Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
Another OW here, can't believe I fell in to it.(39 Posts)
I never ever believed I would find myself in this situation but yes, another one here who fell for the story.
I met a married man, I was an idiot and in a vulnerable place (just left my husband) and assumed he was leaving his wife, yes, I assumed. I was incredibly naive and thought when he said they had no communication (other than about children), no sex for 5 years and have separate bedrooms (I can see they probably have) and that he would leave her (when the children were older - he admitted to that bit later) that the leaving her was inevitable. He tells me they are only staying together for the children. I have fallen for the whole story. Another standard to the story, I haven't felt like this about anyone for a long time and of course don't know if I will again. He messages every day, sees me every week.
Due to my own self esteem / self worth issues I haven't broken it off with him and I should. I've been to counselling and actually don't know how I will cope walking away from this. Of course, he's said he wants a future with me and of course his wife is so awful to him. Absolutely classic.
I want to hear the onslaught, I deserve it.
I'm not on any position to judge you sweetheart. Have you looked at the baggage reclaim website? There's info on there that can help you take control and set healthier boundaries.
Getting us to flagellate you isn't the answer.
Doing some work on your own self-esteem and self-worth IS the answer.
You don't want a lying cheat for your future partner, do you? I would hope that answer would be No. So therefore you have no future with this particular lying cheat.
Dump him. He's like an illicit drug - go cold turkey, go into "rehab" (block him, have no contact, nothing) and get away from him. Never mind the morals of the story, you could be kept hanging on for years and years in this non-relationship, what a waste of your life.
Cut loose, woman - go and find someone who is actually free to be in a relationship with you.
Why do you feel a need to hear an onslaught?
You say you know it's wrong.
So what is stopping you from choosing to walk away from it all?
Leaving a destructive, unhealthy relationship will do a power of good to your self-esteem. Unlike putting up with crap.
I can't judge you. And I'm not.
I can show you how his wife might feel, though, because I have been her.
My husband hid his wedding ring and had sex with other people. I've seen the things he was telling these people, all the old lines. He doesn't love me. The relationship has been dead for ages. Etc.
Let me tell you - my husband is still here. Even though I lost the baby I mentioned in those threads, and my teenagers are not his children. So he had an easy exit, really. No child support. No distressed wife. He could have left me so easily, and he didn't. He begged and pleaded and grovelled.
As I've said, I am not judging you. Nor am I discussing whether or not his wife should accept him staying when, inevitably, the truth comes out. But consider that these cheating men ARE usually staying with their wives for reasons other than the ones he is telling you.
I really hope you send him packing. Because you should, even if it is just for yourself, but I hope you'd refuse to be complicit in destroying another woman's life. There is more to this than he is telling you, and I know because I have lived it.
While some may excuse you for having fallen for one of the oldest lines in the book, not many will excuse you for continuing an adulterous relationship with a man who is living with his dw and dc and clearly has no intention of leaving them.
Knowing that you're nothing more than a married man's illicit bit on the side will destroy your already fragile self-esteem and you won't be free to rebuild it until you dump and block him.
Inviting an online onslaught is all very well, very dramatic, and will probably tend to stoke the emotion around this.
It's not a substitute for you actually taking action.
Meditrina's response has got me thinking on other lines.
Does his attention coupled with the clandestine nature of your affair make you feel 'special', OP? Do you feel as if only you 'know' him and that the years he's spent with his dw and dc are meaningless in comparison with the relationship you have with him?
How did you come to meet him and do you know how many other affairs he's had with ow during the course of his marriage?
You are letting this man treat you like shit. Now you want strangers to talk to you like shit.
Can you see a pattern?
I think what you need is some more self-esteem. I think you should build on the fact that you seem honest at heart, caring at heart, and having emotional intelligence. If you use these strengths to ditch the twat, you can move on from there.
He sounds disgusting. Utterly rank.
You deserve better; his wife deserves better.
Tell the cheating, lying, immoral piece of shit to do one, and find someone who wants to be all yours. Not a shag when his family think he's out somewhere.
Be strong OP. You're worth more than that.
Thumbwitch has nailed it:
'You don't want a lying cheat for your future partner, do you? I would hope that answer would be No. So therefore you have no future with this particular lying cheat.'
