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late 30's, want a child, not sure my bf and I entirely in the same place

(29 Posts)
FedUpWithJudgementalPeople Sat 02-Jan-16 13:38:09

I am 37 and think I would like a child (although appreciate I am running out of time).

I've been with my bf a year - we've had a lovely year together and a lovely Christmas. We've talked loosely about having children etc but it's all very vague etc.

I mentioned to him the other day that if things were still as good between us next time this year then I would want to try for a baby. He agreed. He gets that my biological clock is ticking and he is slightly older so says he doesn't want to be too old a dad.

However I feel a bit like it's all discussed in a fairly hypothetical way. Really were we thinking of trying for a baby we would need to perhaps think about living together this year. Living together has also been mooted but again I feel it's fairly hypothetical with no firm plans.

In some ways I feel I am rushing a bit because of biology. I would like us to have some more time together, just enjoying each other etc. This year I'd like us to go on a decent holiday together etc and just spend more time together. I have to say that until recently I was apprehensive about living with someone. I've done it before and it didn't work out well. But he was away recently and I really missed him and it made me think that actually I might want to live with him.

He freely talks about "when we have children" and getting married etc but my experience (of other men, not him necessarily) is that talk is cheap. It's actions that matter and I don't want to be the one pushing the children agenda.

The problem is my age really. Which I can't change.

Anyway this is a bit of a brain dump. Not sure what I'm asking for advice on!

I'm just worried I invest time in something that doesn't work out how I want it too.

AuntieStella Sat 02-Jan-16 13:45:01

He doesn't have a biological clock ticking, so won't feel the same urgency.

Time is not on your side, though there's still a good few years when DC will be more achievable for you than not.

Having DC with someone you are not even living with does strike me as somewhat risky though (assuming you want to at least start out with a two parent family). So what needs to be done to get from being 'hypothetically' in favour of living together to actually moving in?

Also, read up on the differences between cohabitation and marriage now. When you start sharing major joint assets and/or either of you (often the mother in practice) takes an income/career progression hit, you need to be aware of what legal implications are (in the event of incapacitation if either adult, death or split) and be sure you are happy with the arrangements you have in place.

Trills Sat 02-Jan-16 13:47:14

If you think about having a baby (or starting trying for a baby) in the next year then I would be getting a move on with moving in together.

You may move in and realise that you don't want to live together!

Can you find a time to properly talk about budgets, locations, etc? Do you have the same sort of ideas of what you want in a house/flat?

ittooshallpass Sat 02-Jan-16 14:05:57

Nothing ever works out how we expect it to.

You say you 'think' you want a baby. Do you? Or do you think you ought to as you get closer to 40?

Do you love your bf? You missing him when he's not there is not quite the same as living with someone.

If you weren't 37 and felt time was running out would you want to be with your bf? Or are you making it work because you feel time is running out?

It's okay not to feel ready yet.

But likewise probably not realistic to have years of dating and planning a big white wedding.

As you want a big holiday next year, it sounds to me that you're not really ready, but are worried that if you wait until you are ready and bf back-tracks you end up with no bf and no baby.

Having said that... your dp sounds up for it. I've never had anyone talk to me about 'when we get married and have children....' It sounds like you are on the same page. The next step is to sort out the time line.

It sounds like you communicate well. If you really want a baby. Go for it.

FedUpWithJudgementalPeople Sat 02-Jan-16 15:22:22

Thanks for the feedback so far, and sorry for seeming a bit jumbled.

I love him and think he is one of the best people I know. I think we have something good together.

I'm probably not ready to move in together or have a baby right now. I'm wary about it. I lived with someone else for 5 years and it was a disaster. He took the piss out of me on a number of different levels.

I would like to just spend more time together and go on eg a two week holiday ;we've been away together a couple of times) but for a maximum of 5 days so far.

