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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Relationships

Is it best to just ignore ow

98 replies

cherrypiew4 · 05/01/2016 17:37

I have posted before at the start of October I found out dh had been having an affair. I asked him to leave he did after lots of talking we decided to give the marriage ago we have been going to councilling and although I find it hard most days I do feel we are making progress.
Most days I drive past ow I try to avoid but some days it can not be helped anyway she always stares at the car I just ignore her. Today though she not only looked but got her friend to look and then shouted something at me. I got in the house and went mad with dh not sure why she thinks it's ok to be taking it out on me. So dh wants to phone her and have it out with her with her. I am not sure this is a good idea I don't want to give her any reasons to be back in our lives. I just don't know what to do for the best I am in floods of tears over it all again.

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Angleshades · 05/01/2016 17:40

Definitely best to just ignore.

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AuntieStella · 05/01/2016 17:44

Under no circumstances should your DH get back in touch with her.

Yes, continue to ignore.

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TooSassy · 05/01/2016 17:51

Ignore.

Let her look. Let her friends look. Let them buy tickets to look. What are they looking at? The wife of the man she was cheating with??? She should feel so bloody proud.

Under no circumstances do you engage
Nor in your shoes would I have your DH engage. Not at all, slippery slope and more importantly she gets to know you are bothered by what she is doing.

Screw her and don't give her any moe brain space.

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Jan45 · 05/01/2016 17:53

Log it, but ignore, if she continues to harass contact the Police.

Why does your OH still have her no, he should have removed all contact from her!

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QuiteLikely5 · 05/01/2016 17:55

Ignore her, look away or simply smile. If she dares to approach you tell her if she does it again you will call the police.

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SfaOkaySuperFurryAnimals · 05/01/2016 17:58

What are her and her friends staring at? Have they never seen a decent human being before? You hold your head high, you keep it high and totally ignore her, you have the moral high ground.....

I understand it must hurt, she's just being a dick because it is easier to stare at you than to admit her wrong doing....
I sincerely hope you continue to be strong and that life becomes kind to you soon
And for her .....

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TheoriginalLEM · 05/01/2016 18:04

Smile and wave - don't let her see it bothers you. Take a cushion to punch when you are out of sight.

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Fckup · 05/01/2016 18:09

Definitely smile and wave - maybe go and give her your number and ask if she'd like to meet for a coffee if you're feeling brave!

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Mrsw28 · 05/01/2016 18:10

I would make a note of it, if she keeps on her bizarre harassing then I would go to your local police station and show them what you've logged and request some kind of action is taken, even if it's just a PCSO going round to her house and telling her that her behaviour is inappropriate and harassment.

Ignore her other than that. What a sad cow she is that she had to stare and shout at you. No shame at all and evidently no class either.

Good luck with the counselling.

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rockabillyruby82 · 05/01/2016 18:10

As Jan said, why has he got her number??
I'm sorry you're in this situation, I can't imagine the torture you go through each time you see her! Is it the same route you always see her on? Anyway you can change route to lessen the chance of seeing her?
Definitely do not react or acknowledge her, it's exactly what she wants.
I hope your counseling continues to work

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Theworldmakesnosense · 05/01/2016 18:18

Would just like to say you are a better person than me. I know the other woman should absolutely NOT get all the blame because she's not the one who cheated, but to then try and act like YOU are the one who's done something wrong means she is absolutely a cunt. And I would have got out and punched her square in the face. Well done for keeping your calm

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cherrypiew4 · 05/01/2016 18:19

Thank you everyone I know ignoring her is the best thing to do and I am going to listen to you all and carry doing just that. Unfortunately there is only one route to my house somedays I miss her completely and other days I don't. I have tried timing it differently but it does not always work.

Jan she contacted him once and he showed me straight away since then we have blocked her from his phone. I however know her number dh knows that I know. He did say to me tonight if I dial the number he will sit with me while he calls her.

