Reported DV - now out of control

[VioletRoller]

On new years day my partner assaulted me in the car and there was a witness. It happened a handful of times before while drunk, and he still had alcohol in his system from the night before (was breathilized)

He was holding his hand over my face and I opened the door with my foot, struggled and screamed, a man heard and came over which caused partner to stop. I jumped out of car, didn't grab my bag with cards or bags with laptop etc (I left on NYE when I seem him getting more drunk, he was collecting me again).

The man rang the police, I did too as I was afraid of partner coming back.

Police collected me and before bringing me home to parents, they talked to me about partner. They were extremely supportive, I liked them a lot. I think I made matters worse by trying to express that it only happens when he was drunk. I feel like I portrayed myself as a bit vulnerable although I did admit that it wasn't okay.

I showed them pictures of bruises from the month before and told them about a few other times. They talked to me about his record, which I've seen and is pages long. Though stayed out of trouble and turned his life around the past couple of years, it is definetely much cleaner than it was before when he had a drink and drug problem. I knew him when he was like that but only as friends. Id find him passed out on the street etc... very different now. I took a statement in the car.

The police brought me home and instead of dropping me off around the corner they came in and spoke to my parents in the kitchen. I moved back in with them when I became pregnant. I dont involve my daughter with partner, I see him in his flat on the weekend.
My mother is a great mum but very critical of me, really would have preferred her not to know at least while I live here and have to sit in the same space where I cant get away from comments...

The police kicked his door in and arrested him.

Now I really don't want this all to be happening. I feel like I have no control over the situation. I want to drop the charges. I dont want to go to court at the end of the month and be character assassinated by his solicitor when I don't even want him to go away. I just wanted to drive home to him I wouldn't accept it. What do I do?

Sorry for thr length of thread and writing style I'm on my phone. Starting to feel very distressed too.

[AgentProvocateur]

It's not up to you to drop charges. I only know how it works in Scotland, but here the police will report to the procurator fiscal and s/he will make a decision. The fact that there another witness too means that he will likely go to court.

[petalsandstars]

You let him go to court and you have a life away from him with your DD.

Don't show her this is her future - which it will be if you go back to him.

[VioletRoller]

This is in NI

Thanks for the replies. X

Even if I got a restraining order for a while and he was offered the help he obviously needs I would be much happier.

[HortonWho]

What did they say about you protecting the children from him? I'm assuming the baby due is his? I thought social services get involved when they feel the abused mother cannot protect the children from the abuser? For that reason alone I'd be cooperating with police and anyone involved, instead of defending him.

[User543212345]

What petals said.

It's not you that's causing him to be arrested and go to court, it's him. His behaviour, which is entirely his choice, is what has landed him in this position.

I have to go to court tomorrow as a witness regarding something with my neighbour. I've been struggling with how I feel about it because his life has spiralled out of control (drugs). I came to the conclusion that I can't expect the police to keep me safe and do their job properly if I don't support them and appear as a witness when they ask me to. Some private stuff about me will be revealed in court as it's relevant to the case but it's necessary to keep me safe from his behaviour. It's part of the contract we're in with the rest of society IMO. Bit rambly, but my point is you need to see this through, not just for you but for every other person out there - including (and particularly) your Dd.

[tribpot]

Well, he's committed a series of crimes. He needs to be prosecuted for them. Again, by the sounds of it.

That said, all of your feelings are very normal - both your desire to drop the charges and basically pretend the whole thing didn't happen, and your fear about the court case. What you need is support to help you deal with both. Women's Aid should be able to help you break out of the abuse mindset, where the loss of control is terrifying rather than liberating. Victim Support should be able to offer help about the legal process and what it might entail. It sounds as if you don't think there's a chance he will plead guilty, despite the independent witness?

[VioletRoller]

