Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

My family don't like my new partner

(8 Posts)
Lovemusic33 Thu 07-Jan-16 12:29:05

Over Christmas I introduce my new partner to my mum and my step dad, I have had a few issues with my step dad over the 5 years or so he has been with my mum, he's one of those people who thinks he knows everything, he has strong political views which makes him boarder line racist and has made several inapropriate comments towards me and my children, because I have not wanted to upset my mum I have kind of put up with it and kept my mouth shut.

So I took new partner over to their house for half an hour, my new partner was obviously nervous but tried to make conversation, they asked him what he did for work so he explained ( he has a good job and went into quite a bit of detail ), step dad was a bit rude and made a few comments that were not really appropriate and he made some comments about me and my past which I wasn't happy about, we didn't stay long as I felt that my step dad was being a prick. A few days later we were at a family event and again my step dad upset me with a comment about my daughter that was really upsetting ( my daughter has special needs ) and he practically blanked my new partner as did my mum.

I went to visit my mum yesterday and she told me I shouldn't trust my new partner as there's something about him they don't like, she also said 'we think everything he says is lies', I was very upset so went to talk to another family member who I am quite close too, she informed me that she had bumped into my mum and my mum had told her about my new partner and how they didn't like him because he thinks he knows everything hmm, my mum also said that he was acting like he had known my dc's for years when he had only known them a month and that made them feel uneasy.

A few weeks ago my mum was fine about me being with someone and now she's being all funny with me, I'm sure my step dad has put all these thoughts in her head, I can see why they maybe worried, I haven't been single for long ( though dh and I were living together our relationship was over years ago, we stayed together because of the kids but didn't sleep together ), I am ready to move on, I have found someone I really like/love, he treats me well, my dc's like him and there's no major issues other than the fact he is still married ( and so am I ). My step dad just seems to clash with him and seems to think he's using me ( I am a single mum to 2 kids with sn's, I have no money, I don't own my home and at the moment I am not working so I'm not sure why he would use me?).

I am really upset that after meeting him a couple times briefly they have decided they don't like him, they don't know him and I feel my step dad has no right to judge as he's far from perfect, I feel like he has brain washed my mum, I now don't feel like visiting them, my partner knows they don't like him so now I can't take him over there. I feel sad, although my mum hasn't been the best mum I don't want to fall out with her but I don't want her upsetting me every time I see her and I don't want my step dad ripping me apart every time I go over ( which he does all the time ), he calls me lazy because I don't work, I am a carer for my daughter and cannot get childcare ( they have never offered to help and I have no one else ), he calls me a benefit scrounger and he this I sleep around, I don't want to be around him but he is always there when I visit my mum.

What do I do? I don't want them thinking that my new partner has taken me away from them or stopped my mum from seeing her grandchildren but I am not going to finish with my partner just because 'they have a feeling something is not right about him', this about way more than my new partner, it's just the icing on the cake after putting up with his rude comments for years.

Sorry for the long post grin

whatdoIget Thu 07-Jan-16 12:38:36

Your mum's partner sounds horrible. I don't think he deserves to be called your step dad tbh. I would cut contact down a lot if you don't want to cut contact completely. Your mum sounds like she doesn't have a mind of her own unfortunately

Lovemusic33 Thu 07-Jan-16 12:48:59

I have cut contact a little, I usually see them every weekend and phone my mum during the week, she has started phoning me and moaning because I havnt been over to see them. I am finding it hard not to snap but I know if I do he will tear me apart sad he really isn't a nice man. Problem is my brother and his partner are really close to him and they will side with him and my mum over me, meaning I won't get to see my nephew sad.

I think I will stay away as much as I can, if my mum really wants to see me she can come to my house without him.

SpeechlessInSeattle Thu 07-Jan-16 12:52:24

Your step dad sounds very insecure and controlling. He obviously felt threatened by your partner being 'the new younger man' in the family dynamics, so he's taking steps to have him alienated.

He's also a coward because he's using your mum to pass on his opinions - thus she is enabling him.

You do not have to see your step dad at all. Your mum you could invite her to yours -on her own - or ask to meet up with her for a coffee.

This man, this step 'dad', has to earn respect as well as give it to others. It seems he does neither.

Decide what you want from your life, and what you want in it, and settle for nothing less.....and do it now, before he drains you completely, and before you know it, you're facing your 60's - just like I was before I faced mine.

I'm now totally no contact, have moved many miles away, and finally feel at peace.

schlong Thu 07-Jan-16 12:56:58

Your step dad is a nasty fucker. What are you waiting for to go NC other than your own masochism? Your mum's a downtrodden, oppressed numpty. Get rid and be happy with new fella or without. They don't deserve you, frankly. Do not be swayed by their prejudiced opinion of bf. Will they lose out in any way if you strengthen your bond with this man? Or does he just show your idiot step dad up by being a sane, nice human being? Poor you.

ToastyFingers Thu 07-Jan-16 13:04:00

Wow, your stepdad is a racist disablist moron with no respect for you or your family, and you're asking how best to placate him? my mums partner is like this, I told him so, and I don't see him at all now, god my life is better for it.

If you don't want him to think this has anything to do with your new partner, you need to make it clear this isn't the case, citing stepdad's ignorant offensive behavior and then tell him to fuck right off. Life is too short to humour people like that.

scribblegirl Thu 07-Jan-16 13:18:12

I'd point out to your mum that you've put up with her choice of partner (despite the fact he's a c*nt) for the past god knows how long out of your respect and love for her, and you're disappointed that she can't do the same for you, even if she doesn't like like him.

I'd then go on to add that in a way it's a relief that she's told you she doesn't like him because that means we can get everything out in the open about disliking each other's partners. I'd then tell her exactly what I thought of him before letting her know that you won't be communicating with him ever again.

Lovemusic33 Thu 07-Jan-16 14:07:36

Thank you, I'm going to try not to get too stressed about it ( have spent long enough stressing over it), if and when my mum phones me I will suggest that she comes to my house if she wants to see me, I do t need to have contact with him.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now