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Is it me? Am I too needy?(21 Posts)
Hello, first time poster but long time lurker. Will try to keep it as brief as possible.
I've been in an off/on relationship with DP for about 5 years. We have 1 child age 4. Our relationship hasn't been easy, it has always felt like a struggle. When our child was a baby I moved to a new city, 2 hours away from my family to be with him as he felt isolated in my city. I've been here ever since and Iam now in my second year at uni here working so hard. I have to say I feel supported by him and his family since I've been here, his mum especially is a wonderful support and we have a great relationship.
He supports me through my studies and is a really great father to our child, however I constantly feel like he doesn't want to be with me. During the first 3 years of our relationship, iam ashamed to admit that I read his FB messages. He was constantly in touch with a couple of women, sending very flirty messages and saying what he would do if he wasn't with me. At the time I was so scared of him leaving and being on my own that I didn't confront him, I didn't do anything but kept checking his messages. Over the years he hasn't done much for my self esteem, constantly making comments about other women infront of me, talking about ex girlfriends obsessively and comparing me to them, hurtful comments about my weight. Whenever I used to dress up and initiate intimacy he would turn me down and he seems to enjoy doing this, blowing out my candle. It's like he's got to remind me that he's the catch and everything is on his terms. So I've stopped making an effort and now iam lazy and apparently it's difficult for him because he's got 'to get it up'. I finally confronted him about the messages and he dumped me, which is fair enough as I did breach his privacy for a long time. He then made a point of meeting up with this women he had been messaging and slept with her, then told me about how great it was then said he would give me another chance. At this point I was struggling and feeling so lonely that I let him come back.
I swore I would never read his messages again and I haven't, but I don't feel like I can fully trust him. We ended up breaking up again and I think I finally felt like I was strong enough to do it on my own. I had made 2 friends in this city and didn't feel as lonely, studying at uni and juggling this with being a single mum had boosted my confidence. I started online dating, lost some weight, felt like I was in control of my future. Meanwhile he was living on his own in a bedsit, drinking, smoking weed and texting me every day to tell me how suicidal he felt. How life is pointless if he can't be with me and DS (he had him every weekend at his mum's house). I felt guilty for being happy, my DS started mentioning why Daddy is sad? He spent 80 quid a week on weed and was no longer eating. He set up a fake online dating profile to try and 'catch me out'. It was intense and when he said he would stop smoking green if I would give him another chance I felt like I owed it to my son. So I did, even though I didn't really want to.
I took him back and now fast forward 8 months, everything has gone back to how it was. He doesn't ever want to do anything, he rarely helps around the house, we don't have a sex life, he waits until our son is in bed then it's straight on the xbox and drinking/smoking. I feel trapped, I feel like he will never let me go. He says iam needy and emotional and I suppose I am. I want to be with someone who wants me, who shares the same values and aspires more than living day to day.
I guess what Iam saying is should I just be happy that things are just okay? My son loves his Dad so much and they are super close, should I just put up with this for now as their both happy? Am I expecting too much? I think I am needy for love, I basically have no family support anymore. My mum lives in the states, my dad left a long time ago, my old friends are busy with their own lives. I have an emotional need to feel wanted and I don't know how to fill that need.
Sorry this is so long, I have tried to include everything but this is only a snapshot of what it's been like.
God that is so sad that you took him back 8 months ago! HOwever, you can leave him again! Of course you can.
Your son loves his DH, great but he can love him as a father who is separated from his mother too. Do you trust him to look after your son by himself? Please do not stay with this abusive man just because your son loves him. That relationship can continue perfectly well between them but without you being downtrodden at the same time.
Whatever it was you did before, please do again. Get your accommodation sorted, finances, studying, childcare, get out of there! Live your life. I bet you had a real sense of freedom last time you escaped? Reach out and grab that back with both hands.
I would not put up with the way he treats you, you have left once before and can do it again!
You are not being needy to want appreciation, a sex life, a man who doesn't act like a rebellious teenager, and without emotional blackmail & abuse
Don't settle. It seems you felt better as a single parent, you were doing your studying, you were making yourself a social life on the dating scene... Just don't settle for this.
He only seems to be happy when making you miserable.
No you're not needy. You are however with a complete arse who is squashing you flat. You deserve more than scraps and you deserve the freedom to find yourself again. You won't get that while you stay with this person.
You are not needy. You deserve much much better than this. Leave him again. Life without him can't be worse than life with him?
Thank you all for your comments, I really appreciate it.
Every time I leave and start to build my confidence back up its as if his then begins to crumble and his life goes to shit. I care about him deeply as the father of my son and I do rely on him to help me with childcare when my studies are full on (I do a lot of placements on my degree).