Dd came from an old relationship that contained abuse, more control and emotional than physical. We seen each other for a while whilst with our partners then got together when I was 17/18. He was mid 20s. The first years were okay then he brought me to my knees emotionally when he started encouraging me to stay in and not see friends, alienating me from people etc. He'd flirt with leaving the then after me having the upper hand prior and it would crush me so much I'd lay in bed breathless unable to cry. I found mumsnet around then and learned a lot. I suffered for just a few weeks/months which felt a lot longer and ended it myself, got my self esteem back, we got back together but on my terms, less time together I only wanted weekends. When I felt like he was trying to corrode my esteem/isolate me Id leave him for a while. I had control of my life again, enjoyed being with him, also appreciated when he was gone. That lasted until I really ended things as I realised I loved him and felt like relationship, boundaries etc were wrecking what could be a class friendship. I still slept with him very occassionally, one of the last times (in my head) was funnily enough when DD was concieved. Like she was meant to be here. And she is so so loved. :) Never wanted children and fe into a big depression when I found out though, not knowing how precious it would be. Her dad was against abortion and promised he would be different. He wasn't and when I emotionally distanced from him the constant calls screaming at me started, I think it was halloween when I ended it again. The stress I believe was making me bleed which I went to hospital for a few times. They said erosion but I think stress contributed as it seemed to always be after him doing that.
Months later we starting seeing each other as friends he would come over once a week to watch films. But due to the stress of "time constraints" he'd be an utter ass hole to me. One time he was telling me his band was a good thing as he would be supporting me and dd, which I disagreed with as it was a bit ridiculous, he told me I was useless and was likr thr resr of (my area). (He was a lot more well off than my family). Slagging off working class and all that. He squared up to me then headbutt my head against thr wall and pushed it there. His belly was pressing against my bump. I told him to fuck off after that after him looking at me with his ridiculous wounded eyes as if he was so sorry despite choosing to do it. Even when shoppinh for the pram a few weeks before birth he embarrassed me in the shop (his mum was there), I walked outside as I was emotional he ruined this for me when already so much was ruined by him, he followed then punched the wall beside my head. These arent the only times, some jealous induced pulling of hair, pushing and generally physically intimidating went on at times over our time together.

The point is, I never accepted his treatment for me, I did feel sorry for him a little as he had been my friend for those years and seemed a little vulnerable to me but he had a loving upbringing, good house, good family, a permanent friend in his brother... a child he wanted on the way. He was just an entitled dick. After the birth I had pnd and surprise surprise he was an awful father. I went public about his treatment of me when he stopped seeing dd and spread it around that I was preventing access. I was getting abusive messages off his friends and I was sick of the injustice of it. I went public. His life not that affected. He went on tour and had the time of his life and met someone else not long ago. He did lose some support from people here. Happy its all over.

The mum publicly denied me and said I ws lying, even about the things she witnessed, and even though she heard him crying and apologising to me in her living room. I was portrayed like some scorned woman. She later blocked my mum after she sent her a picture of my daughter. My mum then in a rage made our whole family get rid of her. Good riddance. Weird and poisonous and dd much better off.

I met current dp not long after I went public which is ironic considering this post. We knew each other for years, met when I was 15. Dont know what suddenly attracted me to him. There is an appearance difference but I never really went for looks. But the point is, with ex-dp everything he did I didn't accept. I dont involve current dp with dd at all. Shes 8/9 months now.
Despite having the sense to do thst I just feel that this isnt right. Current dp had an awful (really awful) child hood. The rest of the time he was lovely. Really fell for him. Its hard to hear people talk about him the way they do. Last bit is rushed sorry Il finish this in a bit sorry xxx

[tribpot]

All this post demonstrates is you've fallen into the classic abuse victim's trap of lurching from one highly abusive relationship to one slightly less abusive that you regard as good. You really need to work with Women's Aid to look at the Freedom programme - your internal radar is malfunctioning and needs resetting.

I imagine you feel current (you're really going to stay with him?) dp is being more severely punished than previous DP, who seems to have escaped the attentions of the police. That doesn't mean he's done nothing wrong. He just got caught. Previous DP could (and should) be reported too.

[VioletRoller]

Can talk properly now

With DD's father, as much as I liked him the times when he was a cunt were when he had full control over himself. He was manipulative in the extreme, I don't think he was ever really sorry for anything, just expressed it in a way to get the results he wanted. He wasn't an asshole all of the time in fact most of the time it was very good. Though even in the background the effects of the bad were in place.

This one, it was always good, he's just a wanker when he is drunk and needs help. He's willing to give it up, wants to change a lot so we can be together.

Sweary Godmother, I understand what you mean about what you owe society, without getting into it too much I believe in that too.

The court scares me. My parents are getting more involved than I want them to. The police aren't even ringing me they are ringing my dad. I don't want anyone I know to be in that court while they bring up things that will embarrass me. :(

I feel like I'm being punished for this, why can't they just house arrest him or rehabilitate. He's not even addicted to drinking he just needs to not do it even sparingly.

