Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Straw poll: replying to texts and "gauging interest"

(19 Posts)
NataschaMRodriguez Sat 02-Jan-16 19:17:51

Say someone you met on Internet Dating (and enjoyed spending time with) but for various reasons couldn't enter into a relationship with at present, messaged you...

Would you

A: reply with fairly long answers/questions back to them for the sake of politeness
B: not reply at all if you weren't interested
C: reply disinterestedly, to try and limit attempts at further conversation

Just a straw poll as I'm not sure what constitutes leading someone on...!

(Of course the thing with internet dating is that neither of you has any need to see the other IRL again - so you can be as blunt as you like I'd imagine)

Reese123 Sat 02-Jan-16 19:22:23

Either B or C - you grow a thick skin with online dating so most people are probably used to it

hownottofuckup Sat 02-Jan-16 19:23:05

A if I liked them, B if I didn't

Thankgodforthat Sat 02-Jan-16 19:24:32

C once or twice just out of politeness then B.

Seeyounearertime Sat 02-Jan-16 19:29:05

Why are thy old if they can't enter a relationship?

NataschaMRodriguez Sat 02-Jan-16 19:43:03

I think it's a case of putting things on the backburner seeyou if things go well... And also just having a nice evening with nice company smile So not for sex at all, but more just bad timing etc.

NataschaMRodriguez Sat 02-Jan-16 19:59:21

So B or C are the main ones right?

Offred Sat 02-Jan-16 20:53:00

B

It's online dating, no need at all for politeness. Politeness is confusing.

rhysomea Sat 02-Jan-16 21:15:23

Why is the person asking in this social situation?

What are the various reasons?

Is it because someone has decided they want to "see person A and keep the person B "on side" as a back-up option in case the other goes wrong"?

Otherwise would they not just be honest and tell them what the various reasons (exams/work/family issues) are but they'd like to stay in touch?

Collecting people from dating sites to put "on hold" for one's own benefit or ego-boost is a bit icky.

Not because they're going to be broken-hearted, but it makes the person doing it look desperate and is indicative of low self-esteem.

It looks to me like the person doing this is lying or trying to fudge because you know that if they say:

"I want to date Joe/Jane but I'd like to keep you in my social group as you're second place, and I like having attractive friends who fancy me, aren't you lucky?" they're going to then be ignoring them and out looking for someone else?

NataschaMRodriguez Sat 02-Jan-16 21:28:52

rhysomea the reasons are pretty complex but basically involve very long distances and both people having to stay in their areas for the time being (family issues, work issues, health issues).

Both parties may or may not see each other again down the lines when (if?) these issues clear up, but are not seeing others at present.

TriIls Sat 02-Jan-16 21:35:35

To what extent has this person TOLD ME that they are unable to enter into a relationship?

If they've told me that they definitely can't, in clear language, then they can do A of they like (although they probably won't get the opportunity for too much chat as I won't be messaging them much).

If they have't told me, they'll have to do B or C, but it would be kinder to just tell me.

revealall Sat 02-Jan-16 21:45:37

I don't understand how you could meet up and enjoy spending time with each other but not be in a relationship?Surely if you like each other you simply say you are in a long distance relationship (so not shagging other people or still on the websites) and look for ways to make it work better in the future.
No point in dragging it out if it will never progress beyond texting. In that situation you have a relationship as friends and carry on looking.

rhysomea Sat 02-Jan-16 21:47:34

OP which "side" are you? confused

Some people are big online chatters and texters, some aren't (it isn't gender specific).

I do know relationships which have worked out with a lot of online contact beforehand (which they felt moved them closer) and ones which have basically been lots of lovey-dovey online contact leading to a disaster when they meet.

Personally I think I might choose C, be polite but friendly as I wouldn't want to get anyone's hopes up, and a virtual committed relationship before a meet isn't for me.

I think I'd try to limit long chats whilst keeping a door open if I was interested.

rhysomea Sat 02-Jan-16 21:48:25

PS I agree go out and date others, or work out, or find new interests is also a good thing to do.

NataschaMRodriguez Sat 02-Jan-16 22:09:54

Okay, I am the one messaging but who can't enter into a r/ship at present. (He knows this)

We have met a few times while I was in his area for work.

I guess I am just wondering whether his replies (fairly chatty) have any bearing on his stance on things? I realise I sound about 13

The way I see it, if he wasn't interested at all (given he never has to meet me again), he could just as easily ignore/reply disinterestedly.

I am asking because I have hopes of getting into a r/ship in the future, so I'm certainly not doing it to lead him on or because I get a kick out of the attention or anything.

rhysomea Sat 02-Jan-16 22:17:19

So you've left him knowing that you can't enter in a relationship but are staying friends?

Sounds fine to me. Just as long as he knows he can date and pursue other people if he wants to (you both can). Chat about life or the weather or something when you communicate,

I do find it worrying that you want to know how he feels about you?

It's like you want him to be "still into you" whilst you haven't got any practical way of being together. It doesn't sound healthy for either of you.

NataschaMRodriguez Sat 02-Jan-16 22:23:45

rhysomea Yeah I can see why you think that - in fairness to him, he has a young child (he is divorced) and can't come to my area for now either - so it's not like it is just my circumstances that are stopping us from being together are, his are too. He also travels abroad for work frequently, so isn't going to be actively dating for the next few months (same as me).

I don't really know where we are to be honest - obviously not in a relationship but I wouldn't call us friends... Probably friendly acquaintances, with a view to becoming something more? That sounds so cringy, doesn't it.

I do want to know whether he's interested in me, as immature as that sounds, and am struggling to work out from his replies whether it's just politeness that's motivating him to reply, or genuine interest. He's a gentleman (well, I think he is anyway) and really not a casual ONS kind of guy

rhysomea Sat 02-Jan-16 22:45:04

You should work towards arranging to meet up. If he's keen on you he'll make time and it'll be easy. Otherwise it just seems a bit of a texting mind-fuck?

I think that "not actively dating" is probably spinning a line (sorry!),

If you met on OD, and you've told him you aren't available for a relationship, then he is probably going to be still on OD from time to time, even if busy.

If someone catches his eye and they're in contact, then he'll make time to meet them instead? He doesn't owe you anything based on you "maybe" being up for a relationship in the future.

Offred Sat 02-Jan-16 22:54:29

Either you are not willing to countenance a relationship or you are open to one.

IMO this obsessing over how he feels is a cop out on making yourself vulnerable. You see whether he is interested before you consider showing interest yourself.

Don't hide behind 'not being available'. Decide whether you want to try and make a relationship work with him and then act honestly in accordance with that.

He won't thank you for placing the whole burden on him.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now