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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Feel like DP has really let me down :-(

74 replies

showsomeclass · 07/01/2016 11:05

Need to have a rant!!!

So my DP lives about an hour away and we normally see each other weekends, I typically go over to his. We spent almost two weeks together over Christmas and when I was leaving, I said I felt really sad to leave as we had spent so much time together and it would be hard to be apart for a week before I saw him again. I don't normally open up like that to him. He was lovely, put his arms around me and said he didn't want me to be sad and promised to come and see me during the week.

He hasn't.

I'm due to go to his tomorrow night for the weekend again so there's no point now anyway

He's had plenty of opportunities but has gone to his local pub for the evening instead. He even said in a text on Tuesday night that he was still coming to see me but doesn't know when

I'm so annoyed and upset!!! Just feel like I'm putting all the effort in here and he doesn't give a shit about my feelings. When we're together, it's heavenly and we have a great time.. I know it's only a small thing but it would have meant so much to me if he had made the effort and stuck to what he had promised

Feel poo

OP posts:

Report

SlaggyIsland · 07/01/2016 11:15

I'd feel let down by that as well.
How long have you two been seeing each other?

Jan45 · 07/01/2016 11:16

Stop looking to him to fill in the gaps then and find your own entertainment - he's clearly happy with just weekends, if you want more tell him, if he can't give you that, move on.

hellsbellsmelons · 07/01/2016 11:26

Is there a reason you always to go to his place?
What is wrong with yours?
I would want this to change if it's feasible.
One weekend at his and the next at mine, etc....

Glitter2014 · 07/01/2016 11:33

Id just make plans for the weekend and not go to his, show him your not going to be the only one making an effort!! Sounds like he just wants a weekend g/f...

showsomeclass · 07/01/2016 11:34

I don't mind the fact that I go to his really - we have more privacy there and I'm friends with his friends now etc

I don't even mind only seeing him at weekends normally (I do want more in future though) - it's just really upset me that I opened up to him which I don't normally do because it makes me feel vulnerable and afraid of rejection etc, and when I did, he made a promise and hasn't kept it. I don't know why I feel so hurt about this specifically!

Been seeing each other for about 2 years SlaggyIsland!!

When we're together, he treats me so well and seems like he genuinely wants to be with me, involves me with his friends and family - we're a solid couple to everyone else! We've even just booked tickets to go to California in April - so I just don't get it.

Part-time GF syndrome?

OP posts:

MardyGrave · 07/01/2016 11:36

Suggest he makes his way down to yours this weekend, if he can't be bothered that will tell you a lot.

Glitter2014 · 07/01/2016 11:36

It sounds as though you have a good relationship but if he had wanted to see you this week, he would have made the effort. He's broken his promise so if I were you id have a chat about it and see if there was a reason he didn't stick to what he said.

KinkyAfro · 07/01/2016 11:37

2 years! I thought you were going to say a few months. An hour away is nothing, DP and I did long distance for 5 years but we still managed to see other every weekend and once or twice in the week when he or I would stay over at the others.

showsomeclass · 07/01/2016 11:38

We already have plans helping with a house move over his way this weekend Mardy - he always has at weekends if I have suggested it before so I don't think it would be an issue.. it's just during the week. He seems to want it to himself - ie, not with me

OP posts:

showsomeclass · 07/01/2016 11:40

I will talk to him about it Glitter - Don't really know how to approach it though. I've opened up to him once and feel hurt as a result so might have to be more cross about it rather than emotional this time :-(

OP posts:

MardyGrave · 07/01/2016 11:42

I think he's got a pretty lovely lifestyle, working during the week and freedom to see his friends and pop into the pub of an evening, with a nice girlfriend coming to visit him at the weekends who slots into his life, have holidays and festive season with. What reason does he have to change things? He's provided with everything he needs. The question is, are you getting everything you need? Are you happy?

RatherBeRiding · 07/01/2016 11:44

Well do you both work? If he has to finish work, drive an hour to yours then have a long commute to wherever he has to be the next morning, he might think its all a bit of an effort.

I kind of get this. I work full-time and once I'm done after work, I'm done! I have to be up early so only get a few hours in the evening to unwind and an hour's drive plus presumably an hour back the next morning for work simply would not work for me.

IDontWantToBuildASnowman · 07/01/2016 11:48

I really don't want to sound mean, but 2 years in and seeing each other in this kind of pattern rings alarm bells for me. Also when you parted after Christmas, he said "I don't want you to feel sad" not, "me too, lets get together before next weekend" so it really does seem that you are in a relationship that is fine for his needs but which he is unlikely to take further if he hasn't in 2 years. Sorry, probably not what you wanted to hear, but if I were you I would have a sit down chat with him and explain that you want and need more out of a relationship than every weekend and see how he responds. Good luck though, you are clearly very fond of him and want this to work. I think you just need to give it a nudge to find out for both your sakes if it is heading in a direction that is healthy for you.