I don't think he will plead guilty, I read that choking with intent can get 25. Im sure there are a couple of other things. this is all too much, i miss my other home and dp

[BertieBotts]

You might want to report this and get it moved to Relationships as the emotional support there is excellent and this section, while also excellent, is more for legal issues which are more factual and less emotional. You want the fantastic ladies who have been right where you are.

I'm so sorry :( It's a horrible situation to be in. I can't explain all the bits as well as some - Garlic and Mathanxiety and so on - I'm sure you know them if you posted before about your ex. It's a devastating thing that he's left it too late to get help. There is a reason choking with intent can get 25 years and it's because choking can and does lead to death frighteningly easily/quickly. This is a horrid situation, make no mistake, but it would have been worse if he'd actually gone too far. He needed to get help before - it's too late now. The only saving grace being that it isn't literally too late for you in terms of your life. Do remember that - that they aren't punishing you, they are protecting you.

Sad and stupid, his childhood, the drink, what it can do to a person. Such a waste. But the priority here is keeping your DD with her mother.

[VioletRoller]

Hey, yeah that makes more sense. I don't know what I was expecting to hear. Someone to have a magic wand of knowledge to lessen it for him a bit :(

The other girls have been immensely helpful and you too, when it's your own situation it just feels different, I really really care a lot about him. We've been talking and he wants to do anything to change this now that he can't see me. Before he was always sorry and got counselling etc but wouldn't listen when I said I'd rather he did one of those work shops where I think they help you learn accountability as well as give help for it... the counseller just kept wanting to talk about his child hood apparently before discussing something he did to me even while seeing her. His friends are damaging in that they don't make him take account either, one found out who calls himself his "brother", came up to the flat with a coked up girl and tried to make me feel 1 cm tall. The girl needed held back from hitting me for no particular reason, obviously feeding off her boy friends aggression. That doesn't help him either.

You are right. It is such a waste :(

[AnchorDownDeepBreath]

You need to see this through now. Court will be okay - it's never a wonderful experience but they look after victims well.

With another witness, the CPS would be likely to prosecute anyway, so all refusing to cooperate would do is flag up to social services that you can't keep your children safe (in their eyes). They'd then take steps to prevent you having any contact with him at all, or remove the children.

This will be good for him. He'll get help to stop drinking and control his anger. He'll learn that it's not acceptable. It's really not.

Good luck. Victim support tend to be very good and they'll stay with you for as long as you are at court, if you want them too.

[Lweji]

You won't want to hear this, but the best thing for you is to get away from this man. Whatever is happening with him, it's not a healthy relationship for you. And whatever counselling he goes through, the most likely scenario is that he will repeat the abuse. It may be different, it may be lower key, but I very much doubt he won't abuse you again.

It's a good thing that the police are pursuing this and it's out of your hands. Unfortunately many DV victims keep dropping charges (or refuse to testify) and end up in very serious situations or even dead. Or the man moves on to keep abusing other women.

Please, keep in mind that it's not the drink, his childhood or his friends. It's not you. It's him. His drinking is just an excuse to assault you.

I do hope you do leave him for your safety.

[Lweji]

As for court, I have recently been to court to testify against exH. It was hard, but not awful.

You may still love this man, but this is not someone who loves you. Who has been in horror at what he has done to you previously. He's only concerned now that he faces court.
Love yourself, and your child, more than him.

[BertieBotts]

I know, it always feels different when it's your own situation, eh? You can be the most pragmatic person in the world but when it's somebody you love... emotions are a bitch

The problem is - and you know this, I think - that it would never have worked you telling him to go and get help. He needed to truly want it for himself, and he wasn't ready to go and do that. It wasn't that he didn't listen, he heard that you were saying these courses were available, he just chose not to research that and go for that. I know that is hard to hear but he chose drink over your safety. Is he an addict? Even if not, it is hard to change that kind of lifestyle. He would have to cut ties with basically everybody that he knew, and that is hard, plus, from the experience of a friend, even if you move far away so that it's hard for you to access those people, it only works until you discover the dysfunctional crowd near where you are. There is always that world ready to take you in, that's addictive in itself. For damaged people it is very, very tempting. Even if you never let your daughter meet him (and that isn't sustainable, either) she would be in danger by association because of him bringing these kinds of people around.

You can absolutely be angry and rage and feel like it's not fair, and it is a tragic story - the tragic consequences of this kind of childhood. I know you wouldn't ever want to inflict that kind of long lasting pain on your daughter.

