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Is there really no hope? (Long sorry)

(34 Posts)
goggleboxismygod Sun 03-Jan-16 09:25:16

Dp and have been together for 4.5 years. We bought a house 18 months ago.

About 4 weeks ago he told me that he thought there was something wrong in our relationship and he couldn't tell me what it was. I was pretty upset as I had just thought that it was the fact that he was constantly tired from months of long hours at work coupled with the December tradition of too many nights out at too many Christmas parties. He was adamant it was more but he couldn't put his finger on it.

We went to his family for Christmas. He is adamant that he specifically asked me not to fight with him there. He may have done... I can't remember really, but of course after a lot of alcohol and a couple of days after Christmas we had a fight. I really didn't think it was that loud but apparently his parents overheard it and got very upset because I had berated him for what he says was 2 hours. I am not convinced it was that long but I do agree that I was pretty nasty at times and that I did go too far down the berating route because I felt really crap about our relationship. He had barely touched me, looked at me, spoken to me without some sort of issue or really included me and I felt very low.

Nothing was said about it by his family the next day. That next evening, after more alcohol, I walked behind him in a pub and saw him texting some woman from work saying something like "can't wait to talk to you too xxxxxxxx". Cue second argument outside there, His tone changed dramatically and he said he wanted to end it. He said I have been really nasty to him on too many occasions and that thee have been times where I have upset him so much that he has caused himself bruises or gone into work and cried in the toilets. He has literally never told me either of those things before, though I agree that after certain arguments I have also felt that I have been slightly too nasty. I was really upset to hear that I could ever have caused such upset. He says I should have known that I was hurting him that much and that the fact that he didn't tell me is irrelevant... I just shouldn't have done it.

The texting was glossed over and he said that she was in a similar situation to him and that he had text her for someone to neutral to talk to. I still think this is in appropriate and the fact that he literally deleted the entire text thread as soon as I saw that one thing is fishy.

We talked most of the night and I had managed to persuade him to get through the last day at his family's and then to talk to me at home. However, he went downstairs to find that his sister, who had overheard some of that second argument (and certainly nothing about the texting) had told his other sister, her husband, and his parents. His parents told him that none of them could forget what they had overheard and I should leave.

Since then he has told it has to end. He won't even entertain the idea of trying to save it. Apparently he has been thinking about it for months as he was thinking about marriage and decided he wasn't 100% sure because I have said things in the past he can't forgive. He has often goaded me into an angry reaction and it has been noticed by friends. He has also said some pretty hurtful things himself. I thought this was just something that people did on rare occasions and they apologised and made it up etc. we really don't argue very often but he makes out that we do and every time it is horrific.

Whatever I have done, he won't even give me a chance to try to prove I can change it - at first he was adamant it was because it had happened too often and I shouldn't have ever hurt him but now it's become clear its also because his family won't accept me after those arguments. I don't think it's their business and I don't think they should ever have said anything to him at all about it so I am struggling.

We are now in separate rooms, he won't say he loves me and he is adamant it's over, he has even started telling people. I'm 28 and I thought u would marry him. It's the worst thing that has ever happened to me.

I'm terrified of losing him. Is there really no hope?

fastdaytears Sun 03-Jan-16 09:28:09

Is there anything you think is positive in this relationship? It doesn't sound like either of you are happy.

Are you sure you aren't wanting to fix it just because you think you've "wasted" 4.5 years with him or want to be married very soon?

goggleboxismygod Sun 03-Jan-16 09:30:31

I knew there was something at odds recently, but I didn't think it warranted ending it. I thought it warranted trying to spend some time together. We have had loads of good times - far outweighing the bad. Even as recently as November we went to see Spectre and he was looking at rings in a shop window joking about them... Which is why I am finding it so hard when he says he has been thinking about this for months.

We are best friends. We do everything together and we like all of the same things and have the same sense of humour.

Thankgodforthat Sun 03-Jan-16 09:30:52

You argued for two hours at his parents' home? And they were so upset by what they heard they told him you should leave? I think it sounds as if the arguing was way out of hand and you shouldn't behave like that in people's homes.

From what you say yourself, the arguing is 'nasty.' Why would you want to be in a relationship where that is the norm?

It all sounds awful and if he wants to end it you need to let him and take responsibility for the part you have played in it.

12purpleapples Sun 03-Jan-16 09:34:14

It sounds pretty horrible. Do you think cutting back on alcohol might help, if that is fuelling some of the arguments?
Seems like he is definite that he wants it over though, and if he is settled on that you probably can't change that.

Savagebeauty Sun 03-Jan-16 09:34:18

Why are you surprised he won't say he loves you?
People in love don't behave like this.
Your behaviour is appalling....rowing for two hours in someone else's house? And seems alcohol fuelled.

Costacoffeeplease Sun 03-Jan-16 09:35:31

I was a bit shocked at him specifically asking you not to fight with him at his parents - are these nasty arguments so bad that he would have to say that? If so, then I don't see there's anything to save in this relationship

sije Sun 03-Jan-16 09:36:03

It sounds as though he's having an affair and rewriting history to me.

He want's out and it will look much better if it appears justified.

fastdaytears Sun 03-Jan-16 09:39:01

Two hours of rowing isn't normal, and nor is texting someone at work with a ton of kisses.

I had a relationship of the same length end suddenly at about the same age (possibly I was a couple of years younger than you) out of the blue (as far as I was concerned) with lots of family pressure on his side. One of the things that I found hardest to understand is why he wanted to look at engagement rings a few months earlier. What I've learnt since is that when some
men get to the point of thinking about marriage then they re-evaluate everything and that's not always positive.

What I've also learnt since is that he was totally and utterly right to end it. I'd have liked more warning and it not to be so public (due to the circumstances) but we were completely not right for each other.