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 07/01/2016 11:54

I'm not sure if it's more strange that you're still only seeing him at weekends two years in, or that you don't open up to him.

After two years, you should be able to tell him how you feel. Perhaps you're both holding back and although it's been two years, you're both behaving like this is still a few months old?

bleedingheart · 07/01/2016 11:59

But the OP isn't demanding he come and see her in the week? It seems like he made the suggestion, referred to it again and still didn't come over.

Better to say 'I will miss you too but we'll see each other at the weekend' than making an offer you won't keep, surely?!

I would be feeling disappointed too.

bleedingheart · 07/01/2016 12:00

Sorry, thread had moved on I was responding to the question of the commute after work being a pain.

problembottom · 07/01/2016 12:02

He has a girlfriend turning up on weekends and in the week he can do his own thing. He's fully in control isn't he?

You, on the other hand, don't sound happy. Tell him you want more commitment! His response (by that I mean his actual actions not flowery words) will tell you what you need to know.

MerryMarigold · 07/01/2016 12:03

I think if it's 2 years into a relationship and it feels like you're being vulnerable to tell him you'll miss him when you don't see him all week, it's a bit of a shallow relationship. Most relationships would start there but not still be there after 2 years unless it was what you both wanted, had busy lives and basically after a bit of companionship at the weekend. It's not what I'd call a 'relationship' or a 'DP'.

Seems like he enjoys the company at the weekend, and a bit of sex, but really has his life set up for the week, and you don't fit into it. Sorry to be blunt.

showsomeclass · 07/01/2016 12:07

Rather - normally yes! I do (full-time) - he did have an extremely stressful demanding job that came to an end about 7 weeks ago and is currently looking for new opportunities which has been a bit of a rollercoaster for him to be fair

Idontwanttobuild Yeah, I'd rather have a gentle, subtle conversation rather than making a massive dealbreaking deal about it. I suppose I could ask him why he didn't come and see me during the week like he said he would? What I really want to say is "Why don't you ever attempt to see me during the week and is this ever going to bloody change"

AnchorDown We have taken things quite slowly and my opening up issue is a problem I have always had with him - probably because of being seriously hurt before and well, I like him so much it makes me feel really vulnerable and scared. I do think you have a point though, we progressed from seeing each other every other weekend to every. The element of excitement has always been there and part of me doesn't want to lose that either. I like missing him in a way and think it makes us appreciate each other when we are together. That being said, when it mattered, he has still let me down

OP posts:

KinkyAfro · 07/01/2016 12:25

So he's not working but still can't come and see you instead of you going up there?

showsomeclass · 07/01/2016 12:26

I can see that's how it would seem and perhaps you're right Merry. You wouldn't think that when we're together though - it's really strange and just doesn't make sense to me.

What do I do about it though? If I 'have the conversation' - I'm risking ending it myself and not sure I want to, but don't want to be just his weekend thing either. It really doesn't feel like that, he does so much for me when we're together.. really thoughtful things and seems genuinely 'in love'. He does communicate with me every day by text, FB and calls most nights. It's just this one time he said he would come and see me at his suggestion and then didn't, but managed to go to the pub every night, has really really really upset me

OP posts:

RosieMapleLeaf · 07/01/2016 12:36

I agree with PP who commented on his response when you said you would miss him - not that he would miss you too but that he didn't want you to be sad. That speaks volumes I think. It's like saying I love you and the other person says I'm glad you're happy.

And if I understand correctly, he isn't currently working but still couldn't make the effort.

After 2 years I would want more of a commitment to be honest.

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TheWildRumpyPumpus · 07/01/2016 12:41

Have you ever seen him during the week? At his or yours?

pinkdelight · 07/01/2016 12:42

I also find the opening up thing not good after two years. Even if you're in touch everyday, what are you really saying to each other if you're not opening up and being honest? Not that every conversation has to be deep, but either you feel you can be yourself with him or not. It sounds like you're holding back and insecure, even scared that you'll "risk ending it" yourself. That's no kind of carry on. Have the conversation. But not in a 'you've really really really upset me and you've been down the pub oblivious' way, that won't turn out well. Just use this misunderstanding as a way to find out if you both think you're having the same kind of relationship. You really should know whether he's genuinely 'in love' by now, ideally without the inverted commas. I remember my own two year relationship where I didn't know for sure how he felt and, even though I'd have denied it at the time, I was making more of an effort than I should have had to, to keep things going. Then when I met my DH, things felt so much easier, like I could be myself. Hopefully this is just a blip and your chat will put you on a surer footing, but don't be afraid of the consequences if not. Better to be open all the time rather than be holding back all the time in case what...? You're both honest?

Blodss · 07/01/2016 12:46

In what way has he committed to the relationship. Does he regularly stay at yours? Two years is often a make or break stage so has he talked about the future with you?

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