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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Just discovered my friends DH has a mistress!! Would you tell??

60 replies

pedilia · 17/12/2006 19:01

And she has no idea, they have three DD's together, I am torm between telling her but I have been caught in this situation before and it all ended horribly with him denying it and friend blaming me!!

What would you do???????????

OP posts:

Report

edam · 17/12/2006 19:02

God, I wouldn't bring her world crashing down around her ears without definite proof. And you may well be blamed as the bringer of bad news. How did you find out? Can you tell the crap h that you know and he'd better end it or tell his wife sharpish before you do?

pedilia · 17/12/2006 19:04

Oh I know becasuse I saw them out together and he asked me not to say anything

OP posts:

tissy · 17/12/2006 19:05

agree, tell the h that you know...and let him deal with the fall-out. She won't thank you for telling her.

Are you absolutely sure, before you go wading in?

SantaGotStuckUpTheGreensleeve · 17/12/2006 19:06

I would tell her.

LittleSarah · 17/12/2006 19:09

Well I think I would want to be told, it would be hard but if I found out about the affair and found out my friend knew that is when I would be angry.

I would tell, or tell him to tell.

DimpledThighs · 17/12/2006 19:16

I would tell the bloke you saw that you are going to find it veryhard to keep this quiet and tell him that maybe he should tell her before you do.

btw - it is his fault you are in teh position - he was out and being seen with the otherwoman - maybe he wants to get found out.

pedilia · 17/12/2006 19:17

He knows what I think becasue I told him in no uncertain terms, I would want to be told but I am very reluctant to get invovoled for the reasons I mentioned before.

I rarely see him but I see her quite frequently so telling him to tell her may be difficult.

OP posts:

suzycreamcheese · 17/12/2006 19:25

i think this is horrible situation to be in..this probably stupid question but when you say it happened before it wasn't this same couple was it?
instinct says to tell and agree w/ dimples it his fault you are in this position but it isdelicate situation..no one likes bearer of bad news do you...cant you hang out at their place to catch him and just say 'one week' or before new year/ whatever OR I WILL DO IT

pedilia · 17/12/2006 19:28

no wasn't the same couple, they lived round the corner from us but I don't visit them at home any more, her and I have the same hobby so see each other there.

Our kids were at the same school but they changed when they moved, would it be really awful to ignore it and carry on like nothing has happened unless I happen to see him first

OP posts:

DimpledThighs · 17/12/2006 19:33

Is there a mutual friend you can talk to?

Horrid situation to be in so near chrsitmas. What does your dh say?

I know if it was me I would want to know, but would feel really ashamed and embarassed.

Is it mean to say whatever yu do wait until after christmas?

Twiglett · 17/12/2006 19:34

can you say "I bumped into your H on x date and I don't know what was going on but he asked me not to mention to you that he was out with . I am sure it was nothing but I thought I'd have wanted to know .. I'm really sorry to bring it up but I felt uncomfortable keeping a secret and I really really don't know what's going on"

or words to that effect?

colditz · 17/12/2006 19:34

Wait until after Christmas and then send an anonymous letter.

DimpledThighs · 17/12/2006 19:36

YES that's it!

Do what twiglett said - that is such a clever way of putting it that leaves it with her and does not embarass her.

Wish I'd thought of that but it is what I meant!

pedilia · 17/12/2006 19:37

Good idea twiglett I may take that line

DT- We do have a mutal friend and her DH is best friends with the cheating DH so I may mention something to her, but then don't want friend to think we are gossiping and she was the last to know.

What astounds me is he was blatantly walking down the street holding hands with her, what a b**d!

OP posts:

mustrunmorenakedthroughthesnow · 17/12/2006 19:38

Speaking from experience, dont tell.
Firstly, you never really know what other people feel about each other, what goes on behind closed doors, and all those other cliches.
Secondly, you dont want to be stuck in the middle.
Thirdly, the messenger always gets the brunt of it in some way.

pedilia · 17/12/2006 19:39

which is exactly what happended the last time I told someone that her DP was cheating!!!!

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AttilaTheMeerkat · 17/12/2006 19:41

Pedilla

This man's wife may well think he is up to no good already, she may well have her suspicions already re his behaviour. The only two people who really know what their marriage is really like and what goes on within it is them. Affairs are often symptomatic of problems in the relationship, not the cause.

Apart from saying to him that he needs to be totally honest with his wife I would personally leave well alone; you've had a similar situation blow up once in your face already.

DimpledThighs · 17/12/2006 19:41

go the mutual friend route - not in a gossipy but in a concerned way. She will tell her dh, he will tell the bloke and he will know that his secret is out.

Hmmm - still seems gossipy. Could you say the line twiglet gave to the mutual friend?

NappiesGalooooooooooooria · 17/12/2006 19:44

my instinct says to but out and leave well alone. like mustrun says, youre not party to the detail of their relationship and if theres fallout youll be dragged in to that...

maybe the wife knows but wants to deal with it her own way and in her own time?? hes not exactly doing a great job of keeping it from her. if she is not sure what to do, having it shoved out in the open by a freind and being made to deal with it before shes ready may make her pretty resentful...

Chandra · 17/12/2006 19:44

Messengers for this sort of news get almost always shot

On one hand, I found out the fiance of a friend was fooling around with another woman, I didn't tell my friend, first because she would have not believed me and second, because even if she did, if they made up they were never going to forgive me.

When she found out herself I said I knew, and told her the above when she asked why I didn't tell her, her answer was "you were right".

On the other hand, one of my University friends was about to get married in the US when the rest of my friends realised the groom was actually married in another country. As they knew how tricky the situation was they got proofs of it. Friend was sooooo ofended about something like that being done to her that she did marry the man (who later asked for divorce) and has not speak to the rest of the group ever since!

So... no, I wouldn't get involved but I would NOT protect the offender either, which means I wouldn't go and tell but if she asked me I sure would say.

pedilia · 17/12/2006 19:53

I think I will leave well alone, I really have to much going on in my own life right now to get dragged into someone else's mess, hope that doesn't sound to selfish.

OP posts:

Floatinginthemoonlitsky · 17/12/2006 19:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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SantaGotStuckUpTheGreensleeve · 17/12/2006 19:54

I wouldn't feel like much of a friend if I kept quiet about something like this. I wouldn't be able to face her.

LittleSarah · 17/12/2006 19:55

Agree Greensleeves.

NappiesGalooooooooooooria · 17/12/2006 20:03

well if i were a wife in denial, or maybe quietly tolerating infidelity for whatever reason... id be pretty pissed off if a 'friend' stuck her nose in and forced me to handle my private life differently...

i see your point, but....

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