Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Do I move my children 200 miles?

(23 Posts)
cupcakesandwine Tue 05-Jan-16 22:37:01

I have an opportunity to buy and run a small business. The accounts look good and I believe they are genuine. I also believe there is scope for expansion with some hard work. It will not make me rich, but it will give me and the children a good standard of living and financial security.

At the moment I am stuck in London. I work, but though the money is good for my field it is not enough to be self sufficient. There is no chance of improving it significantly - my boss is lovely and pays me very well for what I do and I am in my fifties so there are not lots of alternatives.

I get maintenance for myself and my children from my very unpleasant exH to top up my current income. He delights in using it to jerk me around. I get frequent comments about how he is better then me because he earns more. He uses the money for power plays - it is never paid on time because he wants me to have to ask for it several times and every year he argues the toss about how much he should pay: Quote: "I agreed to pay you that because I felt guilty, [he cheated, multiply] but I don't feel guilty any more". We end up either in court or mediation every year over this. He is very wealthy. He remarried one of the OW.

I think I am pretty much at the point of selling my house and buying the business (which comes with accommodation) so that I can walk away from all this. I wouldn't give up on the maintenance for the children (which I bank for them anyway) because I can't see why they should lose out financially, but I would give up my claim on the basis that I never have to have any sort of contact with him again.

The children (teens) are not that keen on him, not helped by the fact that he leches all over his much younger wife in front of them which they find embarrassing . Youngest probably keenest and sees him about once a month.

Buying the business would mean uprooting me and the children about 200 miles away. Weekends are quite key for the business and I need to be present so I'm buggered if I am going to be facilitating access on weekends though he can have them for part of the school holidays if they want to go.

One of my DC is part way through Year 10 and moving part way through GCE's is obviously not ideal. I do wonder how different the syllabus can be though.

If I don't buy the business within the next few months (the plan would be to move at the end of this academic year), the opportunity simply will not be there again.

What would you do?

WitchWay Tue 05-Jan-16 22:41:13

I'd buy the business. Is there anyone who could manage it for you till after the GCSEs?

antimatter Tue 05-Jan-16 22:47:20

How old are your kids?

cupcakesandwine Tue 05-Jan-16 22:47:45

I might manage to persuade the current owners to stay on for another 18 months (unlikely as they also have a purchase in mind) BUT I need to sell my house to buy the business so I don't think that will work.

Racmactac Tue 05-Jan-16 22:48:11

you will need his permission to move, if he doesn't give it then you would have to go to Court although I cant forsee that being a problem.

as for the business - go for it

Tweennightmare Tue 05-Jan-16 22:48:56

Sorry unless you can do as Witchway suggests there is no way I would be buying the business and moving my DC half way through their GCSE's . there will be other opportunities next year but these school years could determine your whole DC's future, you need to do the best for them at the moment but no harm in planning your escape

PrimeDirective Tue 05-Jan-16 22:52:15

The GCSEs would worry me.
Exam boards could be different, you might not be able to take the same options, they might have done some of the units in a different order.
If you go at the end of summer term, that's going to be over half the course done.
Is there any way of hanging on until June next year?
Have you spoken to your kids about moving so far away? That's a big move for them.

cupcakesandwine Tue 05-Jan-16 22:52:31

13, 14 and 18. It is also relevant that the 14 year old (Year 10) is being bullied at school (think high achieving private London schools with lots of messed up kids) and cries most days at the thought of going to school.

I have spoken to the school but the bullying is all quite subtle - friendly one minute, blanking the next, snide remarks which could be taken in two ways etc and they can't control it. Poor kid sometimes spends lunchtime hiding in the loos to get away from it.

Justaboy Tue 05-Jan-16 22:53:14

If i were you?. I'd go for it and try and you'll never know until you have. Looks to me like you have reasoned it out well and have the right approach.

As to the children a friend of mind has uprooted his and her breed and their now 400 odd miles away but their living in a seaside town which has its compensations for them there're just 3 and 5 years old but are loving their new home.

Course your's are older perhaps some research into local schools might be an idea I expect there a MN branch nearby?, but its a gutsy thing to be doing. I do wish you well:-).

cupcakesandwine Tue 05-Jan-16 23:02:19

Racmactac - I think I'd win in court because the reasons for moving are sensible and it's within the UK. I'd make his consent a condition of giving up my payment - he loves money - I think he'd take it.

