Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
im so fed up(18 Posts)
My dp and I have had quite a lot of arguments lately. we have always been very much the sort of people who will have it out if there is an issue but I think lately is gone beyond that. Prime example is today.
We got into an argument about him not pulling his weigt around our home, he will look after himself, ie iron his own clothes, tidy away his own stuff but has to be confronted with his laziness before he will tackle anything else, hovering, cleaning bathroom etc. he is truly terrible with money, will always afford a few drinks with a friend but ask for money to fill the oil tank and he wont have it, is almost 50 years of age and cant save £10 per week. he will comment on my weight, my depression (I'm mad apparently as normal people don't take medication and I need to see someone about my mood swings)
WE each have one child, mine is 8 his is 17. His dd is very volatile at times, has had great issues in the past and has caused quite a few problems in my home too - general attitude, no please, or thank you - going out switching off phone (albeit at age 14) although the bad manners persist. After one to manyrun ins with her I have maintained a polite distances. I will acknowledge her at Christmas, birthdays etc but wont go out of my way.
I try as much as possible to keep my own child away from her as I find her to be a poor role model. I have tried in the past over and over with his dd but I get no where and I just don't have the energy anymore. Her DM harassed me quite severely in the past some I'm wondering if that is was is prompting her behaviour over the years but honestly I'm just done worrying about it.
I think I want ot end things, nothing I do seems to be right and he is saying the same about me, that I'm constantly picking at him. I don't feel I am, I just want an equal partner, he may cook the odd breakfast at weekends but I do the rest, pay for the rest and feel I'm banging my head against a brick wall with it all. I'm sat here in tears and just feel so down and low about it.
he has now accused me of making his dd feel wo unwelcome that she doesn't come to visit any more - she does - normally when I'm asleep or away - I travel with work and am gone from home at least 1 nite per week - even when I'm not there she doesn't call to see him so how is it my fault that she stays away?
sorry that should read, she does call, not very often but that's not down to me, she socialises quite a lot, was allowed alcohol at home since she was 14 so clubbing is quite normal for her.
It's not unreasonable to want to feel equal. If you don't think that's likely then surely there's not any hope.
I think you're right to also consider the impact of his parenting on your child too. If it's not right for your child then you're right to be even more concerned.
he is kind to my child, time wise. I accept that he doesn't have a lot of disposable income but neither do I - though I budget carefully.
I suppose what is bothering me most is the nastiness of him. Him accusing me of basically bullying his dd by not making her feel as welcome as she should in our home etc etc.
He told me I was mental, that I had no friends, that no one liked me and that I had no life. I have friends, many of them for many years, I have lived with and had a child with a man before I met him and he had no issue with me.
His dd's dm is slightly unhinged tbh. I think her child should have gone to live with us when we first got together as her mums influence has not been good on her. She was allowed to live her own life as an adult when she was still a child. letting herself in an out of the house at 12 years old, out drinking, given alcohol at 14 etc etc.
He just keeps saying nasty things to me and then I retaliate. I'm disgusted with him. He hasn't the maturity I think to sort himself out and just move on with things. Ive asked him to move out but we are jointly on the lease so he says he will do as he pleases.
plus he was very proactive in challenging me about what he felt I was doing re his daughter but when her mother was harassing me in the worst ways he was reluctant to do anything to sort that out. The police had to be involved before he would do anything. No concern given to myself or my daughter and the impact that all this was having on us.
the more I think of it the angrier I get. the constant laziness, the spinelessness, the meaness with money except when it comes to himself.
Ive seen him leave his ex short on child maintenance by £20-30 and have spent that in the pub the night before.
cant wait to be well rid!
Fedup I think you've come to your own conclusion by the sounds of it. I have to say, this behaviour of his is well out of order and no way should you be expected to accept it. I don't need to spell it all out cos you've listed all his faults above and are well aware of them yourself.
It doesn't sound like there's any love left in this relationship, so nothing to fight for. He sounds more like a millstone round your neck and I'm sure you and your daughter will feel much relief and happiness when both him and his daughter are out of your lives.
I can't give you much advice re actually how to get him out of the house tho. I hope someone with more knowledge will be along soon to help you. Best wishes though, you're doing the right thing to end it with him. Nobody deserves to be spoken to and treat like that. Don't let him put a downer on your life any longer. BTW...is the depression a result of your relationship or a seperate issue?
moomin sorry, ive had an awful few hours, he has gone out now with a friend (who is having a bad time!!) for a few drinks.
The depression was the result of childhood abuse at the hands of a family member. He told me tonight that I was jealous of him as his family are close and that I don't have one. My answer was that I would rather cut people out of my life who are capable of that or capable of standing by someone who would do something like that. I'm no jealous at all by the way. Also I do tend to cut toxic people out of my life as much as possible, his dd being one of them.
I have been depressed for years and sometimes I am very angry, but I have also been told that I am decent, caring, kind and supportive - not the piece of shit he appears to think I am!
He sounds vindictive and spiteful, even more so given that he knows you have depression. You need a partner who is supportive not someone who will just keep chipping away at your self-worth and kicking you when you're already down.