You know what you are getting with this moron, you know what you are doing is wrong and you are hurting another woman and her children. What you don't seem to understand is that you can be in control here. Just cut him off. Your post does read a bit 'oh poor me' but what about his poor (innocent) family.
Walk away, don't look back. Block his number, take some time by yourself because you need to find out what is great about yourself so that (if you want to) in the future you can find someone who will think those things are great too.
Yes to those who have mentioned working on your self-esteem. He's lying to you, you know. Not just to his wife. You are his dirty little secret, his once-a-week pick-me up. He doesn't respect you. He is using you as an ego boost.
It's all about the self esteem my friend
People with low self esteem let themselves go with someone who (a) lies and (b) treats them as ascend best
Honesty OP you deserve better
Why do you believe they have separate bedrooms?
My ex and I had separate bedrooms for a while by the way - we still fucked like bunnies we were just incompatible in sleeping.
I can't judge you either but I can say that, he is not going to leave his wife for you.
If he was he would have done it by now.
It's time to get out of there.
Get yourself some counselling and get your self esteem up off of the floor.
Hold your head up high and walk TF away!
Why do you think you have got the right to play with those children's future? Why?
What sort of person are you?
I think we all know.
If you have any decency, you should let his wife know what a scumbag he is and see who he truly is. Chances are you won't see him for dust unless she throws him out at which point he will tell you he decided to leave to be with you.
It seems like by attaching yourself to this man soon after leaving your marriage you've avoided post-marriage trauma. Perhaps your fears about ending it are really just a fear of facing all those dormant emotions.
OM is a sticking plaster you just need to rip off.
I think you are falling for an even older line.
The line that says you "fell". The line that blames the "story".
You didn't fall. You chose to walk across a line. No tripping, no stumble required.
His "story" included an ongoing relationship that required your liaison with him to be a secret. Regardless of the other details he included that may, or may not be true, you were aware of her being the collateral damage of indulging your own desires and decided that helping to bomb her life was fine by you.
I don't think you'll get out from under him and this scenario until you stop making excuses for yourself, quit wanting to put all the blame of "us two" on him and taking responsibility for own own actions and choices. Nobody has control over your central nervous system other than you.
This was not something done to you. It was something you decided to involve yourself in, for your own reasons, regardless of the cost to anybody else. While him lying to you is wrong, he told you enough truth for you to be well aware that your own moral fibre was always going to be too glass house flavoured to be chucking stones all over the shop when the "bit on the side" status quo no longer suited you.
Pick the kind of person you want to be, act like that person, fake it till you make it if needs be and life will improve. Or keep blaming everybody else for your choices and live longer term with the lack of happy you are currently experiencing.
It's your life, you get decide what you want it to look and feel like. Just like you have so far.
Sign up for six months of therapy it will help you understand yourself, your actions , the reasons for your low self worth, your pain . Go.and get yourself a better life
Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.
You assumed he wouldn't just cheat and carry on being married, you thought that he'd make a decision but he is happy to continue with both of you. Now you know, don't tolerate it. You have just split up with your own arsehole, don't burden yourself with somebody else's. Re-build your self-esteem and you won't even be tempted to sleep with somebody else's arsehole. When you've just split up from a long term relationship it's a really difficult time. It takes a real adjustment period. Let yourself get through that adjustment and focus on what brings happiness in to your life. I'm sure this situation just makes you miserable.
So you shagged him knowing he is married
You carry on shagging him knowing he is married
What do you want from us ?
also, please don't invite other people to berate you. It will only damage your sense of self-worth more, which won't help you walk away from this situation.
you deserve more than this cheating lying ass hole. I'm not sure why people are so determined that you think of his wife etc.... why is it so important that a wife hang on to this type of lying cheating cake-eating cake-having entitled asshole? He's no prize. But even so, don't invite people on mumsnet to flagellate you because oh boy will they. Just stop flagellating yourself and start respecting yourself
I get your need for the onslaught OP but it will not lessen your guilt.
It is your life and your choice but you do not seem happy. If he has not left by now he will not do so. You can either stay as his bit on the side feeling guilty or make a new life for yourself. Good luck.
Join the discussion
Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.Register now
Already registered with Mumsnet? Log in to leave your comment or alternatively, sign in with Facebook or Google.
Please login first.