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75 yr old parent - future care

(9 Posts)
redundantandbitter Mon 04-Jan-16 12:25:20

Long sorry... My 75 yr old mother has her own home but it's an absolute tip, no central heating etc, and it's in a state. My 54yr old brother lives with her but he has serious (undiagnosed) MN issues and other health issues according to my mother. Neither looks after the other- they co exist. It's in another part of the uk. It's a miserable place, she has no family there, no jobs etc.

She doesn't drive and uses public transport to get around and has stayed with me and my dds for 3yrs on as off... Previous to that she was at another brothers home for 18 months. I don't have a spare room, she's been sleeping on my sofa bed in lounge.

My point is she's not making any effort to plan her future and where she's going to live. Ideally I'd like her to sell up and move to my area- a one bed flat that's warm and clean and tidy. I'd be happy to bob in and out where necessary. There's a doctor, hairdresser, shops, community centre in my area. She loves it here. My dds like her.

But I can't have her squatting at my
House. My ex moved out 4 yrs ago and I'm working 3 jobs to keep everything together - which I am, just.

She has a botched knee op in the summer and has had to spend months in her own home. She became
Isolated and lost a lot of weight. She doesn't eat well - in a lot of pain.

She's been at my home for Xmas and now has a very bad cold, potential chest infection. She should have gone home on Saturday for a pre op so she can have her knee repaired. So now she's in my bed and I'm camped out on my daughters bedroom floor.

My overall feeling is that I can't do this 'carer' role. I have other brothers. They live a distance away and generally ignore requests for help. I'm
The only daughter.

Please don't make me feel bad for not wanting to care 24/7 for my
Mother, it's not been the best relationship and I we aren't close. I just wish she was more pro active but I feel that moment has passed.

I gave looked into sheltered accom here in my area but not gone any further. She flaps and panics when I mention sorting house/future.

It a rare day off for me today (worked over Xmas) and I'm up and down the stairs looking after her.

😕

lilypadhopper Mon 04-Jan-16 20:35:38

Hiya! Can't see this and not reply and I hope this will bump your thread to the top to get others input...

So...she owns her property and her son lives with her. She has to return home for her pre-op ...

Any chance you can involve her hospital social worker, who could link her in to the 'system' to get her needs(and possibly that of her middle aged son) recognised? Ideally, I suppose, this would be a two bed. Appt. in a complex near you? At 54 and with his own needs, I'm sure he'd fit any criteria..

My mum was adamant that she wasn't going to leave her home, the house she'd moved into as a bride, and I'm sure it was the intervention of the hospital social worker that swung it......she could, and did, dig in her heels with me, but that extra backing of Someone in Authority, leant the weight to the proposal that was needed..

Sorry, posting from my phone, and these are only my first thoughts, but I'll be back later and I'm sure that others have their own thoughts and experiences to contribute. All the best.

redundantandbitter Mon 04-Jan-16 20:51:51

Thanks so much for posting. I'll try calling the hospital and see if there's a social worker I can speak to. Ideally my eldest bro will get his own place (but he's so paranoid and uncommunicative . I'm sure he's got a spectrum all of his own. Violent, and from what my mum says he's possibly schizophrenic.) . None of us siblings ever visit my mum as I don't feel it's safe for our children. If he wasn't there we might visit more often and help clean/clear the house but not at present.

Hatgirl Mon 04-Jan-16 20:57:23

The hospital social workers will not do anything as she is not currently an inpatient.

just ring normal social services and ask for an assessment for her. Be prepared to wait a few weeks though as budgets are seriously stretched and they have to prioritise people in urgent need first.

Good luck!

redundantandbitter Mon 04-Jan-16 21:21:33

Cheers. Apologies if I'm being a bit dim but if I call and ask a social worker for an assessment, what will they actually do? I'm my fantasy world they would turn up and see my brother is a complete WEIRDO and offer him somewhere to live. Then they'd have to persuade him to go ... This is a person that can't throw anything away... Then my
Mother would be free to alter her home to suit her (central heating, walk in shower) or flog it . But genus providing a mill stone round her neck and she let's him. Classic enabler.

loveyoutothemoon Mon 04-Jan-16 21:48:51

Is your mother happy living in a "tip"?

redundantandbitter Mon 04-Jan-16 22:27:24

If you saw if you wouldn't think i was being mean. She's 'head in the sand' and finds it all a bit overwhelming. But coupled with my brother and his over bearing presence... He can't throw anything away..questions everything she does. She's just worn down, I appreciate that. But she's her own worst enemy too.

Hatgirl Mon 04-Jan-16 22:29:11

Either your mother or brother would have to be found to be eligible for social care services. The assessment would establish if they were or not.

The eligibility criteria are here

www.scie.org.uk/care-act-2014/assessment-and-eligibility/eligibility/criteria-adults-care.asp

To be perfectly honest based on the information you have given your mother is probably only eligible for low level services such as reablement at the moment but it is still a professional's foot in the door.

redundantandbitter Mon 04-Jan-16 22:35:09

Much appreciated hat

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