I'd rather have no partner than someone like him...a negative, nasty old bugger that wants to suck all the positivity out of you and just saps your energy.
I too have gone NC with my estranged toxic family. I really see no reason to allow people that only bring negativity to my life any head space. Totally pointless. Let them spread their poison elsewhere, I'm well rid. I suggest you do the same with this cretin. Think of it as getting an annoying boil lanced!
You and your daughter deserve so much better. Don't let him erode your self-esteem/confidence any longer. He's but a piece of shit on your heel....
He sounds truly toxic and seems to be adding zero value to your life. Your dd doesn't deserve to see her mum treated this way, and you don't want his parenting to influence her. As for his dd, she sounds like a troublemaker and as long as you're with him she will be there as an issue. Sounds like your relationship has run its course.
I agree - he is so stupid really as honestly I have so many nice people in my life who look out for me and I them. he seems to feel that if I stand up for myself (my bllshit threshold is very low - I simply wont let anyone mistreat me now, family, friends or work - what little family I do keep in contact with know this and respect it) I'm picking fights.
He tells me I love to fight! that I thrive on it - I don't but I will call someone on something if they are mistreating me.
YEs, I have my issues but I hold down a good job, I have friends, everyone I meet seems happy to be around me - my daughter is happy and secure and I have an excellent relationship with her father.
I suppose I wonder if he is right. I do feel very depressed at times, but I do think that is down to him mostly. I asked him 3 months ago to take his tools from our kitchen table, my 8 year old colours there and its not hygienic. They are still there. Utter laziness. All he wants is to go out, socialise, drink wine at home, stay up late and lie in bed to 12pm at weekends while I run around cleaning up.
His dd is damaged, really. had to move schools, issues with inappropriate behaviour, attitude terrible, no self respect and he is angry with me for not sucking up to her to make her like him basically!
he can get to fuck!
God, where do these bloody men come from? And how do they get girlfriends?
Start the NY with a promise to yourself and your daughter that you won't put up with some nasty bastard any more. You might find your depression lifts as he goes out of the door, too.
Iknow that I'm not the easiest at times, really IM not, I do get down and want to be on my own or to rest a lot (I have been sleeping loads) but I'm not a bad person.
I have spent the last 2 days cooking and using up leftovers to pass around elderly relatives in both our families and he has informed me that I'm doing that for my benefit!
and the digging at me over my family etc and the reason we don't speak is just the lowest of the low.
I was 5 why I was abused! when it came out as an adult my family took it really badly and a lot of them turned on me! I don't want people like that in my life!
One thing I have noticed though is that the very people who treated me the worst have had no luck, serious illness, job losses, house losses etc - I think its Karma - non dp has informed me that I'm sick! that I'm enjoying someone elses misery and that there is something majorly wrong with me!
well excuse me if I think getting a comeuppance for being such horrible people is justified!!
I'm sick of having to explain myself to him and apologise for being ill!
He has zero sympathy for the fact you were abused? He sounds fucking warped. And yet he keeps making snidey little digs and comments! This is emotional abuse, plain and simple. He's trying to break your spirit so you have no fight left in you.
I would actually put money on the fact he envies you and your qualities cos he probably realises you're out of his league cos he's a pathetic, bullying loser.
Get some advice ( CAB maybe? ) re getting him out the house. He sounds quite suited to living in such misery but why should he bring you and your daughter down too? He needs to get slung out. Sharpish.
Seriously tho, never ever let him doubt yourself. I think he envies your good nature cos he hasn't got one!
make you doubt yourself, I meant. Past my bedtime........
past mine also! I'm so angry though, I'm just so upset and annoyed that he would treat me this way.
he says I dig at him, which I may well do, its not nice when you are worrying about bills and he wont give up his Friday nite out with his mates. its like living with a student - no responsibility at all.
he tells me that I'm fucked up because of what happened but that I refuse to move on, perhaps I do - but that's my life he is talking about.
he is right, I don't allow people endless chances with me anymore, his dd being one of then. I don't believe in allowing someone to constantly walk over you and through your good work back in your face - hence why I don't bother with his dd anymore.
he tells me I'm a child, that I have barriers cuz I dotn have the balls to let anyone in - yeah mate ur right - you wont be getting in!
a friend of his confided in me that he felt very low nearly to the point of suicide - I told him this - I also told him that I had offered to meet this friend of his for a walk etc - he ridiculed me and told me that I was too interested in other peoples lives qnd that I should be speaking to this guys partner before offering to go walking with him in case she gets the wrong impression. I mean wtaf!!
the more I right the more I wonder if he is right - I must be mad to have ever spent a minute with this ma
oh and he has told me that I'm a bully and that I'm causing him depression by trying to cope with me and my awful ways.
he says that if people knew what I was really like they would change their mind about me and unless I go to see a doctor;, ie a therapist then he cant continue on with me as I am getting him down!!
fuck right off!!
Join the discussion
Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.Register now
Already registered with Mumsnet? Log in to leave your comment or alternatively, sign in with Facebook or Google.
Please login first.