Holidays with DH: So frustrating!

[aquadoodledo]

I feel a little ungrateful writing this here tbh as I know there are plenty of families who would love to spend all of every school holiday together. However, it's driving me crazy. My husband that is.
We are both teachers and have a toddler, I work part-time (if you can call it that) and DH is full time. Every school holiday we have together is spent arguing and by the end, I can't wait to return to work for a break from him.
Our jobs are pretty demanding to say the least, so I understand that DH wants to 'rest' during his very well earned break, but we're so busy during the week that a lot of household jobs are put on hold. DH never finishes jobs and I see our holidays as a chance to yes, rest but also try to catch up. I spend my entire holiday giving DH instructions on what to do next because without them, he's super-glued to the sofa with a remote control in his hand.
He's a fabulous Dad and plays with DS inbetween switching the channels, but all whilst I run around like a blue-arsed fly. I'd quite like to play with DS myself and have a rest but I'm doing all of our household jobs without any help from him unless I request it. He seemingly has no motivation for anything whatsoever. He doesn't have to plan, organise anything. I found xmas a big pile of stress on top of an already enormous to-do list, he just appears to wander around at a leisurely pace asking me irritating questions about what I'm doing and why. My friend referred to him as an ' old man' last week. I've thought the same myself!

I feel I spend my time at work giving instructions to children, I dont want to spend my hols giving them to a fully grown man. It's depressing. Today I snapped that I was glad the Christmas holiday was coming to an end so that I didn't have to battle with him anymore. I feel really guilty.
Perhaps we are just spending far too much time together when we're not at work?
Holidays away from home are much better and I enjoy his company.
Every holiday we spend at home together is just a huge chore.
How can I get him to help more without giving him so many sodding instructions all the time?

[Teaandcakeat8]

I think this is such a man thing.
If I took a day off work with nothing much to do, in the end I would be doing cleaning, running errands, food shopping etc.

My ex dp would take the day off and sit on the sofa until I came home.

Can you just leave him a list of jobs to do? My ex dp used to get annoyed when he felt I was nagging home, but if I just gave him jobs to do for the day he would feel that he still got to relax. Eg, if you're going food shopping, could you just say 'would you mind hoovering and taking the rubbish out at some point today?'

When he thought he had all day to do a couple of jobs it didn't seem so much of a hardship and he could plan it around his TV watching!

[SolsburyHell]

You sound really difficult to live with tbh. Yes, I agree that jobs can be caught up with during annual leave but rest is also essential.
You sound like different personality types who will never agree though. How much of what you are asking him to do is really essential and how much is a wish list?

[wafflerinchief]

I'm like you too, but now having 2 dc and a ft+ job, my advice is that you need to prioritise rest too, and you need to sit your dh down and make it clear which chores are on his plate for completion.

[scandichick]

It's not a man thing, it's a can't be arsed thing! I'd have serious issues with all the boring stuff being yours to organise - does he think that's your job because you are a womanwork part-time?

I'd have a discussion about this before the next holidays and demand equal fun time. What do you think he'd say about that?

[aquadoodledo]

I would probably class walking the dog, picking up his mess after him and clearing dirty dishes away and not leaving them littering the lounge pretty essential tbh Solsbury. On top unfinished jobs such as removing chopped foliage messing up our garden from the summer and picking his dirty clothes up.

[M48294Y]

It sounds like you have different expectations of the kind of environment you want to live in.

One of my best friends is forever redecorating/fiddling with/tweaking her already lovely home. They are always having new things done, workmen in, change of decor here, change of wardrobe there. She moans to me that her dh who works 60 hours a week sometimes likes to sit and read the paper!

I would find her impossible to live with tbh, I don't know how he does it.

Are you a bit like my friend op?

[aquadoodledo]

Scandi-chick: I think me working part-time has a lot to do with it, but when we've discussed it in the past he's always said he 'doesn't see mess as a problem.' I once demanded we had a cleaner if he wasnt going to help me and he refused it based on the fact that cleaning 'isnt necessary.' He does help me now, but it's the constant reminding and badgering I have to do that really gets me down. A lot of men I know see having a clean tidy house as important as many of my female friends. My DH just doesn't. It was very accepted that he was just a 'messy person' throughout his upbringing. Changing his ways is really hard.

[littleleftie]

Ok, so either he gets his arse together and does his fair share, or he, yes, he pays for a cleaner/gardner/ironing service.

[Nydj]

A cleaner isn't necessary was the reason? Does that mean that he only spends money on absolute necessities? Are neither of you 'allowed' to spend any money on things that will improve the quality of your life or does this rule only apply to you?

