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How do you ever know if it's real?

(10 Posts)
Bishopsbuddy Sat 02-Jan-16 08:31:11

I have been with my partner for 6 years we have two children together. At the start of our relationship he had various emotional affairs over the Internet with unknown women who it seems just talked dirty to him. It happened again when I was pregnant. I found out about both times at the same time and I decided it was better to forgive and forget and we moved on. The problem is I have a strong feeling he's doing it again fours years later. I don't know if it's just me being paranoid and I don't want to confront him and seem like a loon. How do I know if I'm being paranoid or he is cheating again. We haven't had set since May. He says he loves me and we get on well. He works away mon to Thursday. Any advice.

ThisIsStillFolkGirl Sat 02-Jan-16 08:42:32

With the caveat that this is my opinion and others may not share it, you were a fool to forgive him at the beginning (that should have been a dealbreaker and an immediate dumping), you were a fool to forgive him the second time (fool me once, shame on you, fool ne twice...) and you'd be a fool to forgive him a third.

He has form, you and he haven't had sex for months, and he works away Monday to Thursday? It's writing itself tbh.

ThisIsStillFolkGirl Sat 02-Jan-16 08:45:47

Oh in case it wasn't clear, I don't think your suspicions make you sound like a loon and given his history, I don't think it really matters what he thinks.

I think, given the history, you'd be right to be concerned. And given tjat you're now suspicious too...

Is it really worth the hassle?

Bishopsbuddy Sat 02-Jan-16 09:03:15

It kind of is. We have two little boys. I don't subscribe to the LTB school of thought. I do believe in working at a relationship which is why I didn't leave to start with. When I sit and think about it I can't pin down why I'm suspicious other than the sex thing I guess. I have also made it very clear if he does it again I'm gone.

AuntieStella Sat 02-Jan-16 09:08:31

It's usually unwise to confront someone when you don't have enough proof. They can just deny it. You can't prove otherwise and if they are lying it's a way of entrenching you as a person they do not need to respect even to the basic level of being generally truthful.

What you do have is a history of cheating (at least to the EA level), regular absences, an absence of sex and a gut feeling that he's up to something.

And you are unhappy.

If you really believe that this can be improved, I'd with those things, and see how he responds.

I'd also ask for a change in his working pattern so he is no longer away from home (might take a while to achieve, but point out that family happiness is not measured in cash terms).

Bishopsbuddy Sat 02-Jan-16 09:45:09

Thank you Auntie Stella. That is good advice. I will chat to him tonight about how I'm feeling. I know he has huge amounts of stress at work as at the Christmas dinner all his colleagues and their wives were complaining about the long hours and stress levels. However I agree our family is suffering here and we need to put that right. Thank you

ColdWhiteWinePlease Sat 02-Jan-16 10:28:05

You haven't had sex since May? And he works away Mon-Thu? If he isn't getting sex elsewhere, I will eat my hat. In fact, I will eat all of the hats in the hat drawer!

I think you really need to wake up. Sorry.

SongBird16 Sat 02-Jan-16 11:00:47

I know it's very unhelpful but I honestly don't know why you would go on to have two children with this man after discovering what he was capable of.

My guess is he never stopped but just got better at hiding it, and the reason you're unsettled now is because it's stepped up a gear to an actual physical relationship that has changed the emotional temperature of your marriage completely.

In the past he has demonstrated a lack of respect for you, an ability to lie and deceive and a sexual interest in other women. He now also has the opportunity to pursue an affair, since he works away during the week. He's getting sex somewhere and what's more the fact that he isn't still sleeping with you suggests a degree of loyalty to her.

You need to do some digging and protect yourself before confronting him IMO.

ThisIsStillFolkGirl Sat 02-Jan-16 12:49:58

You don't subscribe to the ltb school of thought? Is this your first ever relationship then?

Because if not, then you have clearly ended other relationships. What are your dealbreakers then? Or are you one of these women who thinks you should stand by your man no matter what?

You didn't have 2 children the first time he did it and there's no point in working on a relationship if the other person is only half in it. That's flogging a dead horse.

He has no respect for you.

If you're not going to 'ltb', why does it matter whether he is cheating in you or not?

Joysmum Sat 02-Jan-16 13:00:20

I believe in working at it too but you can't work at it enough if the other person isn't.

He knew the first time how much he hurt you and you 'worked at it' but he still fix it the second time.

Now you suspect he's at it a third time. You don't trust him, never will again and you're in a relationship that certainly wouldn't be be enough for most people who couldn't live for the rest of lives without trust.

That's not what I'd want for my daughter and I'd tell her she deserved better. Why aren't you deserving of a relationship with trust. You can't try your way back to trust again.

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