We don't fall in love with them because they are monsters. We fall in love with them because they are human. Flawed, broken humans, yep, and we believe that love will be enough to make them better. Unfortunately the horrific real truth is that there is damage that love can't fix. It just lashes out and scars everything it touches. He can improve things, to get them to a point where he is able to be loved without hurting others but it does not ever go away. It doesn't ever get totally better. This is why your number one priority is to totally protect and wrap up in cotton wool that precious baby girl against any - ANY of this. Other people can help him, and I really hope that they do, but you can't, you have another important job to do.

(I'd love to talk all night but I'm an hour ahead of you in time zones and I have to go to bed shortly. Relationships really does have people up all night.)

[BeccaMumsnet]

Hi all - we're going to pop this over to Relationships at the OPs request.

[VioletRoller]

You all communicate your thoughts so well, I feel like I can too until I get to the keyboard. Last night it made absolute sense to drop the charges and I still want to, I just can't remember my reasoning. It seemed very like the penny dropped and my brain worded it perfectly.

I do think even if I break up with him properly, stop seeing him, it makes sense just to keep the restraining order, maybe house arrest, rehabilitation. and none to send him away for that many years. We have been in contact though, he was saying all the right things until he said he wasn't going to plead guilty. This made me feel like I have to keep on at this to defend myself but really I feel like "Whatever, do what you have to do." and just hope my family don't go against my wishes and attend or I'll be humiliated for ever. I think he's getting choking with intent, false imprisonment, abh(?) and common assault. All because he was stupid one night, it just does not sit right with me. If he was a cunt when sober like ex dp I would feel different.

I feel like I have had my control taken away from me, they're getting too involved instead of just supporting me. There's the criticism from my mother and then my da working with police and demanding to keep my phone and it's just so invasive I want to go back to what felt like my weekend flat away from all of this. I miss everything I used to do there.

Obviously I cant, x. And DD is the reason why I can't see this having a future, how long can you keep things restricted to weekends and not meshing before wanting more. I do feel like I couldn't do in a proper together-every-day and knowing that's it forever, no escape. That's why this worked for me. As much as I love spending time with him and I think I could spend most days with him happily - the idea of committing to me HAVING to be there for ever doesn't sit right. Once you have commitments you can't just abandon to get some head space, that's what I mean.

I keep reading over the replies over and over. I suppose it is love that's clouding my vision over this but I always thought I was doing this well, keeping daughter away etc, as I would with any man regardless unless at some point I ever wanted to mesh. The idea of lil L just being the odd one out in some new family just makes me feel sick though. I wish she had a normal dad who seen her on weekends. Then if she ever had other siblings and they did what kids do she could just tell them what disney-dad activities she gets to get up to on the weekend ha. No I don't think it's for me. The first 2 months were absolutely something I don't ever want to expirience again either ha. No light in the world at all. I love looking at the sky, even when it's grey because I think it's like a piece of art (I draw), and we're so lucky to have that above us all the time, back then I remember looking out the window and it was just colourless

Now things are better, she's sitting up (finally) but is very VERY funny, extremely bright, has been trying to talk for ages (you should watch that mouth try to form words bless) and probably less to do with me and more the overwhelming love and attention she receives by being the center of my very large family. :)

It makes me sad because I know he would love to have a family to do things right, and I don't think it will happen for him unless he changes and with someone else.

I had my first cry yesterday since it happened, I'm trying to keep that in though or it might not ever stop/she will notice and be unpredictably nasty. I've been like this since having DD though. When I am off-guard or walk into a different enviornment for some reason I need to fight back feelings of despair. Really weird as I've been increasingly optimistic with things, practising positivity really helps. It's like exersize.

Currently just putting on a series to leave on at the same time and skype so it still feels like he is with me though obviously I can only get up now and again. He's trying to do an assignment and finds it difficult to read, and him talking about this makes me love him more.

Sorry for huge word vomits, this is something I can't say to others without judgement or used against me later. I go on to reply properly then it all just ^ !!! Maybe other people save some thoughts for other replies instead of just putting it all out so they can do proper more thoughtful replies later

[Lweji]

It will be a hard process, yes, but you can do it.

Maybe get help to educate your parents too? Check the women's aid website. Do the Freedom Programme.

You deserve peace and someone who treats you well.

[MatildaTheCat]

OP, sorry you are going through this. You sound very conflicted and confused. You are looking back and finding all of his good points and seem to be erasing the fact that he is provenly dangerous and unpredictable. He has very major problems. The Police have shown you his record to show you that this is not a one off act of madness...he has simply kept this side of him concealed for a while. This isn't the first time he has hurt you and won't be the last unless you end things in a final way and mean it. That means cooperating with the Police and getting the restraining order.

