Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

How do you know when enough is enough?

(11 Posts)
KeepSmiling83 Fri 01-Jan-16 08:07:04

Hi

I've read these boards a lot but never posted. I've had a rubbish year (18 months really) where I discovered my DH had been unfaithful. It was one time although he had been texting other people too - I am fairly confident of what he has done (I can't say how but I know that what he eventually told me is the truth). He has been diagnosed with MH problems and is on medication and attending counselling. He is also going to lose his job. I discovered his cheating at the beginning of the year just before I was due to have our second child.

I decided I wanted to try to make a go of it and we have agreed to go to counselling. However I just don't know if I have it in me. Everyone has been looking forward to NYE and I just feel sad. I feel sad that he has put us through all this. I feel sad that this is my life now and I'm with someone who obviously doesn't love me as much as I believe a husband should. But the thought of leaving terrifies me. I'm not worried financially and I have an amazingly supportive family so know I would be ok but I just never thought this would be my life. I swing between really wanting to make a go of it to wanting to leave. What makes its hard is that I felt we were so happy before I discovered this (the cheating had actually happened a couple of years ago - not when I found out).

How do you know when enough is enough? I honestly don't know what to do. Does it just become clear one day and you know what to do? Part of me is scared because we have been together so long and all of my friends are married with children so I know I will feel so out of place if we separate. But I also realise that's not a reason to stay. I did really love him and we still have moments of being happy but not very often. I know that is because I'm still so angry at what he has done so I do make it difficult for him.

I suppose what I'm asking is will I just know what to do eventually and I just need time to come to that decision?

MoMoTy Fri 01-Jan-16 08:14:47

The fact that it's been a year and you still aren't sure that you want to work it out, tells me you have had enough. The trust has been broken, he's damaged the family in a way, he's changed from what you thought him to be, that's a lot to accept.
You shouldn't stay because you feel the alternative is so much harder. It only gets harder to leave later on.
Did counselling help? Have you seen genuine remorse and change from him?

12purpleapples Fri 01-Jan-16 08:20:10

It took me years of trying to make it work, and knowing that it wasn't a proper relationship and was not going to be. Still I couldn't see any way out. In the end it was a combination of things - becoming aware that by staying in that situation that I was missing out on the opportunity to potentially have a good relationship, thinking about whether I wanted to waste any more years on something that wasn't working, and realising that this was the only life i was going to get, so that I needed to act to make it better. Also realising that I wasn't setting my children a good example of what a relationship should look like.
It was really hard though, and still is. In the end I became convinced that we had to split, and that reduced my anxieties about the practical stuff, because I no longer felt like it was optional, but that it was something that had to happen.

Good luck with working out your own situation.

RiceCrispieTreats Fri 01-Jan-16 08:28:55

Change is always frightening. It sounds like you'd be dying a slow dear if you stayed, though.

I left when I realised that I didn't need my ex, and also no longer wanted him - so there was no more reason to stay.

KeepSmiling83 Fri 01-Jan-16 08:30:51

Thanks for the replies. We haven't actually been to counselling yet. There are some things going on with his job which mean we can't attend yet. We went to one session and the counsellor told us to come back once these practical things were resolved.

He has been remorseful and things have changed. Don't get me wrong there are times when I feel like he doesn't realise what he has done but things are different. I feel panic at the thought of leaving him but don't know if that's fear of the unknown or because I just don't want to leave if that makes sense?

RiceCrispieTreats Fri 01-Jan-16 08:32:53

It's fear of the unknown.

If you didn't want to leave him, you'd be feeling things like love and determination.

timelytess Fri 01-Jan-16 08:35:08

You thought you were happy, but he was already cheating. I just mention that in passing.

Current situation - you aren't happy together. That's good enough reason to part.

KeepSmiling83 Fri 01-Jan-16 09:01:58

Thank you.

Sometimes I think it helps to hear it from someone else. I know I will be able to support my DC when I go back to work after maternity but we will have to move house as I can't afford to stay here on my own. I suppose I need to start getting things in order. There is no need to leave today so I have time to get my finances in order and find somewhere else to live.

I'm so sad it has come to this. We have known each other since we were young and we're friends for years before getting together. I've lost one of my friends as well as husband.

KeepSmiling83 Fri 01-Jan-16 09:06:48

I also find it so hard as all our friends/family know and I feel like they are judging every decision I make. They keep saying 'I wouldn't have stayed in your position' etc. Also, my dad had an affair and him and my mum worked through it and are very happy 20 years later so I hate feeling like I'm giving up. I just have so many conflicting feelings!

12purpleapples Fri 01-Jan-16 09:17:32

It is sad, but the other people aren't in your position, so they don't know how you feel.
This isn't about you giving up, its about taking a brave proactive step to do whats right in the long term, and change is always harder than sticking with the status quo.

cupcakesandwine Fri 01-Jan-16 09:49:11

For me there definitely was a day when I knew I had run out of steam. I had tried everything to carry on, but one day a very quiet little inner voice pointed out that however hard I tried, nothing would change the fact that he had thought someone was better than me and had not valued me and that ultimately I could only be me and I was worth more than this. My ExH and I had been together all my adult life, nearly 30 years.

I ended it that day. FWIW whilst I have mourned the loss of the man I thought he was and the family life I wanted, I have never doubted that I did the right thing and that was four years ago.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now