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cherrypiew4 · 05/01/2016 18:30

Oh I would love to punch her I really would even if it only makes me feel better for a few minutes. Most of the time I have the dc with me and I would just be stooping to her level. Going by her behaviour I think she would more than likely punch me straight back.

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Offred · 05/01/2016 18:38

Are you sure he hasn't been in contact with her telling her porky pies about how he wants to be with her but you are needy/crazy/clinging/threatening/abusive?

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RogerTheTodgerDodger · 05/01/2016 18:41

Smile then wave like the queen!

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Offred · 05/01/2016 18:43

I mean it is possible she is just completely batshit but I think it's more likely her behaviour, if you have no other explanation for it, is based on something he has told her.

Cheaters are liars who tell lies to get what they want. It's usually the lies that break the trust when there is cheating, as much as the cheating itself. He has form therefore...

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Audreyhelp · 05/01/2016 18:50

Just smile and look pretty she hasn't got him you have.

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Pippa12 · 05/01/2016 19:16

I think contact/engagement is probably what she's after. Hold your head up high, you've done nothing wrong. You have all your dignity in tact and probably the man she wants- She's only making a fool out of herself, she will stop eventually if you don't see she's upsetting you (bitch!)

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nameschangerer · 05/01/2016 20:42

I would smile and wave next time. Seriously the best way to "win" is to look happy. That will destroy her stares.

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cherrypiew4 · 05/01/2016 20:51

Fairly sure he has not been in contact with her I have all passwords to everything. He is trying very hard to put things right and he knows I will not forgive him again. However he still wants to contact her but has agreed not to because it's what I want he seems to be very angry with ow and wants to know why she is behaving like she is towards me.

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cherrypiew4 · 05/01/2016 20:53

I agree that looking happy and smiling is the way to go I have wondered if it might be a good idea if she sees us together in the car.

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ImperialBlether · 05/01/2016 20:57

I'd be giving her a very subtle one finger salute.

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wannaBe · 05/01/2016 20:58

Are you sure that she is actually doing anything? You say that you drive past her, I'm guessing that she is on her way to/from somewhere on that route at that time of the morning, and given it's a public highway she has as much right to be there as you do.

But given you've had no contact is it possible that you're imagining the look towards your car is anything? You want to be angry with her and clearly you are, but you are driving past her, she looks at your car, presumably she can't fail to notice it, and if she looked away would you notice that too?

You need to focus on your marriage and rebuilding that. The ow has every right to be on that road at that time if that's where it takes her. Just ignore her.

As for suggestions to call the police, don't be ridiculous. "Oh, officer, I would like to report a woman walking down the road at the time I drive past. she looks at my car. Please could you tell her she's harassing me?" Anyone who did that would be laughed out of the police station, so op please don't even consider that suggestion.

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ImperialBlether · 05/01/2016 20:59

Like this:

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Cabrinha · 05/01/2016 21:00

If you see her staring you are (understandably!) looking at her.

Is there a possibility that she thinks you're the one "giving her evils" and happened to say to her friend "that's her, she keeps giving me black looks" and then - having let that out and being with her friend shouted at you? Just wondering why she is shouting now, as it's months on.

I don't mean to side with her - she shouldn't have touched a married man. But as a PP said, chances are your H fed her all kinds of shit about you.

The problem remains him, at the core. What he did.

I'd stare at your car too, if I couldn't avoid seeing you drive past all the time. Remember she may have loved him. And you've won. And are always around, and driving past.

If your H is worth it - I doubt he is, because whilst some marriages can be saved I believe the majority of cheating dicks are fundamentally worthless - then I'd even consider moving away. Crap to be chased out - but if I was in rented and didn't like the area much anyway... depends on your circumstances really. I've never lived anywhere where you drive past the same people all the time. I'd happily move away from that!

I'm really sorry you have this now too. But it doesn't sound like a campaign of harrassment, but a one off shout, and she's no more to blame for living near than you are.

Start a diary immediately of when she's there (in case you begin to see it's deliberate) and take any further action like shouting to the community police.

Don't engage.

And do yes counselling to point out to your cunt of a H that this is the ongoing shit he has put you through.