Who is supporting you IRL?

wannaBe Sun 03-Jan-16 09:39:50

So, he asked you not to fight with him at his parents' house. Pre-emptively, this for me would indicate that you have a habit of causing arguments, so much so that he had to pre-empt this so you didn't cause a scene while at his parents' yet you still did and argued with him for two hours.

It sounds as if you have a lot of issues and have a pretty abusive part to play in this relationship. I'm not surprised he wants out. Let it go and get help with your anger issues.

goggleboxismygod Sun 03-Jan-16 09:40:04

I don't actually remember him saying that and I really cannot think of a context in which he would have needed to. I think the fact that only a couple of weeks before, he had told me there was something wrong, coupled with the fact that he was barely touching me or interacting with me May have enough a reason to ask me not to fight with him, but I don't think there was any soecific request re the parents house.

In any event, I just want to clarify that the entire thing was conducted by whisper or strained low talking rather than shouting. The fact that they still overheard was a shock to me and I couldn't work out why they didn't just tell us to shut up.

I also want to clarify there there have been extremely few of these arguments over 4.5 years. Dp makes out it is all the time but I can count them on one hand. Yes I was nasty the other day and it was wrong but I felt so low about the fact that he wouldn't talk to me.

For it now to all come out that he has been thinking about it for months etc and never said a word made it worse. The texting if some girl made it worse.

fastdaytears Sun 03-Jan-16 09:40:59

You don't want to hear this but you're so young and you'll meet someone who you can't bear the idea of yelling at for 2 hours.

Costacoffeeplease Sun 03-Jan-16 09:41:06

So why do you want to save it? It sounds rubbish on both your parts

12purpleapples Sun 03-Jan-16 09:45:07

It seems like you both aren't communicating very well with each other. The arguing seems very inappropriate, and I don't think its fair that you would expect his family to moderate that by telling you to be quiet.
It seems like he has mentally checked out of the relationship, especially if he has started to form a new relationship with the person he is texting.

Angleshades Sun 03-Jan-16 09:46:13

Hmmm it sounds like your dp has already checked out of the relationship and has possibly had his head turned by someone else. It also sounds like he's not strong enough to end it himself by saying his family heard this and that and were not happy. Was it his family that asked you to leave or did he tell you this? Because it sounds to me like he wants his family to not like you so that it validates his reason for leaving, when in actual fact he may be leaving for someone else. Almost like he's trying to make himself look faultless and you to take all the blame for everything going wrong in the relationship.

To be honest it sounds like your relationship has been going down hill for a little while if he's been cold and distant and if he's now saying he wants out you have to let him go. We can't force someone to stay with us if they don't want to.

Can he go and stay with a friend for a while to give you some space so that you can both look at things with fresh eyes? Or could you go for a bit? Do you have family and friends close by you can rely on for support because it sounds like you're really going to need them if your reltionship is over?

goggleboxismygod Sun 03-Jan-16 09:47:03

Angle shades. He told me it rather than them directly.

Marchate Sun 03-Jan-16 09:56:30

He goads you into arguments.
He anticipates fights and warns you to avoid them.
Meanwhile he's in the proto-affair stage.
He's reconstructing the past, present & even near future (don't argue at my parents') to excuse his behaviour.
And I think he may be a Water Torturer to some extent (search box will find the Lundy Bancroft types)

Marilynsbigsister Sun 03-Jan-16 09:56:36

I am sorry OP but it always boils down to this.. You can't make someone love you. They either do or they don't. You sound very immature, you also sound like you cannot moderate your behaviour when alcohol is involved.
The best thing you can do is try and salvage what little self respect you can muster by parting in as adult manner as possible. Perhaps he may then have the chance to miss you, or you will have the chance to meet someone to whom you are more suited and do not feel the need to 'argue with' for two hours at a time.

Angleshades Sun 03-Jan-16 10:05:04

So he's probably making things out to be worse than they are then so that he can run off guilt free into the sunset with the new woman because you were so, so very horrible to him and what was such a nice guy like him to do??? Do you see what I mean?

Either way it looks like he's orchestrating a break up and you have to let him go. I know it hurts but you have to move on. Start making plans re living arrangements and get yourself away from him. Find someone who can make you happy because he sure as hell doesn't.

LionHearty Sun 03-Jan-16 10:15:19

God. Some of the posts on this threadconfused

A person can end a relationship at anytime for any or no reason at all. He doesn't want to be with you anymore so it is over. It's tough. I am sorry you are experiencing this.

IamlovedbyG Sun 03-Jan-16 10:21:54

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

maybebabybee Sun 03-Jan-16 10:25:45

I'm sorry OP, but you can't persuade someone to be with you who doesn't want to be.

You need to accept this. I know its shit but its necessary.

sije Sun 03-Jan-16 10:35:14

OP, do you think there is someone else? You must have suspected it when you saw him texting the woman from work.

Noctilucent Sun 03-Jan-16 10:40:03

Did he tell you that his family had overheard, or did they ? Sounds like he has another woman and he checked out of your relationship a long time ago. Walk away. He is absolutely not your friend.

You might also want to consider whether you do behave badly when you drink, although it could be that he's been goading you for a longer time than you realise.

maria543 Sun 03-Jan-16 10:42:32

You are only 28. Be sad that the relationship is over, but start sorting things out so that you can separate. Get the house on the market etc. In a few months' time things will start to seem better, and like a previous poster said, you will absolutely meet someone else who doesn't make you want to berate them for 2 hours at their parents' house! That's no good for him, and no good for you either.

I finally managed to extract myself from a bad relationship when I was 34, and then met dh and we have a family. I wish I 'd been 28 when I managed to leave the bad relationship though, rather than wasting those 6 years in a vaccuum of nothingness.

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