Tween and Prime - the GCSE's are my biggest concern too, but (i) I'm not sure whether the bullying will affect my DC grades anyway and (ii) as my eldest has shown, you can always take them again.

The children don't want to move, they have been brought up in London and that is all they know, but realistically no child is ever going to take the option of change voluntarily.

My eldest has SN (aspie and ADHD) and will always need my financial support (his dad's support runs out soon because of his age). The business definitely offers the best chance of giving him financial security as long as I stay healthy. I'd obviously have to do some succession planning.

The other thing is that my job in London might not be secure. I was unemployed for a long time before getting this. The company I work for is fab and I love the job and the people, but it is a start up and one deal falling through could finish it off.

cupcakesandwine Tue 05-Jan-16 23:05:32

Thanks Justaboy. We'd be within a few miles of the sea and open moorland too. Very good quality of life hopefully.

Goodbetterbest Tue 05-Jan-16 23:11:12

I moved Up North from London 5 years ago and am really pleased I did - for all of us. And the chance to live by the Coast? I'd do it in a heartbeat. London is unique and wonderful for many reasons but it's not all there is.

Agree the sticking point is your DC doing GCSEs but it's not impossible. I'd speak to the school they'd go I and see what support they can offer. I'd think it's entirely do-able.

VoyageOfDad Tue 05-Jan-16 23:12:53

I know this won't be a popular view, but he's still their dad, you may not like him very much now, i assume you used to, but unless he's a danger to your kids and he loves them his opinion on the matter has some bearing.

cupcakesandwine Tue 05-Jan-16 23:23:48

Voyage yes he is their dad, but even when we were married I was always pretty much a sole parent. He has an extremely short fuse and is very intolerant which is why the eldest won't see him. He has always pretended that the oldest DC special needs (statemented, attends special school) don't really exist and have been made up by me. Really he just likes being important at work and chasing younger women (who are in ready supply because of his money).

He likes our two youngest but he is obsessed with looks and women being thin and this has started to have an adverse impact on them.

I wouldn't cut him off from the children altogether, he'd just have to switch to having them in school holidays.

cupcakesandwine Tue 05-Jan-16 23:27:43

Thanks Goodbetterbest. Good idea. I think I'll speak to the local school about what GCSE options they are offering and what support they could offer my DC to transfer.

Nanny0gg Tue 05-Jan-16 23:32:28

Honestly - I'd grab the opportunity with both hands.

And it could be (if schools are researched carefully) the making of your Year 10 DS.

If you don't do it, I think you may well regret it.

VoyageOfDad Tue 05-Jan-16 23:38:21

cupcake

Yes i get that. He sounds like an arsehole. I wouldn't want anything to do with him either. But it's just a fact. He is their father. Its a philosophical question i guess.

If you were my mate i'd probably say go for it. But I'd also bring the dad factor up too. He may not give a damn.

Tweennightmare Tue 05-Jan-16 23:39:24

The bullying obviously puts a different slant on my opinion. If they are desperately unhappy anyway. There is no harm in researching the schools. Private schools are also more receptive to repeating years if you are looking at keeping them in the private sector. so you may have the option of repeating year 10 if the syllabus dosent match. . If you can get the DC on board and come up with a school that will accommodate a year 11 move which everyone is happy with then absolutely go for it

cupcakesandwine Wed 06-Jan-16 00:08:13

Thanks everyone, I think I need to speak to the school tomorrow.

VikingLady Wed 06-Jan-16 08:00:34

At their ages, can't you involve them in the decision? Don't over face them by giving them the impression that the final decision is theirs (it isn't, they know that and it would be too much responsibility anyway) but discuss it as a family? If they feel some ownership of the move and that they've had some input they will be a lot happier about it.

(Obviously adapt as necessary for your eldest)

Serioussteve Wed 06-Jan-16 08:12:19

You should move.

Bullying will have an impact, no question, and sorry to be so blasé about something important but resitting GCSEs would be an extra year, it is not a huge deal.

PrimeDirective Wed 06-Jan-16 08:47:41

How can you take GCSEs again?
Resits are only available for Maths and English and finding somewhere to redo GCSEs post 16 is a nightmare. 1 subject can be done part time. More than that I think you would struggle.

hellsbellsmelons Wed 06-Jan-16 10:15:45

I'd jump at the chance of a new life and new business in your shoes.
I would go for it.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now