My heart is yearning for more than he can give me, he says that I am acting precious and princessy and that what I want doesn't exist. In the five years we've been together we have only ever been out together (to the cinema) once, when I begged him and paid for it. He doesn't want to go on holidays, learn to drive, save money or plan for the future. He wants to live day to day, hand to mouth, work as little as he can and spend his money on his own personal fun.
I hate to see him unhappy, I know if I leave then there is no going back. It's not fair on our boy to see his father come and go, he absolutely worships him. I worry how I will manage on my own, I know I've done it before but I felt stronger then. I wish I had my mum or sister or an aunty or someone nearby to support me through it. I have no real support in this city except him and his family.
You do not need this man. He is bringing nothng to yoir life. Its not needy to be wanted, cared for and looked after.
Hes not doing you a childcare favour.its his child.
Stop settling for so little.
" It's like he's got to remind me that he's the catch and everything is on his terms.....He then made a point of meeting up with this women he had been messaging and slept with her, then told me about how great it was then said he would give me another chance."
"Every time I leave and start to build my confidence back up its as if his then begins to crumble and his life goes to shit."
Do you see how these two things are related? He needs you around so that he can ignore you and feel like he's some great catch and the king of the castle, as soon as you leave then that self-image crumbles and he realises how little he has in his life apart from that.
Its not that you need him at all, HE needs YOU. You cant live your life being treated like shit just so that he can feel ok about himself.
OMG - he will become the biggest cocklodger ever if you stay with him.
He'll laze at home and spend all your hard earned cash on drugs and drink.
Please get away now while you know you can do it.
He'll drag you down further otherwise and you'll feel even more trapped.
How much longer have you got of your uni degree?
He sounds dire. Get rid pronto - you've done it once and can do it again.
Really is this all the ambition you have? No life, no going out, no travel, no adventure. Why are you shackling yourself to this waste of space?
He's never going to stop making you feel frustrated and let down because he's not the guy you think he is. You are describing an absolute loser. He's a bad investment of your energy. Cut your losses.
He is not going to change. The only thing that can change here is your expectations.
Storm, you hit the nail on the head. You're all so right and I know what is needed to be done. I've ended it with him, as usual he's saying he agrees and "good luck finding someone who will put up with your emotional needs" - which I've heard many times before.
Now Iam stuck in limbo waiting for him to move out. He cut his hours at work (4 days to 2 days) and is doing some new project thing with his brother which has no guaranteed pay for a few weeks. So now it's all 'i have nowhere to go' 'iam going to be stuck in a shit hole living my life as a weekend Dad' 'its alright for you, the government pays for you to live' 'the depression is kicking in already'.
I don't know how long he will be here and I can't move out myself as the tenancy is in my name.
I don't know what I can do to make it easier?
The tenancy is in your name. You're not married.
Give him in writing a week to move out and kick him out if necessary.
Ask him to go to his Mums and start rebuilding your life. He seems to 'get off' on your pecieved inadequacies and yet reading your thread its him that is needy etc. You can still care about someone and facilitate their relationship with their child without being with them....
You don't force him to smoke drugs or refuse to go out. Do normal things...
You deserve so so much more. You have made lots of sacrifices now move on..
Ask to go this weekend. And only answer texts etc if they are about your son..
We are all routing for you......
Oh and to answer hellsbells, I will be qualified as an Occupational Therapist May 2017 so iam about half way.
So there's my ambition Wallywobbles, I completed access course and currently battling through uni without family or friends in a city that's not home. I know I come across as pathetic and weak but I've just been in a shitty situation and clinging on to scraps of hopes that he would change. I know iam not alone in this scenario
As a PP said, the tenancy is in your name so give him 1 weeks notice and he moves out.
Make sure he goes.
He's a massive cocklodger and will cling on for as long as possible if you don't control and sort it out.
He has family and friends close by so of course he has places to go.
Make sure you give him notice and do it today!
Well done ending it.
You do NOT come across as pathetic at all.
You've been played but don't let him keep doing it.
Get him gone.
My response to "the depression is kicking in already"?
"Oh dear, good luck finding someone who will put up with your emotional needs"
If you were the only thing keeping his depression at bay, maybe he should have been a lot nicer to you then! His life isnt your problem. He has no-where to go? Not your problem.
Do you have any good friends that you can invite to stay with you for a little bit so that he has to leave? "Ill need you to have moved out to your mums or elsewhere by x date as Cynthia will be staying here that week, Ive told her we've broken up and that youll have moved out by then."
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