But I'm worried if I don't move fast enough then like you say I will end up being too old for children.

basejump Sat 02-Jan-16 15:51:06

Hi, about the age thing, from all the women I know in their late 30s and early 40s, I was quite literally the only one who wasn't able to get pregnant either naturally (as the vast majority did) or with help. Two of my friends had first babies naturally at 39 and 40, one had her second naturally at 42. I started trying at 36 but it didn't work out. I'm not saying that to worry you ! There is an awful lot of hype about declining fertility and there is obviously truth in it, but if my friends' experiences are anything to go by the door is by no means about to slam in your face.

You could get your fertility tested if that would reassure you ? An antral follicle count and an AMH blood test. It's not an exact science but you should get an idea of how fertile you still are. I did this and the results were not good, so I pushed the issue with my now DH.

Best of luck !

Offred Sat 02-Jan-16 15:59:27

I think you need to consider the having DC question separately from the having DC with him question.

How much do you want to have DC quite apart from your relationship with him?

How much of the thinking about DC is related to your desire to move forward in your relationship with him?

Offred Sat 02-Jan-16 15:59:54

I.e. If you broke up today, would you still be thinking about DC?

April2013 Sat 02-Jan-16 16:05:17

I think it perhaps depends if you want 1 or 2 - if you ideally want 2 or to have the option of 2 then you might need to throw caution to the wind and do living together now and TTC soonish. I am 35 and it has taken me 5 years to get to pregnant with number 2 with a 3 year old, I wasn't thinking too much beyond 1 baby initially but when he was born I felt desperate for a second. The other thing is perhaps living together a better test of a relationship than a holiday in terms of whether you are ready for a baby together - could you both do a 6 mth rental contract together as a trial? It would be such a shame if your past relationships stopped you from getting the family set up you wanted, even if the family set up you ideally want is not clear at the moment - I think if you are sensible and jump in whilst keeping your options open (eg 6 mth rental contract but there must be other options that also give you relatively easy ways to back out of living together if needed) then jumping in is fine, maybe you could do that and then start TTC on your summer holiday or Xmas 2016? I do think men don't fully get the pressure us women are under on the biological clock front so it is OK if you lead this a bit, I don't think men are bombarded with stuff about this to the extent that we are at all.

FedUpWithJudgementalPeople Sat 02-Jan-16 18:42:13

Basejump - fertility testing might be an idea. I take you did that through Bupa or something? Do you mind me asking how much it cost?

I agree there is quite a lot of scaremongering about age vs fertility for what it's worth.

FedUpWithJudgementalPeople Sat 02-Jan-16 18:48:08

Offred - this is an interesting question and I've had to think about it a bit.

I don't think I want children so much that if I were suddenly single I would go it alone. I've a friend who got pregnant using a sperm donor - I don't see myself going down that route.
I'd probably just try and lead as full a life as I could and fill it with other things.

But...I think I do want a child with him. I want that for us. I think we'd be good parents.

I'm not sure what conclusion that gets to me - I think just that I want to build a life with him.

FedUpWithJudgementalPeople Sat 02-Jan-16 18:53:14

April - thanks for your post which is very sensible advice.

I would probably be ok with one if it came to it. I'm an only myself as it happens. I think he would want more than one though!

Re living together - yes I think I do need to consider how we could live together that doesn't involve me selling my flat immediately. Possibly he could move in here for a bit, although I'd be keen to make sure he feels like an equal rather than its my flat sort of thing. He rents at the moment so we do have some flexibility. Alternatively I could rent my flat out and then we rent somewhere together - for a bit anyway till we see how it goes.

Also agreed re not letting previous relationships hold me back. It just has made me very cautious in a lot of ways so I do tend to overthink things.

wickedwaterwitch Sat 02-Jan-16 18:53:23

Iiwy I would crack on tbh - even if you get pregnant quickly you'll be 40 with a 3-4 year old. Which is fine, of course, but the older you get the harder very small children are, I think.

I had my second at 37 and wouldn't have wanted to leave it much later.

I'd be having a serious conversation with him about it - if you want children I think you should get on with it really.

