Talk

Flip

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Is it unreasonable of me to want him to plan ahead sometimes?

9 replies

Ladylouanne · 03/01/2016 19:01

I thought about posting in AIBU but chickened out!

I have been dating a lovely man for approx 4 months. We see each other at weekends due to distance, and I have a 17 year old DD that I obviously want to spend time with (and who provides with many taxiing opportunities). He has no kids.

What's stressing me out is the fact that I always seem to the be one to prompt a conversation about when we will see each other next. I should say he is incredibly attentive in other ways. He texts me every day,phones me regularly etc. He has never once said no to anything I have suggested and always seems to be really happy when he is with me. When I'm visitng him he really looks after me by cooking for me, thinking about where we can eat out etc. He's very affectionate and will hold my hand when we're out, seems content to sit and cuddle/chat for hours and always seems reluctant to leave. We find so much to laugh about and the sex is fantastic. He remembers things I've told him, and his texts/conversations are about general day to day stuff, not sexual, so I'm not thinking that this is all he is in this for.

He also frequently mentions things he's been thinking about that involve me, and talking about things we've done over the last few months and how much he enjoyed them etc.

But I just get so dispirited about leaving him every weekend and not even having a 'see you next Saturday then' type conversation. I don't want everything nailed down, I'd just really like to know that we have another date planned, without me prompting a conversation mid week.

Btw, I'm not trying to plan months ahead. I remember reading some really good advice on here about not planning further ahead than you've been together. This is good advice I think, but I'd like to at least be able to book, say, a concert for us a month ahead but this 'one day at a time' approach makes me feel I can't.

The one thing I should maybe add is that we have both been widowed, but in very different circumstances. In his case, his wife was ill for a few years and I do wonder if he got into a mindset of not wanting to tempt fate by planning ahead.

It's this thought that has stopped me raising this properly with him up til now but I need a bit more security.

Am I reasonable to expect this after a few months?

OP posts:

Report

Trills · 03/01/2016 19:06

Bring up the subject with him.

You are not wrong.

Report

Ladylouanne · 03/01/2016 19:17

Thanks Trills, it's difficult to judge sometimes.

He has a fairly demanding and senior job (as do I) which will inevitably require forward planning and I wonder if that is what makes him so laid back outside work.

OP posts:

Report

Trills · 03/01/2016 20:02

It's hard to know if it's just his personality or if it is related to his wife's illness.

But if he is ready to be dating then he should be ready to make plans.

Report

Threefishys · 03/01/2016 23:30

Maybe he just assumes you will see each other every weekend as in, why wouldn't you?

Report

Ladylouanne · 04/01/2016 09:04

Threefishys, I think that is possibly the case. Also, because he has no DCs, he doesn't have any understanding of the need to balance time/plan my commitments alongside DDs etc.

I've tried to approach this before from the more practical perspective ie I need to know what's happening so I can co-ordinate with DD, but I'm still not sure it's sinking in.

I'm going to have to be more direct as I do want to be able to plan to go to events etc that are even a month or two away. Feeling I can't do this just makes me feel unsettled and a bit 'drifty' if that makes sense.

OP posts:

Report

Threefishys · 04/01/2016 11:05

I totally understand I had to say the same to my DP who also doesn't have a child. And you can plan events etc you just have to let go of the fear that he will say no and that will be a barometer that he's not invested because that's what it is isn't it.

Report

Threefishys · 04/01/2016 11:06

Your fear I mean, not that he's not invested.

Report

51howdidthathappen · 04/01/2016 11:45

I was like this with my partner. We never planned our next meeting, he would text asking to see me. I thought he was fine with it.
One morning as he was leaving, he asked it is always going to be like this, no planing ahead. He said he felt in limbo. From then on we made plans. I just hadn't relalised he was not happy with the situation.

I would tell him, you would prefer to make plans. It is not a big ask.

Report

Ladylouanne · 04/01/2016 20:58

Thanks for your comments and it's helpful to understand this from your perspective, 51.

Given that he has been like this since day one, and yet he's still around and appears keen in many other ways, I'm tending towards thinking this is a personality trait. Thinking about it, he is a bit laid back in other non-work aspects of his life too. At the end of the day, this might be something I need to live with, and accept most of the arranging will come from me, however I need to get my cards on the table with him first to find out.