Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

found husband on gay website

(178 Posts)
emandems Thu 07-Jan-16 15:55:03

found through my husbands email he was on a gay website gaydar. he said he isnt gay but why on a dating site? he said he didnt know if he was?
he said he got abused as a kid in public toilet so he just wanted to make sure he wasnt gay, but dont know if he telling truth. im soo sad

Gruntfuttock Thu 07-Jan-16 15:58:45

confused bizarre

DramaAlpaca Thu 07-Jan-16 16:01:07

How odd.

Did you mean to post in AIBU?

GummyBunting Thu 07-Jan-16 16:03:32

Sexuality is a funny, funny thing. This doesn't automatically mean he's gay.
It sounds like he needs some help.

Polgara25 Thu 07-Jan-16 16:12:45

Get an STD check.

noeffingidea Thu 07-Jan-16 16:14:45

It's possible he is gay or bi, or even just a little bit 'bicurious'. Some people think that human sexual orientation is a spectrum, with most people falling somewhere between 'homo' and 'hetero'.
Having said that, he really shouldn't be going behind your back. You are entitled to honesty and not to be cheated on in any way, the same as if he was on a 'straight' dating site.
Can only suggest you talk to him and tell him you want to know the truth. He may just be confused, who knows.

BumWad Thu 07-Jan-16 16:17:13

Bi maybe? I'd be worried if my DH was on a gay webaite

MitzyLeFrouf Thu 07-Jan-16 16:17:29

A gay friend of mine says he sees a lot of 'straight' married men online looking for sex.

I'd be very suspicious. Just as I'd be very suspicious if I found him on a straight dating website.

MintyBojingles Thu 07-Jan-16 16:18:29

Sounds like you need to talk this through, he might be genuinely confused, if so especially given the abuse, counselling might be helpful here. He shouldn't be going on dating websites behind your back, or testing out his sexuality behind your back.

Shadow1986 Thu 07-Jan-16 16:22:29

So sorry you're going through this must have been such a shock.

Straight or or gay website, you're married he should not be on there full stop.

I would be livid. This would be a deal breaker for me. If he's signed up to a gay website behind your back what else has he been doing behind your back. I would chuck him out.

Hoppinggreen Thu 07-Jan-16 16:28:47

Him being Gay isn't the man issue here, him being on a dating website is.
I have gay friends who sleep with a lot of "straight" married men, if your DH has issues stemming from his past he needs to discuss there properly with professionals rather than be unfaithful to you with someone of any gender.

catfordbetty Thu 07-Jan-16 16:30:23

I have gay friends who sleep with a lot of "straight" married men

They shouldn't.

MitzyLeFrouf Thu 07-Jan-16 16:32:17

People shouldn't cheat but they do.

UndramaticPause Thu 07-Jan-16 16:33:30

Cheating is cheating regardless of orientation. If he wants to experiment show him the door.

Hoppinggreen Thu 07-Jan-16 16:41:28

Agreed catford
They work in the leisure industry and deal with a lot of conference delegates, IF even half of what they tell me is true they "score" most weekends.
I don't like or agree with it but it makes me how many straight men want a one off gay experience with no strings.

Whatdoidohelp Thu 07-Jan-16 16:41:31

Whether he has been abused or not he shouldn't be soliciting partners on a website. Gay or otherwise.

Hoppinggreen Thu 07-Jan-16 16:42:53

Amazes me I meant.

ImperialBlether Thu 07-Jan-16 16:47:18

A guy I worked with who is gay said the same - there are tons of married men on gay websites. The worst he told me about was someone who was in his group of friends - mid-thirties, married but separated, three children. He liked young men (aged 18 or so) and never ever wore a condom. He suspected he might be HIV+ because he'd found out a couple of men he'd slept with were. He also slept with his wife occasionally. If he'd told me this man's full name I would've reported him to the police.

BettyBi0 Thu 07-Jan-16 16:48:39

Lots of 'straight' married men have casual gay sex. For him to be on gaydar he's definitely at least curious. From friends who've used it I'd say gaydar was more for quick casual hook ups than anything. You definitely need to talk about what both of your boundaries and expectations are.

Polgara25 Thu 07-Jan-16 16:50:52

Doesn't matter if he is gay, bi or whatever.

I went through this with an ex - found him on a gay shagging app. He denied it - I accepted his denials but never forgot.

I eventually found out that he really was cheating on me.

Don't waste any more of your life on this man.

lexlees Thu 07-Jan-16 16:51:25

You poor thing. You must be feel like your whole world is collapsing around you.

The excuse he gave was completely lame. Nobody goes on a gay dating website to figure out if they are gay or not. They do it for a more pernicious reason.

Be suspicious. It sounds like he is planning to be unfaithful - or has already potentially been.

To be devils advocate - I have never heard of the site - is it really a dating site? Perhaps he really didn't know it was. What was the content of the email? Was it a date request or some other thing?

You need to have a proper talk to him.

I had a friend who found her bf's of 11 years' secret stash of 'videos' and 'toys' and it said he had been 'experimenting' - she let it slide (stupidly). Then a year later he had given her a STD (not HIV thankfully). She kicked him out. She learned that he died from AIDs six years later.

BettyBi0 Thu 07-Jan-16 16:51:49

Can we have a bit less of the homophobic STD frenzy please?

Isn't the OP's concern about his fidelity and possibly hidden sexuality? Any unfaithful partner having unprotected sex could put someone at risk of an STD ffs

UndramaticPause Thu 07-Jan-16 16:53:27

I thought hepatitis and ghonnereea were the main cause for concern amongst gay men these days.

MitzyLeFrouf Thu 07-Jan-16 16:56:26

lexlees gaydar is probably the most popular gay dating/hookup website so it's unlikely he ended up there by mistake.

LovelyFriend Thu 07-Jan-16 16:56:48

Yes IME (and I have many gay male friends with direct experience of this one way or another), "Straight" married men having regular sexual hook ups or affairs with gay men is VERY common.

Many of these chaps will swear blind they are straight - but they simply like to shag men confused

I'm afraid it's extremely common and I think you should investigate further OP.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now