Now, the tough bit. You have a child and SS wil be receiving a report about the assault and they will follow it up. They will be concerned about the safety of your dd who cannot make decisions about her mother's partner and will be in danger if her mother continues seeing this man.

Please don't think I'm unsympathetic, you say you love him so it's hard. But you have to put your dd first and that means cutting him out of your life permanently. Allow the Police investigation to continue and assist them. Block all contact and focus on your dd. She's the one here who needs your love and attention. You cannot fix him. Sorry.

[BertieBotts]

Don't apologise! Feel free to word vomit (lovely!!) any time.

DD sounds fab. Really great job you're doing there by the sounds of things - don't be so quick to pass on the credit :) Only children are great, too. You get a totally different relationship and you have much more freedom. When she's older you'll be able to go on girls' weekends away and things like that at a minute's notice - will be fun. What's "normal" anyway? It's overrated. My dad is a waste of space, and I'm okay :)

ABH is actual bodily harm (if that's what you meant by the ? )

Are you supposed to be talking to him on Skype? I mean this gently - you could be getting into a worse mess if you're having contact where it's not actually allowed.

It's okay to cry. DD at 7 months won't even notice, I can promise you that! When I went through a horrible depression when DS was two he didn't ever notice when I was streaming snot tears in front of him. I think he just thought it was normal Or he was just inattentive, who knows?

[independentfriend]

One job at a time.

For starters, make contact with the police officers and start talking to them directly. This should discourage them from talking to family members instead of you. Also try talking to whatever bit of Victim and/or Witness Support that exists near you - they may be able to help discourage your family members from sitting in the public gallery. In English Courts there are a range of special measures available for vulnerable witnesses - I don't know what the position is in NI, but the police officer/victim/witness support will know and will know what the eligibility criteria are.

Secondly; as an emergency measure: PAYG credit and a cheap handset.

Then do what you need to do to get through to the other side of the court hearing. Everybody else around here is right. People are prosecuted because what they [are alleged to have] done is a wrong against society as a whole. You are not the only person affected by his actions.

Once you've dealt with that, think about how you can move into your own accommodation away from your parents - if they cannot be trusted to help you in useful ways, then move so they're less able to interfere in your everyday life. Not sure what your situation is re working/studying/childcare, but your daughter needs you to be as content with your life as possible (by which I don't mean staying with a partner who is abusive) and that means secure accommodation for you two.

There is a thread around here about difficult (and worse) parents: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2510368-But-we-took-you-to-Stately-Homes-Survivors-of-Dysfunctional-Families?pg=3

[PoundingTheStreets]

It's not at all uncommon for abuse victims to feel as you do - it's so normal in fact that it's the reason the decision to proceed with a case is no longer left to the victim but to the CPS in England/Wales. Please don't feel bad about feeling the way you do; it's all part of the process.

It's also the same reason why men like him can't be allowed to get away with it. The fact you feel responsibile for what's happening now is part of the same abuse dynamic you experienced in the relationship, where you were made to feel that his behaviour was a result of something you'd done. Also bear in the mind that the age-old excuse of drinking (unless he's a proper alcoholic or one of the rare people who genuinely have an adverse reaction to alcohol) is just that - an excuse. Alcohol simply lowers inhibitions and self control. But if you believe murder is wrong you don't murder someone when angry and pissed, at least most people don't. Same with violence towards women. At a deep level he believes it's ok; he just manages to disguise that more effectively when sober.

What worries me is your hope that a brief stint of house arrest - aka a telling off - will be enough to change his behaviour. It won't be. The psychology of an abuser is ingrained throughout their lifelong experiences and often take years of extensive therapy to overcome. Success rates are not high. If your man was capable of accepting he was wrong and changing his behaviour that easily, wouldn't he have done so just because he loved you and you asked him? I'm sorry to be so blunt and I don't mean to hurt.

YOu've been incredibly brave to get to this point. Please keep it up.

[Samantha28]

I'm sorry you are finding things so hard . But you are going to have to make a choice between this man and your DD. if you don't end things with him, you may end up losing her. If you stay with him, then she is at risk and Social services may remove her into care .

[Pipestheghost]

You need to ditch this abusive drinker. I bloody hope he gets his comeuppance.

[Samantha28]

www.womensaidni.org

Please call your local women's aid and find out about getting some support .

They will also be able to advise you about social work and what the Health board can do to help you .

Once your parents see that you are seeking out help for yourself , they might step back a bit .