[aquadoodledo]

He will only spend money on absolute necessities. He's a very practical man who isn't fussed by things looking nice and I am the complete opposite... having a nice home means a lot to me. Not a perfect home-I'm not up to those standards! But just nice and welcoming.

[aquadoodledo]

Not at all M48.
We rarely decorate. I make a lot of things myself so rarely buying new items etc. I'd just like a bit of enthusiasm to help with the everyday things.

[littleleftie]

But it is necessary - it is necessary for your emotional well being.

What would happen if you booked the gardener/cleaner/ironer? Do you have access to joint funds to pay for it?

[binkiesandpopcorns]

Solsbury: You sound really difficult to live with tbh

so she spends all her holidays running around like a blue arsed fly and he sits on the sofa superglued to the remote and you say SHE's the difficult one to live with. WTAF. Really just WTAF

Unless you are the DH

[HopefulHamster]

I like relaxing. It's annoying if I've chosen a moment to rest and my DH decides that precise moment is the right time to moan about XYZ being untidy. But you can't relax alllll holiday.

Don't know about OP but we don't have a dishwasher. I HATE dishes. But if I ignored them for a single day they'd pile up pretty quick. Some stuff has to be kept on top of.

There's a certain type of person who thinks they 'deserve' some nice time off, but they don't think through what would happen if everyone did the same.

[wafflerinchief]

picking up dog mess, walking the dog - these are hardly inessentials, that's a health hazard for your dc - my dog not infrequently steps in his business immediately after he's done it & walks it in (old and clumsy) leaving dog mess around is insanitary and he's being pretty disgusting. I'm sure a compromise is possible - but of the things you mention, nothing shouts fussy to me and I'm not especially house-proud. What's stopping you sitting him down and having another chat with a serious conclusion - you do these chores in this agreed timeframe or the cleaner's coming Wednesday.

[Thymeout]

There's a qualitative as well as a quantitative difference between teaching full-time and part-time. Yes, as you imply, your part-time job probably feels like a full-time job, the number of hours you spend working at home. So what does his full-time one feel like?

Ime, many teachers spend the first week of the holidays in a mindless state of recovery from the previous term, often falling sick the day after breaking up. He needs that time on the sofa to recharge his batteries, physically as well as mentally. Must be v irritating having you whizzing round with the hoover or talking about DIY that needs to be done.

I agree with others. Agree on a realistic to do list, with catch-up projects for the second week, and just basic stuff as a daily routine. And plan some fun family outings when you can enjoy each other's company.

[aquadoodledo]

I'd be quite happy to have a relaxing first week, followed by a productive second week. But DH is more difficult to motivate once in the 'feet up' state of mind. I'm hardly whizzing around with the hoover all day... I dont get chance and besides, we agreed it's one of his jobs. The first week of my 'break' was spent finishing off our christmas shopping after taking care of a poorly toddler for almost 2 weeks. It would have been nice for DH to have cracked on with a few basic bits and bobs in the mean time. He was instead filling his time with quite a few christmassy social events with his friends.

[Ooogetyooo]

A cleaner it is then

[Allgunsblazing]

OP, I see it as basic lack of respect, how you H behaves. Personally, I would stop cooking, washing etc for him, since it's not that important.

[Gooseysgirl]

Definitely get a cleaner

[HandyWoman]

If you both teach and have dc: you Need. A. Cleaner.

Which then also means he NEEDS to not leave clothes etc on the floor.

This will stop you resenting him so much that you eventually divorce him.

And mean you have some energy/capacity for dealing with things like Christmas.

This is fundamental.

He can disagree and whinge, but he doesn't get to overrule, especially when he is so disrespectful as to be happy watching you kill yourself trying to keep up.

[aquadoodledo]

Thanks Handywoman. You're right.

Everything you have said makes sense.

[redexpat]

I think you need a discussion about how you want your lives to be. Read how to do everything and be happy by peter jones as he explains it better than i can. And fwiw since getting a cleaner our quality of life has improved tremendously.

[magoria]

if he doesn't see picking up his dirty clothing as important just shove it in a heap and leave it there.

[Bogeyface]

Picking up his dirty washing isnt important to him? OK.

From tomorrow, washing anything that isnt yours or your childs isnt important to you. When he questions it, hand him the washing machine manual and tell him to fill his boots. You'll be surprised how much suddenly becomes important when he has to do it instead of taking you for granted by assuming that you will do it.

People who get all the chores done for them but say that they dont care about a messy house are lying, they just dont want to do them themselves.