would start with a proposal to him that matches closely to your older child's time away - so you get a break.

Sonia2213 Sat 09-Jan-16 12:49:31

I just feel like any man would run a mile if they found out both my kids were from different dads and also my name, would I keep my exes so I have at least one of their names? I'm happy for him not to have LO much tbh she's got a complex diet and I don't trust him to actually help her, I feel like a Jeremy Kyle guest.

offside Sat 09-Jan-16 12:58:25

Myself and my brothers all have different dad's. My DF (I don't know my biological sperm donor) took us all on and has been with my DM for 30 years.

I suppose the difference with my situation though is that our biological dad's weren't in the picture.

Owllady Sat 09-Jan-16 13:00:22

Sonia, there is nothing wrong with having two children with two different men. Don't buy into all this misogynistic stereotypical bullshit. You have nothing to be embarrassed about.

Cabrinha Sat 09-Jan-16 13:01:22

Names aren't important.
If you don't want one child to have a different name, then you could revert to your maiden name and all there have your own surname.
My daughter has her father's name - I never changed mine when we married. Doesn't matter.

As for men running a mile at you having 2 kids / 2 dads...
It's really common, so JK would tell you to try harder to get a slot on TV grin. Seriously - it's too dull. Meh. So so common!

But really, now is not the time (in fact, never is the time) to be worrying about what men think. Do what's right for you, life doesn't revolve around men!

FWIW though, I'd happily date a man who had 2 kids with different mothers.

AliveAlone Sat 09-Jan-16 13:02:04

Any man who runs away because of that isn't worth having.

I have 2 children with different fathers. Dh isn't bothered, if he had been bothered I would have shown him the door! I don't have the same last name as either of my children or my husband. It doesn't matter. They are still my children and husband.

I remember worrying about this stuff when we first split up but after the dust settled it all seemed much less important.

PatSharpIsMyBoyfriend Sat 09-Jan-16 13:11:08

It's unfortunate, but it happens - perhaps too often. I have children with different fathers, but ended up meeting a man who took us all on, is loving and caring, earns a very good living and we are happily building a life together. In fact, I think it took my failed relationships to realise the kind of man I wanted to be with and deserved. I would've also happily lived a life alone if I hadn't met anyone who could see beyond the fact that I was a single mother with children, who had different dads!

You can't live a life based on what other people think of you, or it would never be a happy one! These kinds of situations are never ideal, but you just have to keep living and get on with it.

PysgodMawr Sat 09-Jan-16 13:12:16

OP, be proud and very gentle and loving with yourself.

This perspective - the stereotype of a Jeremy Kyle guest - is deeply misogynistic. I have had people say to me that they "never would have imagined it of me" (!) when they hear about my family set up.

It is similar to hearing : " I'm not racist but..." or : " I don't really consider you as black, you are just you... which 2 of my DC also experience ...

Ignorant and judgemental , even if only thoughtless and unconsidered.

I have five children by three men. I was married to two of them, but they left. This first when I was pg with dd2, the second when dd4 was 2. I wanted both of those marriages to work , and to last.Both exh's have been sporadic with contact and money, and have gone on to live life as single men ,doing whatever they want.

Dd5 has no contact with her father, who became violent when I was pg, although no previous signs. I had thought that we were going to have a settled relationship, as did the older dc.

I have maintained ft professional career and mortgage and do all I can for my DC. I have had other BF's since, but would never marry or even live together again.

Who is the "Jeremy Kyle guest " in this story? Not me, and not my DC.

It is deeply disappointing and very hard work. But absolutely nothing to be ashamed or embarrassed about.

Shameandregret Sat 09-Jan-16 17:18:53

It's a non issue OP.

I have 3 dc's, 2 different dads and last night I had 3 different men, all aware of the situation with my dc's messaging me and trying to arrange dates. Why?

I'm 36, look quite good for my age but most importantly I'm pretty interesting. It is so common that people have dc's nowadays and are dating.

I asked one of the three what they thought of me having dc's? His response? You can't be bothered about someone having dc's at our age. It's not an issue. In the last year I dated someone 8 years younger than me. Didn't bother him either. Don't insult yourself or men in general to think attraction is based on stuff like this!

Btw I would never introduce my dc's to someone unless I had been seeing them a year +++. I like to keep my parenting separate from dating and I can do that. Meh.

waitingtogohome Sat 09-Jan-16 19:41:27

I really needed to read those wonderful responses tonight so thanks for starting this OP. Soon enough, I will have two DC with two different fathers. I've definitely used the Jeremy Kyle insult to describe myself since my last relationship broke down. It broke down due to violence so why I'm berating me deciding to end things, I dont know. Now, if I'd have stayed with him, that would be reason to berate myself.

I dare say we've all just tried to do what we can to make things better for our children.

Kotiro09 Sun 10-Jan-16 05:55:58

I dont have kids with different dads but my mum was married 3 time all to abusive men. And she was the most amazing mum growing up. My father was slack and didnt pay much attention you dont know how much your children love you dont belittle yourself you'll pull through and let me tell you there are 7 of us and mum found someone to love her for her so be kind to yourself. Love yourself and you'll find someone who will love your kids just as much as you

Fairylea Sun 10-Jan-16 06:30:21

It happens far more than people realise to far more people. Please don't feel bad. It certainly won't change the way someone feels about you if they really like you, ether as a friend or in a romance sense!

People are always shocked when they find out I'm in my third marriage. I'm only 35 and have two children to two of the men. I would have had a third with my middle dh if our ivf had worked. People always say I don't seem the "type" (as if there's a type! Just proving there isn't!) my first dh was my dds dad, he was horribly controlling and I left him after 4 years together when dd was 6 months old, I then was with someone else until she was 6 or 7 and then he left me for someone else... (!) I then met and married my now dh and we have a ds together. I don't ever talk about being married before and most people would think dd is dhs as well as ds.

It doesn't make you a bad person to have dc with more than one person. Circumstances mean these things do happen more regularly than people think.

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