Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Leaving husband?

(12 Posts)
stretchmarkqueen0109 Fri 01-Jan-16 21:02:25

Hi all,
Long time lurker but never posted but I feel I need advice that people here can give me.
I currently live overseas with my husband (forces) and currently feel our relationship is struggling for a number of reasons I will try and cover here.
We have a 20 month old DS and I am the main carer due to working part time to DH full time. I rarely get a lie in as DH feels I am a mother and it is my job to get up early with him or in the night, even on weekends when I need to be up for work and he doesn't.
I do the vast majority of the housework but it is not Upto the almost sterile standards he has been brought up with, he even runs a finger along the top of doors! He also gets cross that the house is messy when all there is lying around are toys.He has recently had a few weeks leave whilst I continued to work and again it fell to me to do all the chores. Washing doesn't count as having been done as the machine does all the work...?!
I also cook all meals if I am not working in the evening.
He can be quite a heavy drinker and recent sought mental health support as scored quite highly as being alcohol dependent but only went a few times as he felt there was nothing wrong with him. In the last 3 weeks he has
Probably been drunk at least 6 times,
He was hungover on Christmas Day and spent most of it in bed so my son and I spent it the two of us.
My son loves pushing buggies around at friends Houses so I found a little blue one which immediately went in the bin sad he says he shouldn't have toys like that and it's my fault if he's gay.
Money is a bit of a nightmare; now that I work it's less worrying as I have money of my own but before it was very much his money, he could do what he liked with it, such as his recent 1k in a casino, and I was questioned for 20€ in the supermarket.
He calls me names, recently I was a degenerate cunt because a separate bank account I has recently went slightly overdrawn (confusion with exchange rates and delays in money moving). I
Am also a "black cunt" for not being spotlessly clean.
He says I am a horrible person and not a single person likes me, that my family are horrible people (they are not I truly have a wonderful family).
We never do anything as a family, he is hungover or has far more Important things to do, such as watch football or anything on the tv. When I try bring this up he always rants about how I get everything I want he works for our house clothes etc. I tell him I don't mean material things but it falls on deaf ears. If he's out and comes in the tv is immediately changed to something I want to watch, he has no regard for my preferences in anything.
I'm sorry for the long spiel that probably doesn't make sense I'm just trying to gather my thoughts and hopefully someone on the outside looking in can offer me advice.
I return to the uk tomorrow for a few weeks and I'm really struggling with what to do next.

cheapskatemum Fri 01-Jan-16 21:09:29

As someone on the outside, looking in, I would say that you are putting up with some despicable behaviour. Do you want to stay married to someone who treats you this badly? Your DS will grow up seeing this as the model of how a husband treats a wife.

wannabestressfree Fri 01-Jan-16 21:16:31

You have my utmost sympathy and I know not all forces men are the same but I went through similar with DS2's father. Impossible standards, heavy drinking, STI when pregnant (he got hep b from a prostitute) went away just after I had son (was 3 days post section)
His mother would blame the army. I am just glad we got out. He sees DS2 very rarely and is still in the army....

stretchmarkqueen0109 Fri 01-Jan-16 21:22:18

Cheapskate- you're right I know. DH comes
From a very "shouty" family so I feel top volume is considered normal and speaking to each other the way they do and it is definitely not how I want to raise my own child.

Wannabe- yes I am lucky to be friends and colleagues with some wonderful forces men and hope I'm not coming across as painting them all with the same brush. At the minute I feel stressed and waiting for the next argument; work is wonderful and a nice refuge. Did you feel relief when you left?

I feel at the minute I am being weighed down with the pressure of making a decision if that makes sense?

Morganly Fri 01-Jan-16 21:23:58

He is abusive. I do think you should leave him. Are you staying in the UK without him? Are you staying with family? This might be a good opportunity to ask for help from your family and see a solicitor to work out what is the best way to separate.

stretchmarkqueen0109 Fri 01-Jan-16 21:27:44

Yes returning to the uk without him to stay with family.
My are generally aware of what's gone on and want me to stay put, good idea about the solicitor thanks. I have already emailed the local
Council re housing but they're most likely on Christmas break as its not urgent so hopefully can get some advice from them too

allthegoodnamesalreadytaken Fri 01-Jan-16 21:33:14

He sounds like an absolutely awful person. He will be a terrible example to your son as he grows up with this image of what a man is supposed to be. I've got quite a few family members in the forces and despite having seen and experienced terrible things none of them treat their wives like this. You deserve better OP. Plan your exit strategy and run for the hills

Ledkr Fri 01-Jan-16 21:34:54

No no no!
Don't live like this!
You really don't have to, people don't anymore.
It's not normal and a waste of a good life.
Look into making your own life away from this prick.

stretchmarkqueen0109 Fri 01-Jan-16 21:38:34

Thanks all, I feel I am quite an educated person and know really that it isn't acceptable.
I am just terrified of having to make the plunge and go for it. I have made lots of sacrifices
To follow him and do not feel it is worthwhile
For me.
I am lucky I have a wonderful supportive family who will help me back on my feet again and I can reconnect with friends.
Now just to find some courage

Ledkr Fri 01-Jan-16 21:44:18

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/698029-Right-listen-up-everybody

Take some time to read and digest this.

Oh and here, you can have some if my courage. I don't need so much these days.
Good luck x

inlectorecumbit Fri 01-Jan-16 21:57:03

Oh and try and remember to take all important documents with you if you can to the UK, just in case you never return,

Good luck

Overabarell Fri 01-Jan-16 22:44:50

Thinking of youflowers

Be brave - I know personally that easier said than done but I'm rooting for you.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now