Inmybackyard Sat 02-Jan-16 18:58:09

You can waste a lot of time waiting for milestones and overthinking this. In your situation I'd move in sooner rather than later. If it goes wrong, so what? Think of it as lancing a boil. You're not going to become more compatible by waiting it out to see what happens. A year living together, then a chat about the future, then if you're on the same page you're looking at giving birth at 39ish. That's doable, and doesn't feel at all rushed. More importantly if it does go wrong sooner rather than later it puts you in a better position to start again. IME people tend to know what's right for them by late 30s and move to action rather than hypotheticals.

Offred Sat 02-Jan-16 18:58:27

The conclusion that gives me is that you like this guy and want to build a life with him.

For you, children are not an absolute requirement though if you have them you would want to have them with him.

You can envisage a happy life without children.

I think the conclusion I would draw from that is you focus on building the relationship with him and a life together and if the right time for children comes along within reasonable fertility you make the choice to try or not at that time rather than now...

wickedwaterwitch Sat 02-Jan-16 19:00:37

And I know it feels as if you have plenty of time but if you think ahead - having a child at 38, say, means you'll be 56 when the child is 18.

There's nothing wrong with that but personally I'm glad I didn't leave it any later (I'll be 55 when my daughter is 18)

Good luck whatever you decide!

Offred Sat 02-Jan-16 19:03:52

If he is keen on children I would make sure he is aware that it is a pretty soon or never situation and discuss how strong his feelings are; would he leave for a younger woman etc.

Thankgodforthat Sat 02-Jan-16 19:07:23

I left trying to conceive till I was 37 and it was too late for me sadly (unexplained infertility.) It happens for some women easily but not everyone so I would get on with it if I were you.

Of course I might have had problems had I been younger, who knows, but there would have been more options available to me.

I would push things along even if it seems a bit soon in your relationship.

Thankgodforthat Sat 02-Jan-16 19:08:51

Btw I did have children eventually but not in the conventional way.

SchnitzelVonKrumm Sat 02-Jan-16 19:10:17

I know loads of women who had babies in their late 30s and early 40s, me included, but I also know a lot who tried and failed, including a few who'd conceived easily not long before.

And the thing is, all the potential remedies for infertility can take ages just to get started with, which is frustrating and dispiriting even if you're 25 but even more so if the window is closing anyway. My DC1 was born when I was 34, two years and three miscarriages after we started trying, and having seen more than one set of friends driven to divorce by stress of IVF, I thank my lucky stars that I at least had the luxury of time.

So if you do want to have a child - it's not compulsory - my advice is don't delay. And good luck.

scarednoob Sat 02-Jan-16 19:10:54

My friend had a "how many eggs do you have left" fertility check when she was in your position. Just had her first at 39!

I agree you should get something like that done and that will help your thinking. Fwiw I was 37 when we tried for DD and got pregnant the first month ( poor old OH was anticipating months of shagging!), so it can be just as easy in late 30's!

basejump Sat 02-Jan-16 19:13:59

Hi, I went to the Zita West clinic in London for a so-called "Fertility MOT", it cost around £150 if I remember correctly. All fertility clinics offer it I think. There is some controversy about whether the AMH blood test is that accurate but my levels were lower than average for my age and I couldn't conceive.

scarednoob Sat 02-Jan-16 19:14:09

That came out a bit wrong - I just meant that it can be easy as I was reassured by that sort of story when I was 35 and single.

MimiSunshine Sat 02-Jan-16 19:27:38

Could you not sit down and say you like to make some semi firm plans. Something like you'd like to aim to have a baby together by the end of 2017 so how about you plan a good holiday for early June this year and look to move in together in August / early September.
You'll have been together c.18 or so months by then and had the holiday and it gives him chance to give notice on his place and either move in with you or for you to find tenants and a flat together.

If it all goes well for rest of the year living together then you start trying next new year.

Jw35 Sat 02-Jan-16 19:29:39

Op you can buy a fertility test yourself. I got one from eBay I think! Boots also do a men's one.

I'd crack on if I were you. I'm 36 and pregnant with my 3rd and last. I feel much more tired than I did in my 20's with my first child. The next few years are crucial if you're serious about having a baby. Over 40 and the risk of mc rises dramatically. Best of luck

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