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Have I lost the plot?

(21 Posts)
ARW1977 Thu 31-Dec-15 14:04:47

I have a husband and two lovely kids under 6. A full time well paid job, two houses (one here and one abroad) and what most would consider, at least materially, a nice life. I've worked hard for it and I am the main breadwinner and childcare r. About 5 years ago (one child in) I started losing weight for no reason. The doctors suspected cancer and I went for tests. Turned out to be a chronic but treatable condition. When I was at the hospital I bumped into a guy from work who was recovering from cancer. Husband couldn't make hospital as too busy with work. Went for coffee with guy (divorced 2 kids of his own same job etc) Started friendship. Nothing happened other than what people I think would say was an emotional affair. A few coffees, text messages, odd phone call. 3 years later (so 2 years ago) guy moved back to Australia. This seemed a tipping point. I was convinced I was in love. I nearly left DH to go after him - OM said don't - told DH - he said stay ... All in my head, try again etc. did try - had DD. cut off all contact with OM. Still thought about him a lot and missed him. Couldn't work out why I still thought about him. Read about emotional affairs, tried to rationalise it - was I bored? Was I making it all up in my head? Was I really going to leave everything and go to Australia? How could I do this to my DH? How would he cope? Why wasn't I happy? What was wrong with me? Even though he was on the other side of the world I changed jobs to get away from him (as we were in the same company). 6 months ago I bumped into him at an overseas event by accident. We went from no contact to me sleeping with him. It was good then it was awful. He left the next morning and couldn't really look at me. I came home. I got an STD. Serves me right of course so I just cried, took the drugs and recovered on my own. I've told no one this. I cut off all ties again. 6 months later I am still thinking about him. Why? I must have lost the plot. I haven't told my DH what happened. I know I probably should but I don't know what that would achieve? Should I get some counselling? Have I lost my mind? I realise of course that what I have done is awful but what do I do now?

Leelu6 Thu 31-Dec-15 14:18:13

Sounds like an infatuation. i would cut all contact, no fb, anything. Delete his number. You may need some cognitive behaviour therapy to find ways to stop thinking about him obsessively. Focus on his bad points and why a relationship with him will not work, and what a separation will mean to your family. I'm assuming DH wasn't affected by your STD?

RealityCheque Thu 31-Dec-15 14:21:33

If this was a man posting about picking up an STD from an OW......

antimatter Thu 31-Dec-15 14:23:12

Maybe worth looking into counselling to understand what makes you want someone who is really a forbidden fruit.
I believe a lot of our decisions are made based on what we witnessed and took as a norm as kids and is ingrained in us.
Have you considered it?

ARW1977 Thu 31-Dec-15 14:24:29

Thanks so much for replying. I've never posted on mums net before just read other posts. No DH was away and we haven't been physical for ages now ... Both too tired. I made sure I was 100 per cent ok before doing anything and God was that shit having to go and have all these tests at my age after 15 years with one person. Yes I have blocked him on all social media and changed phone and blocked him on the phone. I think it is infatuation ... And I expect it's the same for OM - a sort of escape. Haven't thought of CBH but was thinking I should maybe see someone.

winkywinkola Thu 31-Dec-15 14:32:03

Yes. Definitely see someone about your infatuation with this bloke which is based on absolutely nothing.

And you even got yourself a lovely souvenir from your last encounter. How lovely.

Don't you think your h deserves to know the truth? How you put his health at risk too?

He should be given the chance to make his mind up whether he wants to be with someone who almost destroys his life and his family and his trust to emigrate on the basis of a few meetings over coffee and telephone calls. Really?

If you don't want to be married to your h anymore then tell him. Stop lying and cheating and acting like some soppy love stuck teen.

I might sound harsh but your behaviour is pathetic.

Grow up.

ARW1977 Thu 31-Dec-15 14:32:10

Yes and totally agree I deserved it and the humiliation was felt fully and God did it hurt - I lost one of my tubes and got a serious kidney problem. I expect many including me would call it karma. It strangely made me feel better that I had to suffer. keeping this a secret was hard but i have a DH who travels so much he didn't notice which is probably part of the problem.

ARW1977 Thu 31-Dec-15 14:37:28

I have to agree with you winky. I keep telling myself that too ... At my age, must have lost the plot. awful example to kids etc. never would have believed I was capable of something like this.

Leelu6 Thu 31-Dec-15 14:38:04

So you've made a start smile

It sounds like you and DH are in a bit of rut and this man offered some excitement.

It's very difficult to let go of an infatuation, I think we've all been there.

I think the reality of being with this person will be very different to your ideas of what it will be like.

The fact that he couldn't look at you the morning after is telling. Can you think of other things like this?

when you start thinking about him, start doing something physical to push those thoughts away, or make a promise to yourself that you will push thoughts of him away when they come to you.

Or, you could allow yourself 10 minutes to think about him each day, at a set time, and then push thoughts away the rest of the day.

It will really help you to talk about it with someone.

Good luck flowers

antimatter Thu 31-Dec-15 14:41:30

in my experience trying no to think about someone or something makes me do it more.
I need to understand why and once I now this answer I can disassociate.

Leelu6 Thu 31-Dec-15 14:41:46

X post! It's not karma, you did not deserve that.

Forget about what has happened, focus on the future.

ARW1977 Thu 31-Dec-15 14:46:53

Thanks Leelu - it's weird but writing it down even the brief lowlights - was strangely helpful. 5 years of weird infatuation in my head for nothing really other than a painful and embarrassing hospital trip. I don't think my friends would actually believe me if I told them. I think given the time I have sort of had this head escape life I'll look into counselling (expect an earful of more guilt and shame) and see where I go from there.

ARW1977 Thu 31-Dec-15 14:51:30

Anti - agree - need to try and focus on other things and move on. Have thrown myself into work and the kids. But do keep wondering if i was DH would I want to know ... I know it's his choice etc. and many would say tell him. I think before I jump in and blurt it all out I should try the counselling.

longingforfun Thu 31-Dec-15 15:11:11

Just think about where the OM got his std. You werent the only one he was sleeping with. Dirty B.

cardedlady Thu 31-Dec-15 15:14:59

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

longingforfun Thu 31-Dec-15 15:17:52

Reported cardlady

wickedlazy Thu 31-Dec-15 15:20:14

Cardedlady that's uncalled for. Op, you need to decide if you're going to tell him or not. Would you be happier single, with shared childcare?

ARW1977 Thu 31-Dec-15 15:38:01

wickedlady I think I would be but I expect children and DH not. At least if I came clean with it all I'd feel better but the aftermath for all would be rubbish. Hard to know if I am being a coward or kind. And the path to getting their seems a long way. Agree I was an idiot and am being an idiot. I was a more sensible teenager! I've read a lot about divorce, emotional affairs, infatuation etc and my head tells me I am being an idiot and am a classic clique of husband doesn't pay much attention. Some idiot does give me attention so fall for idiot. Get hurt but then don't know what to do ...

ARW1977 Thu 31-Dec-15 15:40:53

The HQ people are quick and carded lady is entitled to her opinion but thank you longingfor fun .. I was just going to try and work out how to delete the thread ..

YouBastardSockBalls Thu 31-Dec-15 15:44:12

HOW many OW on here atm? shock

wickedlazy Fri 01-Jan-16 16:43:55

Why don't you tell dp you've considered divorce, because he doen't pay you any attention. Tell him you have a lot to think about. If he asks you about other men, be honest. If you're not happy, he's probably not either. Secrets or not. No one deserves to be cheated on.

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